Learning To Share By Taking Turns

As the mother of a toddler, I have become quite familiar with the ubiquitous parental chant, "Share, share, share!" I understand the sentiment behind the word: we want our children to be giving, to treat others with kindness, and to play fairly. We want to teach our kids to get along well with others.

Still, the instruction to "share" doesn't sit well with me and I've never used that language with Munchkin. Part of it is because I don't subscribe to the idea that telling Munchkin to give another child his toy will instill him with empathy or generosity (more on this issue later!). But mostly, I realized that the problem for me was the misuse of the verb "to share". According to dictionary.com, the verb "to share" means:

3. to divide and distribute in shares; apportion

4. to use, participate in, enjoy, receive, etc, jointly: The two chemists shared the Nobel prize [emphasis mine]

5. to have a share or part; take part (often followed by in)

6. to divide, apportion, or receive equally

Sharing, then, means dividing up or to taking part in at the same time. You can share a banana. You can share a drink. You can share a bed. You can share a ball if you pass it back and forth as part of a game. 

From what I have observed, this is not what parents are usually asking of their children in social settings. When a mother tells her child to "share" his toy, what she really means is that he should give it to the other child to play with. For adults and older kids, this use of the  word "share" is understandable. We know that "sharing" a toy involves taking turns, not splitting up, giving away, or simultaneous use. Older children understand that the other kid will play with it for awhile, and that eventually he'll get his bike or car back. On the playground, kids call this taking turns. When kids actually share a toy or activity simultaneously, it's called playing together. For simplicity, people tend to refer to all of these acts as "sharing" because they all embody the essence of sharing: kindness and fairness. However, this mix-up of wording is a real problem for younger kids.

Toddlers, babies, and very young children don't understand all these nuances of the word "share". To them, the command to share simply means what the parent's request suggests: "Give your toy to the other kid." For some, there is  even the added ultimatum, "or I'll do it for you." This command to share naturally leads to resistance. I think this is partly due to confusion in the immature mind. Consider the toddler's thought process: When I share my cracker, I don't get it back. If I share my toy, it might be gone forever, too. How do I share the couch if I am sitting on it...do I have to move first? A young toddler can't be expected to fully grasp the distinction between sharing, as in a snack, AND taking turns, AND playing nicely side by side -- especially when adults inaccurately label each one as "sharing".

Even as a child begins to understand that the toy will eventually come back to him, it seems an added and unnecessarily difficult challenge to "share" when the child must also do mental hurdles around language. Moreover, lessons in possession and playing together happen slowly and often painfully for the toddler. We ask a lot of their unripe cognitive, emotional and social abilities when we simply ask them to "share".

Young children need precise language in order to understand what's asked of them. I think we can make it a lot easier on toddlers and preschoolers to learn about sharing by saying what we really mean.  When I realized what we are truly asking of children when we say "share", I began to use the correct language to describe it. Instead of talking about "sharing", I describe and gently suggest actions related to taking turns:

I think your friend would like a turn with the shovel now.

She is having a turn with the car now. When she's done then you can have a turn.

Not now, Johnny. Munchkin is having a turn. Munchkin, when you're done with your turn, would you like to give Johnny the ball?

There, he's done with the scooter. Would you like to have a turn now?

Then I follow through on my words and give each child who wants a turn a chance to take their turn, even if they become interested in something else. Munchkin may get upset for a moment, but once I reassure him that he gets a turn also, he settles down. He recovers remarkably quickly without fighting about it. He believes my words because they have observable meaning.

This shift in language has been so effective with Munchkin that I've started using it in other situations. I can now use turn-taking to set personal limits and boundaries between me and Munchkin: You can have a turn holding the vacuum when I'm done with my turn. It's my turn to choose the music...after this song, then you can have a turn listening to your song. It's my turn to go for a run...when I'm done, you can get out of the BOB and have a turn running, too.

