Turning a Whine Into a Smile

Have you ever had one of those days when your little one just won't stop whining? You know....when every request is intense and needs immediate attention, every bump or mishap is a catastrophe, and every sound out of his mouth is an ear-piercing pitch that grates on the nerves? Those are hard times!

When Munchkin is in one of these moods, my patience wanes with each whine. Still, I try hard to figure out what's bothering him so I can meet whatever unmet need is haunting him (or help him cope without it). Sometimes it's something obvious like teething or illness, but there are plenty of times when I'm not sure what's going on with him.  

I guess some of the stuff I've been reading from Aha!Parenting really works because I recently figured out that I could stop the whining when its cause is not physical. I did this by helping him feel connected, competent, and accepted. It was incredibly simple. 

First, I took a moment to re-center myself. I was getting flustered with the whining, so this was a crucial first step. I have a favorite chair where I go for deep breathing...it works magic! One thought that really helps me is to remember that it's not his fault he's cranky. He's just a little kid, a toddler with immature coping skills. After relaxing into myself, I could then think clearly and act with compassion, rather than react with irritation.

Next, I spent a few moments connecting deeply with my son. For us, this met nursing. But not just nursing. I looked him in the eye, caressed his hair, and talked to him. "Not feeling well, are you? Having a hard time? I know..." It only took a few simple words of validation. I held him close and let him feel my acceptance of his mood. Of course, genuine acceptance was crucial and I could do that once I was calm and focused.

Then I sensed that he also needed the flip side to connection: independence. All morning, Munchkin had been very sensitive about doing things himself and was getting easily frustrated when he failed. Each event spurred a new episode of tears and whining. To bolster confidence in his independence, I made a point of providing tasks for him that I knew he could accomplish...turn off the bathroom light, put an item in the trash, hold my keys, etc. Instead of lavish praise for his deeds, I sincerely thanked him as I would any person: "Oh, thank you, Munchkin! That's very helpful, I really appreciate it."

In addition, I calmly acquiesced to all kinds of strange preferences Munchkin expressed ("Not that bowl, this one"). That's right, I went against 'conventional' and mainstream advice for dealing with a whiner (check out page 2 of this Parenting article: it says to ignore the kid or the whining will get worse!). Instead of shunning my son, who was clearly upset, I "caved" by making him more comfortable. Naturally, I maintained our normal household limits, but I let him be picky and whine about the little things. Most of the time, these little things don't really matter. Giving my toddler a sense of personal power when he's feeling low does matter.

Most importantly, I didn't react negatively to his whining. I didn't tell him to say please or ask nicely. I let him know that it was hard to understand him when he whined, but I did so without shaming him or acting irritated (only possible when I'm calm and centered!). I didn't get annoyed or take it personally when he became insistent. I didn't withhold love or privileges or fulfillment of reasonable requests. I firmly stood my ground: the ground where I'm on his side, where I assure his safety, where I love him unconditionally, where I accept his whining.

And then he stopped whining. For good.

Just like that. Incredible! All I had to do was genuinely connect with him, provide him with the opportunity to exhibit competence, and truly accept his foul mood. For me, the real key was centering myself. The rest came easily from the place of peace I'd created within myself. 

Why did these strategies work? I think it's because gentle, unconditional parenting really is effective. Maybe Munchkin's cause for whining had been emotional pain. Maybe he missed me (he'd spent the first hour of the day with Papa while I got to sleep in). Maybe he was feeling incapable in this big world where Mama, Papa, and the big kids can do all that cool stuff (we'd met some new playmates a few days prior). Maybe he felt left out or ignored (Papa isn't as playful in the morning).

Whatever it was, I managed to get through to him and help him out of it. He was able to re-center himself, too. Best of all, he knows that when he's hurting inside, he can rely on me to help him through it. I won't demand a change in behavior without considering his needs, no matter how annoying that behavior is.

And for the record, no, the whining did not get worse or return. His whines turned into smiles and we enjoyed the rest of the day together. Since then, he has not "tried to use whining to get his way". Conventional parenting wisdom debunked! Not surprising, though. When my son whines, he's not trying to annoy me or manipulate me. He's trying to ask for something but doesn't have the words to do so. I'm glad I listened.