I still use the word "share", but I try to use it correctly in reference to things we partake of together: Sure, I'll share my water with you. Do you want to share your grapes with him? Look, you two can share the piano; there is room for both of you to play together at the same time.

The suggestion to "take turns" instead of "share" is more than an issue of semantics. For a toddler who struggles with age-specific issues of permanence, separation, and ownership, the words "have a turn" are powerful, indeed. This promise to take turns reassures Munchkin that he still has a right to the coveted object or activity, just not right now. He knows that taking turns doesn't mean relinquishing the object indefinitely. It means a temporary separation, just like when mama goes to the store without him.  

While Munchkin waits for his turn, he is also learning a bit about patience. He is learning to let go and to receive again. And with some encouragement and patience from me, he might just learn to share.

Questions? Comments? Yes, please!

Handy Parenting Resources: the Fridge Lists

Some of my readers have said they'd like to put up some of my posts on their refrigerator for easy reference. Here, I've distilled these lists down a bit so you can print them out for just this purpose and still have room on the fridge for your child's artwork and photos. I call them the "fridge lists." Enjoy!

MaMammalia's Fridge Lists

MaMammalia's

8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance

(the Fridge version)

1)      Appeal to your toddler's natural empathy. "It hurts my ears when you... " bang on that, scream, etc., or "I can't understand you when you..."  whine, yell, cry, etc. or "Ouch! That hurts!"

2)      If at first you don't succeed, try again in 1 minute.  Or 30 seconds, or 5 minutes, or 15. Be quiet while waiting. Let him finish what he's doing.

3)      Provide an attractive alternative. Make the exchange respectfully and be sure to validate any disappointment or anger.

4)      Use humor and playfulness. Get creative, laugh, and watch your tension melt!

5)      Be emotionally available prior to your request. Before you ask... play, hug, smile, nurse... connect.

6)      Enlist the help of your toddler. Ask him to help carry something, pick something out, put something away, etc.

7)      Say "gentle" instead of  "no touch." Save the "don't touch" for seriously dangerous items.

8)      Avoid using punishment for non-compliance. Work on developing alternatives to yelling, spanking, and time-outs.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

MaMammalia, Copyright 2011

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MaMammalia's

10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance

(the Fridge version)

1) Try a gentle approach first. (See the Gentle Strategies list)

2) Use toddler-appropriate language: correct pronouns, precise phrasing, and age-appropriate.

3) Demonstrate confidence in your request through your tone of voice.

4) Offer legitimate choices. Come up with 2 different ways to fulfill your request, then give your toddler the choice. Avoid false choices.

5) Take action. "I won't let you..." or "Please do not..." hit the dog/throw toys/run in the street, etc. , then enforce the words peacefully by holding up a hand or standing in the way.

6) Validate the child's feelings. "I understand that you are angry because I won't let you..." or "It's OK for you to feel angry at me for..." or "Are you sad that...?" Avoid judging, criticizing, minimizing, or blaming.

7) Consider the child's unmet needs. Start with physical needs (hunger, thirst, fatigue, overstimulation, pain), then consider emotional needs (acceptance, respect, independence, connection).

8) Reconsider your request. What's the worst that would happen if you just let it go?

9) Work on your relationship. Do you need to reconnect with your child, or yourself?

10) Avoid bribery, threat of punishment, or withdrawal of privileges.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

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MaMammalia, Copyright 2011

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MaMammalia's

What To Do When Stress Interferes With Mindful Parenting

(the Fridge version)

Take a break to just breathe.  Say "I need a moment" then sit or lay down for some deep breathing.  Afterwards, reconnect with your child through a hug, eye contact, or kind words. Repeat as needed!

S--l--o--w    d--o--w--n. Do one thing at a time, paying close attention to your actions, thoughts, words, and feelings.  Avoid judging or evaluating yourself, just notice your own experience.  