Now, if I could just apply this gentle approach every time we have one of those days...

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please feel free to leave a note.

Handy Parenting Resources: the Fridge Lists

Some of my readers have said they'd like to put up some of my posts on their refrigerator for easy reference. Here, I've distilled these lists down a bit so you can print them out for just this purpose and still have room on the fridge for your child's artwork and photos. I call them the "fridge lists." Enjoy!

MaMammalia's Fridge Lists

MaMammalia's

8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance

(the Fridge version)

1)      Appeal to your toddler's natural empathy. "It hurts my ears when you... " bang on that, scream, etc., or "I can't understand you when you..."  whine, yell, cry, etc. or "Ouch! That hurts!"

2)      If at first you don't succeed, try again in 1 minute.  Or 30 seconds, or 5 minutes, or 15. Be quiet while waiting. Let him finish what he's doing.

3)      Provide an attractive alternative. Make the exchange respectfully and be sure to validate any disappointment or anger.

4)      Use humor and playfulness. Get creative, laugh, and watch your tension melt!

5)      Be emotionally available prior to your request. Before you ask... play, hug, smile, nurse... connect.

6)      Enlist the help of your toddler. Ask him to help carry something, pick something out, put something away, etc.

7)      Say "gentle" instead of  "no touch." Save the "don't touch" for seriously dangerous items.

8)      Avoid using punishment for non-compliance. Work on developing alternatives to yelling, spanking, and time-outs.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

MaMammalia, Copyright 2011

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MaMammalia's

10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance

(the Fridge version)

1) Try a gentle approach first. (See the Gentle Strategies list)

2) Use toddler-appropriate language: correct pronouns, precise phrasing, and age-appropriate.

3) Demonstrate confidence in your request through your tone of voice.

4) Offer legitimate choices. Come up with 2 different ways to fulfill your request, then give your toddler the choice. Avoid false choices.

5) Take action. "I won't let you..." or "Please do not..." hit the dog/throw toys/run in the street, etc. , then enforce the words peacefully by holding up a hand or standing in the way.

6) Validate the child's feelings. "I understand that you are angry because I won't let you..." or "It's OK for you to feel angry at me for..." or "Are you sad that...?" Avoid judging, criticizing, minimizing, or blaming.

7) Consider the child's unmet needs. Start with physical needs (hunger, thirst, fatigue, overstimulation, pain), then consider emotional needs (acceptance, respect, independence, connection).

8) Reconsider your request. What's the worst that would happen if you just let it go?

9) Work on your relationship. Do you need to reconnect with your child, or yourself?

10) Avoid bribery, threat of punishment, or withdrawal of privileges.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

MaMammalia, Copyright 2011

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MaMammalia's

What To Do When Stress Interferes With Mindful Parenting

(the Fridge version)

Take a break to just breathe.  Say "I need a moment" then sit or lay down for some deep breathing.  Afterwards, reconnect with your child through a hug, eye contact, or kind words. Repeat as needed!

S--l--o--w    d--o--w--n. Do one thing at a time, paying close attention to your actions, thoughts, words, and feelings.  Avoid judging or evaluating yourself, just notice your own experience.  

Put the problem  on the shelf, along with other items not appropriate for children. Create boundaries around your thoughts, e.g. "I'll think about this after she goes to bed".

Look your child in the eyes when you talk to him. It will keep you connected.

Let go of guilt. If you haven't been your best self...Forgive yourself, apologize to your child, decide on changes to make, commit to them, and move on. 

Get some rest. Nap or close your eyes for a few minutes.

Get out of the house. Take a walk, get some exercise, do a simple errand.

Chat with a friend.  Get it off your chest.

Give yourself space to feel angry, sad, etc. Schedule time and space away from your child to experience your emotions. Validate your feelings and honor your experience.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

MaMammalia, Copyright 2011

10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance

When I wrote about gentle strategies for gaining toddler compliance, I knew there was more to it. Sometimes, you have to do something your toddler refuses to do (like brush his teeth). Sometimes, a toddler refuses just for the sake of refusing. During those trying times, how do I assert myself and still remain the compassionate, responsive mother I want to be?

Part of the answer lies in what Alicia Lieberman, author of The Emotional Life of the Toddler, calls benevolent authority.  The idea is to confidently protect my son and make wise decisions for him when he cannot. If my concern and competence are genuine, Munchkin will feel safe -- even if he doesn't get what he wants.  He may protest, but when I exercise benevolent authority it can actually avert a full-blown temper tantrum.

However, this is not the same as the "because I'm the mom and I said so" attitude. It's the difference between "authoritative" and "authoritarian" parenting styles.  Consider  "Please get down from there now. I don't want you to get hurt, "(authoritative) versus, "NO! I told you not to climb on that!" (authoritarian). The trick is to be firm, respectful, and loving all at the same time.

I've been experimenting with strategies based on benevolent authority to gain compliance from my toddler in non-negotiable situations. It works. I still encounter typical toddler resistance, but without much toddler drama. We bounce back quickly and remain connected. The beauty of these strategies is that they are based on mutual respect and are intended to build trust between parent and child.

 Here are 10 loving techniques I find helpful in dealing with a defiant toddler:

 1) Try a gentle approach first. There are a number of kind ways to put a request to a toddler. I previously compiled some gentle methods to cultivate cooperation to use as a starting point.

2) Use toddler-appropriate language. Effective communication is an essential component to any conflict resolution. I show respect for my son through language by using correct pronouns, precise phrasing, and age-appropriate speech (read this for some examples).

3) Demonstrate confidence in your request through your tone of voice. If my request is reasonable, necessary, or urgent, this tone comes naturally. On the other hand, it takes some practice to master this skill when I'm feeling low on patience or uncomfortable being assertive.

4) Offer legitimate choices. Try coming up with 2 different ways to fulfill your request, then give your toddler the choice. This approach helps a toddler feel independent and empowered in a situation in which he really isn't. For example: "Do you want to walk to the car yourself or do you want me to carry you?" or "Do you want to put it back yourself or do you want me to do it?" I find choices like these miraculous for getting out the door or leaving a store without a new toy (or tantrum). Avoid proposing "choices" in which one alternative is a punishment, removal of privilege, or a bribe ("Do you want to stop throwing toys or do you want to leave the park?"). Such false choices are manipulative and will undermine your toddler's trust and respect for you (the basis of your benevolent authority), which could lead to even more defiance.

5) Take action. Sometimes the gentlest thing you can do is, literally, step in. A great way to do this is to use a phrase I picked up from Suchada at MamaEve, "I won't let you..." as in I won't let you hit the dog/throw toys/run in the street, etc.  I enforce the words peacefully by holding up a hand to block a strike or by simply standing in the way. Using assertive words and nonaggressive actions to back them up lets your child know you mean what you say. When you stop what you're doing to interact (i.e. connect) with him, he knows it's important! In addition, it builds trust because it lets him know you will protect him from harm.

6) Validate the child's feelings. Acknowledge and accept your toddler's emotions surrounding his defiance. When he feels connected and understood, he is more likely to trust your decision and not have a complete meltdown. I'm practicing phrases like, "I understand that you are angry because I won't let you..." or "It's OK for you to feel angry at me for..." or "Are you sad that...?" to let him know I care about his perspective. I also want him to know that being angry at me won't stop me from loving him (or get me to buy that toy). Avoid judging, criticizing, minimizing, or blaming him for his reaction.

7) Consider the child's unmet needs. Often toddlers "act out" because of an underlying need. Start with physical needs (hunger, thirst, fatigue, overstimulation, pain), then consider emotional needs. Answering emotional needs is tricky and may require some detective work, but the benefits are substantial and often immediate.  I've seen Munchkin do a complete turn-around after I took the time to connect with him for a few moments on one his needy days.

8) Reconsider your request. Is it really that important? What's the worst that would happen if you just let it go? Letting go of a disagreement isn't a sign that your child has "won". It's a sign that you care enough to put your relationship ahead of getting your way (the same holds true for dealing with husbands!). It also shows that you're able to overcome your own control issues (often, that's all it is). Consider, "Fine, I give up! Have it your way and look ridiculous in your PJs!" versus, " I guess it doesn't really matter if you wear PJs to the park. Let's go have some fun!" To gain more compliance over the long haul, try to stay focused on developing a long-term relationship with your child, rather than on winning power struggles.