Put the problem  on the shelf, along with other items not appropriate for children. Create boundaries around your thoughts, e.g. "I'll think about this after she goes to bed".

Look your child in the eyes when you talk to him. It will keep you connected.

Let go of guilt. If you haven't been your best self...Forgive yourself, apologize to your child, decide on changes to make, commit to them, and move on. 

Get some rest. Nap or close your eyes for a few minutes.

Get out of the house. Take a walk, get some exercise, do a simple errand.

Chat with a friend.  Get it off your chest.

Give yourself space to feel angry, sad, etc. Schedule time and space away from your child to experience your emotions. Validate your feelings and honor your experience.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

MaMammalia, Copyright 2011

Speaking Respectfully To a Toddler: Easy Phrases For Big Effects

Photo by Alex Bruda

The way we speak to children (or anyone!) can have a dramatic effect on the response we get from them. Toddlers in particular are most responsive when they feel independent yet connected. In order to show respect for my toddler as an individual, I need to talk as if he is a competent listener. In order to connect, I need to be honest in what I say.

I didn't have good role models for healthy communication so it's a big challenge for me to find the balance between assertiveness and responsiveness. However, I've found that with just a few simple adjustments to how I talk, Munchkin is more likely to listen and respond to my requests. These verbal skills are also in line with my desire to be a responsive, attached, and unconditional parent so I feel good about them. Here are some of the speech patterns that have improved my communication with my toddler:

 I use toddler-talk, not baby-talk. A specific type of baby talk called parentese is a natural and healthy way to communicate with infants. However, toddlers are not infants. They don't need really parentese anymore. They need clear, succinct language. The British Council has some great suggestions on how to use parentese with an older child who isn't fluent in the language you're speaking (i.e. a toddler or non-native speaker). This is pretty much how I talk to Munchkin. It feels more natural and I'm able to maintain this speech style throughout the endless hours we spend together. I save the sing-songy cadence, higher pitch, and embellished syllables for play time (or play used to gain cooperation). 

I use appropriate pronouns. The common parental phrase, "We don't..." is vague and poses the risk of inviting the response, either in words or behavior, "Well, maybe you guys don't, but I do!" Instead, I say what I mean: "Please don't..." or "You may not..." or "I won't let you.."

Referring to myself or Munchkin in the third person isn't assertive or demonstrative of the way people really speak to each other. Frankly, it's also a bit condescending (how would it sound if I talked to adults that way?). Instead of "Mommy doesn't like it when..." or "Do you want Mommy to help you?" I say "I don't like it when..." and "Do you want me to help you?"

When I started using correct pronouns awhile back, I noticed an immediate difference: I felt more confident, more respectful, and more natural. I also noticed that Munchkin became more responsive to my requests. For a toddler coming to terms with his own autonomy, the distinction between "you" and "I" is profound. I think he appreciates the respect it grants him when he hears those words from me.

I use precise wording. I try to be as accurate as I can with my words when talking to Munchkin, especially when making a request. I say specific things like "Will you please stop running so I can put your shirt on?" or "It's time for Mary to have a turn with the ball now" or "Please do not throw sand."  I avoid abstract statements such as "I need you to cooperate" or "You need to share" or "Stop misbehaving". Generalizations make the task seem larger than it is to a toddler, and they make it difficult for him to determine what he is actually supposed to do. It shows respect for the listener and for myself when I kindly and plainly ask for what I want rather than insinuating. The best part of being precise is that it requires me to really think about what I'm asking of Munchkin. What behavior or action am I talking about? Is it really something worth pointing out? Am I just annoyed, embarrassed, or feeling out of control? Is it critical that he do it now? Can I let it go or is it a teachable moment?

For me, this way of talking to my toddler has been highly effective. We are better connected for it. I've noticed that Munchkin is less likely to connect with another adult who radically changes the way she speaks when addressing him.  He immediately picks up on the obvious difference between speech directed at him and another adult. He seems to sense when he's being talked down to and isn't very responsive to the speaker. I'm guessing he's grown accustomed to being spoken to with respect for his personhood and developmental abilities. I like that about him. And yes, I'm just a little proud of it, too.