9) Work on your relationship. If you hear "No" more frequently than what seems normal for a toddler, consider your connection with your toddler. Dr. Laura at Aha!Parenting suggests that chronic defiance is a sign that the relationship needs repair. Until the parent-child relationship is healed, it won't really matter which disciplinary actions are taken. The good news is that relationship repair can happen right now since toddlers are centered on the now (as opposed to say, teenagers!).

10) Avoid bribery, threat of punishment, or withdrawal of privileges. While these tactics may be effective in the short-term, the long-term consequences are negative -- for your relationship, for your child's self esteem, and certainly for your benevolent authority. Love, trust, and respect are better motivators than fear.

These methods won't stop a toddler from being defiant. In fact, once we are better able to deal with it, defiance is something we can learn to love about our toddlers.  As for me, I'm starting to look at Munchkin's "No" as an opportunity to learn more about who this little guy really is. I'm also learning more about myself and how assertive yet compassionate I can be.

What effective and caring ways do you use to handle a defiant toddler?

Looking for more tools for handling life with a toddler? Check out some of my other toddler-friendly posts:
8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance
Speaking Respectfully to a Toddler: Easy Phrases for Big Effects
Doing Errands With a Toddler
Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want...Playfully
Learning to Share By Taking Turns
Handy Parenting Resources: The Fridge Lists
and many more! 


Want to hear stories from other moms of toddlers? Check out this video put together by Annie at PhD in Parenting. 

Speaking Respectfully To a Toddler: Easy Phrases For Big Effects

Photo by Alex Bruda

The way we speak to children (or anyone!) can have a dramatic effect on the response we get from them. Toddlers in particular are most responsive when they feel independent yet connected. In order to show respect for my toddler as an individual, I need to talk as if he is a competent listener. In order to connect, I need to be honest in what I say.

I didn't have good role models for healthy communication so it's a big challenge for me to find the balance between assertiveness and responsiveness. However, I've found that with just a few simple adjustments to how I talk, Munchkin is more likely to listen and respond to my requests. These verbal skills are also in line with my desire to be a responsive, attached, and unconditional parent so I feel good about them. Here are some of the speech patterns that have improved my communication with my toddler:

 I use toddler-talk, not baby-talk. A specific type of baby talk called parentese is a natural and healthy way to communicate with infants. However, toddlers are not infants. They don't need really parentese anymore. They need clear, succinct language. The British Council has some great suggestions on how to use parentese with an older child who isn't fluent in the language you're speaking (i.e. a toddler or non-native speaker). This is pretty much how I talk to Munchkin. It feels more natural and I'm able to maintain this speech style throughout the endless hours we spend together. I save the sing-songy cadence, higher pitch, and embellished syllables for play time (or play used to gain cooperation). 

I use appropriate pronouns. The common parental phrase, "We don't..." is vague and poses the risk of inviting the response, either in words or behavior, "Well, maybe you guys don't, but I do!" Instead, I say what I mean: "Please don't..." or "You may not..." or "I won't let you.."

Referring to myself or Munchkin in the third person isn't assertive or demonstrative of the way people really speak to each other. Frankly, it's also a bit condescending (how would it sound if I talked to adults that way?). Instead of "Mommy doesn't like it when..." or "Do you want Mommy to help you?" I say "I don't like it when..." and "Do you want me to help you?"

When I started using correct pronouns awhile back, I noticed an immediate difference: I felt more confident, more respectful, and more natural. I also noticed that Munchkin became more responsive to my requests. For a toddler coming to terms with his own autonomy, the distinction between "you" and "I" is profound. I think he appreciates the respect it grants him when he hears those words from me.

I use precise wording. I try to be as accurate as I can with my words when talking to Munchkin, especially when making a request. I say specific things like "Will you please stop running so I can put your shirt on?" or "It's time for Mary to have a turn with the ball now" or "Please do not throw sand."  I avoid abstract statements such as "I need you to cooperate" or "You need to share" or "Stop misbehaving". Generalizations make the task seem larger than it is to a toddler, and they make it difficult for him to determine what he is actually supposed to do. It shows respect for the listener and for myself when I kindly and plainly ask for what I want rather than insinuating. The best part of being precise is that it requires me to really think about what I'm asking of Munchkin. What behavior or action am I talking about? Is it really something worth pointing out? Am I just annoyed, embarrassed, or feeling out of control? Is it critical that he do it now? Can I let it go or is it a teachable moment?