There are certainly many other communication skills I can and will work on. Starting with the basics at least gives me a good foundation and, more importantly, the confidence in my ability to speak to my son with love and respect.

Update October 2013: These strategies still work with Munchkin, who is now almost four years old. I especially appreciate the reminder to be precise with words because of the cascade of self-reflection it requires. What am I really trying to say? Why? Of course, we now have more sophisticated issues around communication, but that's a topic for another post!

What speech patterns to you use that improve communication with your child?

Yap Dog Parents

Today I became convinced that the key to solving most of the world's problems lies with the way we treat children. If adults treated children with respect and dignity, perhaps we would have a shot at real peace in the world. At the very least, it might do away with a lot of deeply seeded psychological issues that kids grow up with, issues that evolve into unhealthy patterns and personality traits when they become adults. Between the Yap Dog Parents and the Norman Bates mothers, it's no wonder these kids grow up into people with so many problems.

Take the parents at my local park, for instance. On more than one occasion, I have heard a mother yell at her child (and I mean YELL) "no!" over and over again, for doing something as harmless as carrying a stick around.  Do this, don't do that. Come over here, go over there. No, don't go near the baby. Share. Give it back. Give that to ME! Go play. We're leaving now. We're leaving in 5 minutes. Five more minutes. Just 5 more minutes. All of these outbursts come from the sidelines. The parent is seated on the side of playground and never actually gets up to reinforce their words. They just sit there and yap yap yap yap, much like a little dog yapping at a big dog on the other side of the fence. I call them Yap Dog Parents. Their yapping rings in the ears of their children and anyone else present. After about 5 minutes of this, I already felt incredibly annoyed. I can only imagine what those poor kids feel. They must not ever get a moment's peace. I can't imagine that being treated that way can lead to healthy relationships with their parents, high self esteem, or healthy coping skills to deal with criticism.

Perhaps over time the kids just learn to tune out the yapping. Then the parents would have to escalate to barking louder. The child might then withdraw even more. Alternatively, the kid might fight back with their own version of yapping, learned by example. By adolescence, those families would be looking at some serious tensions and arguments. Meanwhile, the children would grow up doubting their own ability to do anything. I mean, hey, if they can't even be trusted to carry a stick around when they're 8 years old, how competent could they possibly be? They would not learn how to deal with criticism, constructive or otherwise, because the criticism they received as children was so random and senseless, so controlling. They don't get the opportunity to process their parents' comments because they either tune them out or rebel against them. They don't learn to respect others because they were not treated with respect themselves. No wonder those are the kids who rip toys out of other children's hands. What kind of adults do they become? The kind who invade other countries, exploit the poor, or rape the land? Not a far stretch if you really think about it.

And what do I do at the park? I let my 15 month old son wander around by himself. I let him play with other kids' toys. I let other kids play with his toys. I watch him, silently, until he shows me a treasure or brings me a twig or looks over for a smile. I may ask what he's found or comment on the ball in his hand. When he wants to climb up to the slide, I follow him in case he tumbles. I go down the big slide with him when he wants. I let him pick up any object, as long as it's not harmful (and I hope there are few of these at a playground!). He has even learned to show me pieces of trash so that we can put in into the trash can instead of playing with it. When he wants to put something in his mouth, he usually looks to me to find out if it's safe. I make an "icky" face if it's not appropriate. Without so much as a "no" from me, he will put the object down and move on. He seems to trust that I have his back. I will only interfere when his safety is at stake. And I trust him to play safely. I trust that he will learn the difference between danger and safety, between being nice and being mean to others. I respect him. And if I'm lucky, he will grow up respecting me, too. If I've done my job as a mother, he will also grow to respect others.