For me, this way of talking to my toddler has been highly effective. We are better connected for it. I've noticed that Munchkin is less likely to connect with another adult who radically changes the way she speaks when addressing him.  He immediately picks up on the obvious difference between speech directed at him and another adult. He seems to sense when he's being talked down to and isn't very responsive to the speaker. I'm guessing he's grown accustomed to being spoken to with respect for his personhood and developmental abilities. I like that about him. And yes, I'm just a little proud of it, too.

There are certainly many other communication skills I can and will work on. Starting with the basics at least gives me a good foundation and, more importantly, the confidence in my ability to speak to my son with love and respect.

Update October 2013: These strategies still work with Munchkin, who is now almost four years old. I especially appreciate the reminder to be precise with words because of the cascade of self-reflection it requires. What am I really trying to say? Why? Of course, we now have more sophisticated issues around communication, but that's a topic for another post!

What speech patterns to you use that improve communication with your child?

8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance

One of the big challenges of parenting a toddler is dealing with defiance.  While this trait is an important part of toddler emotional development, frequent resistance is hard on parents, testing even the most patient nerves. 

I did some reading on the topic in order to build my toolbox and understand this process (check out my  book review). I compiled some practical, positive strategies for getting a toddler to comply with parental requests. The motivation behind these techniques is to build a partnership, a partnership where both parent and child needs are taken into consideration.

    1.       Appeal to your toddler's natural empathy. Toddlers want to please, not hurt. Use phrases like "It hurts my ears when you... " bang on that, scream, etc., while covering your ears.  One of my favorites is "I can't understand you when you..."  whine, yell, cry, etc.  The effect is amazing! This strategy helps with compliance and it builds the toddler's ability to empathize by showing them how their actions affect others.

    2.       If at first you don't succeed, try again in 1 minute.  Or 30 seconds, or 5 minutes, or hey, maybe even a whole 15 minutes. Often  toddlers refuse an initial request simply because they want to feel they are doing it of their own volition. If you allow time for her to initiate it on her own, she is more likely to agree to it. While waiting, it's important to be silent and not pester the child with your request. Sometimes a toddler is just busy doing something. If she is granted the respect to finish it, she is more likely to comply willingly with a request to do something else.  Yes, this one takes patience, especially if you're in a hurry!

3.       Provide an attractive alternative. If a toddler is holding an unsafe object, provide a safe replacement and make the exchange respectfully. If a toddler is engaged in an inappropriate activity, direct the toddler to another specific, acceptable activity.  At home, I keep a stash of 'special' objects that I can trade in a pinch. To get it back, I just wait 15 minutes for him to lose interest.  In public, there are usually countless activities and objects that can be used.  

4.       Use humor and playfulness. For example, use exaggerated disbelief in response to a  peculiar  suggestion from a toddler. "I don't think the book needs to wear a diaper! How silly!" Play along. I have diapered everything from a toy car to a rubber band before actually putting a diaper on my son. Humor also helps dissipate frustration for both parent and child.

5.       Be emotionally available prior to your request. If you've spent the last hour on the computer, then suddenly ask a toddler to clean up his toys, compliance is less likely.  Try spending a few quality moments together before making your request. This can be as simple as a hug or a smile, or it may require a few minutes playing together. Of course, the connection must be genuine, heartfelt, and mindful.

6.       Enlist the help of your toddler. By encouraging a toddler to assist in a request, he will feel empowered and included in the decision-making process. If a toddler feels competent and independent, he is less likely to act defiantly in order to assert himself. For example, instead of coaxing my son to go into the house after a shopping trip, I ask him to help carry the groceries inside. Picking out shoes and putting items in the trash/recycling are other great toddler tasks.

7.       Say "gentle" instead of  "don't touch". Unless the object of  desire is truly threatening, let a toddler explore it. A toddler will quickly learn that "no touch" means it is dangerous to do so, not that it is annoying or socially unconventional to adults. The toddler learns to trust his parents' ability to protect him from harm, while his natural curiosity is nurtured.  He also learns to respect people, animals, plants, and objects through direct interaction with them. In addition, this approach helps develop motor control.

8.       Avoid using punishment for non-compliance. Overwhelming evidence shows that punishment does not help children develop empathy, including the desire to comply with someone else's wishes. Punishment also interferes with the development of an intrinsic desire to avoid inappropriate behavior. If a toddler is not punished for, well, being a toddler, then she is more likely to trust in parental decision making. She is less likely to feel that her parents are trying to control her or disregard her feelings. Instead, she is more likely to feel authentic respect for her parents, because they respect her. The result is a greater willingness to comply with parental requests. It is never too late to stop using punishment. There are alternatives to yelling, spanking, and time-outs. 

I have to admit these techniques are easier to write about than put into practice. I think the important point is to keep looking for respectful ways of putting requests to children. What do you do? Do you have other gentle strategies for getting your toddler to cooperate with your requests?

Of course, these techniques don't always work. Sometimes you have to do more. But that is a subject for another day...

Yap Dog Parents

Today I became convinced that the key to solving most of the world's problems lies with the way we treat children. If adults treated children with respect and dignity, perhaps we would have a shot at real peace in the world. At the very least, it might do away with a lot of deeply seeded psychological issues that kids grow up with, issues that evolve into unhealthy patterns and personality traits when they become adults. Between the Yap Dog Parents and the Norman Bates mothers, it's no wonder these kids grow up into people with so many problems.

Take the parents at my local park, for instance. On more than one occasion, I have heard a mother yell at her child (and I mean YELL) "no!" over and over again, for doing something as harmless as carrying a stick around.  Do this, don't do that. Come over here, go over there. No, don't go near the baby. Share. Give it back. Give that to ME! Go play. We're leaving now. We're leaving in 5 minutes. Five more minutes. Just 5 more minutes. All of these outbursts come from the sidelines. The parent is seated on the side of playground and never actually gets up to reinforce their words. They just sit there and yap yap yap yap, much like a little dog yapping at a big dog on the other side of the fence. I call them Yap Dog Parents. Their yapping rings in the ears of their children and anyone else present. After about 5 minutes of this, I already felt incredibly annoyed. I can only imagine what those poor kids feel. They must not ever get a moment's peace. I can't imagine that being treated that way can lead to healthy relationships with their parents, high self esteem, or healthy coping skills to deal with criticism.

Perhaps over time the kids just learn to tune out the yapping. Then the parents would have to escalate to barking louder. The child might then withdraw even more. Alternatively, the kid might fight back with their own version of yapping, learned by example. By adolescence, those families would be looking at some serious tensions and arguments. Meanwhile, the children would grow up doubting their own ability to do anything. I mean, hey, if they can't even be trusted to carry a stick around when they're 8 years old, how competent could they possibly be? They would not learn how to deal with criticism, constructive or otherwise, because the criticism they received as children was so random and senseless, so controlling. They don't get the opportunity to process their parents' comments because they either tune them out or rebel against them. They don't learn to respect others because they were not treated with respect themselves. No wonder those are the kids who rip toys out of other children's hands. What kind of adults do they become? The kind who invade other countries, exploit the poor, or rape the land? Not a far stretch if you really think about it.

And what do I do at the park? I let my 15 month old son wander around by himself. I let him play with other kids' toys. I let other kids play with his toys. I watch him, silently, until he shows me a treasure or brings me a twig or looks over for a smile. I may ask what he's found or comment on the ball in his hand. When he wants to climb up to the slide, I follow him in case he tumbles. I go down the big slide with him when he wants. I let him pick up any object, as long as it's not harmful (and I hope there are few of these at a playground!). He has even learned to show me pieces of trash so that we can put in into the trash can instead of playing with it. When he wants to put something in his mouth, he usually looks to me to find out if it's safe. I make an "icky" face if it's not appropriate. Without so much as a "no" from me, he will put the object down and move on. He seems to trust that I have his back. I will only interfere when his safety is at stake. And I trust him to play safely. I trust that he will learn the difference between danger and safety, between being nice and being mean to others. I respect him. And if I'm lucky, he will grow up respecting me, too. If I've done my job as a mother, he will also grow to respect others.