tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53523493001844830802024-03-13T10:55:12.317-07:00MaMammaliaParenting as a quest to be mindful, informed, and holisticUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-48300048904397715492014-04-22T22:02:00.001-07:002014-04-22T22:02:28.036-07:00Out for LunchI've moved on to other projects so I won't be writing here at MaMammalia for a long, long while. I do still check comments and email so feel free to drop me a note if you like. I've adored writing here and miss it immensely. Another day, perhaps...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-58596228793382846202013-03-10T22:22:00.001-07:002013-03-10T22:25:26.578-07:00Seeing Through the Spit in My Eyes <div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">In this series of posts, I explore
my personal challenges with each of the principles of unconditional parenting.
These personal accounts run in parallel with a series of information-based
posts where I explain each of the 13 basic principles of unconditional
parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. Want to start
from the beginning? Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> with links to all posts in the series.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">This post is related to Principle #5: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2013/02/change-how-you-see-not-just-how-you-act.html">Change How You See, Not Just How You Act</a></span></i></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5bkur6VLnzQ/UT1pzxMelzI/AAAAAAAAAIA/USkFIv9_pfY/s1600/1375867_67945947.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5bkur6VLnzQ/UT1pzxMelzI/AAAAAAAAAIA/USkFIv9_pfY/s1600/1375867_67945947.jpg" height="235" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo credit chevalgal of stock.xchng</td></tr>
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I had a parenting breakthrough. One of those moments when apparent disaster turns into gold, right before your eyes. When you see yourself go from wits end to rejoicing, when you see your child go from deranged fellow to gentle sweetness held in your arms. </div>
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It happened when Munchkin started spitting at me. On me. In my face. And laughing about it. Then, when I got upset about it, he'd say "I won't spit anymore" then turn around and do it again, giggling hysterically. Not seeing clearly, I initially succumbed to the very visceral reaction this stirred in me. Degradation. Deceit. Humiliation. I yelled. <i>I even had the urge to punish him</i>. That intense urge was so eye-opening that I knew I had to dig deeper. What was I missing? What did I not see?</div>
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I knew that he was imitating an aggressive child he'd had recent contact with. I knew that he had a stockpile of emotions to unleash. I knew this isn't how my son normally behaves, even when he's acting out. Still, in those trying moments I failed to see anything but a mean little boy who was treating me hurtfully. I failed to see the son I know. That blindness was more painful than any emotion I experienced from being spit on.</div>
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Then I rediscovered <a href="http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/56/64/Playlistening">Playlistening</a>. I opened my eyes and took a new look at this little spitter flailing in bed next to me. Instead of a little sh*t, I saw a little boy who wanted to connect with me, but who didn't feel quite comfortable enough to do so. I saw a little boy who needed my help, who wanted to be close. The next time he splattered me, I turned on my game face.</div>
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"Is there a sprinkler in here? Hey, it got me in the eye!" I let the game continue for a few minutes before I set the limit. It was bedtime so I had an easy out.</div>
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"OK, it's time to stop that game and settle down," I told him gently but seriously. He stood up, giggling. I brought him down with a firm embrace, saying <i>I gotcha, I gotcha. </i>His resistance subsided and we fell into bed together. He let out a few wimpers and whines, then rolled over into my arms and fell asleep within five minutes.</div>
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As I lay there smelling his hair, my eyes were open. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-70880690473029591762013-02-27T20:53:00.000-08:002013-02-27T20:53:48.455-08:00Change How You See, Not Just How You Act (Unconditional Parenting Principle #5)<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: right; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/64044925@N00/2903192937" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="Child 1" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="240" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3186/2903192937_d6e7d809e4_m.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="161" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 161px;">Child 1 (Photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/64044925@N00/2903192937" target="_blank">Tony Trần</a>)</td></tr>
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One of the great challenges of parenting unconditionally
is that it usually requires a fundamental shift in thinking. In addition to the
difficulty of finding parenting tactics outside of rewards and punishment, we
are faced with the reality that <b>we must
change how we see, not just how we act</b>. This, the fifth <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html">Principle ofUnconditional Parenting</a>, may be pivotal in a parent’s ability to
successfully use this gentle parenting style.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The decision to give up using rewards and punishment may
actually be quite easy, especially after considering all the evidence put forth
by <a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfie_Kohn" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Alfie Kohn">Kohn</a>. However, the
practice of unconditional parenting isn’t simply the omission of the carrot and
the stick. <b>We must also let go of the idea that children’s inappropriate
behaviors are violations that deserve retribution.</b> We have to let go of many
expectations and learn to resolve dissatisfaction. It does little good to refrain from assigning
a formal punishment but still exhibit contempt or disappointment towards the
child, either through overt verbal proclamations ("<i>you messed up") </i>or non-verbal body language (a disapproving grimace<i>)</i>. Instead, we are asked to respond with
a problem-solving attitude. We are asked to interpret a child’s behavior with
empathy and openness. Rather than looking for ways to bend and mold a child’s
behavior, we look for “teachable moments” through which we can work together. This
interaction is guided by compassion and respect rather than personal will.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As with any other aspect of parenting, changing our
viewpoint is much easier said than done.
Cultural messages, comments from well-meaning friends and family, and
our own history all play a role in how easily we take on an enlightened view of
our child’s actions. Moreover, most of us have automated responses that we are
unaware of or find difficult to stop. We may be triggered into undesirable
responses to our children – responses that we witnessed ourselves as children,
even if consciously we abhor those behaviors. During stressful moments, it can
be exceedingly difficult to experience anything other than our <i>own</i> hurt, anger, or fear. It can be hard
to see our children differently if we are stuck in our own unresolved feelings.
The ability to confront one’s own emotional state, to learn to regulate it, and
to separate it from our child’s behavior is an essential component to
integrating that compassionate view of children into our being. That, of
course, is what makes learning to see our children differently so challenging:
we must first come to see <i>ourselves</i>
more clearly.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-65261981370559453292013-02-19T12:13:00.000-08:002013-02-26T21:31:53.861-08:00Relationship Repair Through Physical and Emotional Injury<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: right; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Crying-girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="A toddler girl crying" border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="225" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c0/Crying-girl.jpg/300px-Crying-girl.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="300" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 300px;">A toddler girl crying (Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Crying-girl.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">In this series of posts, I explore
my personal challenges with each of the principles of unconditional parenting.
These personal accounts run in parallel with a series of information-based
posts where I explain each of the 13 basic principles of unconditional
parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. Want to start
from the beginning? Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> with links to all posts in the series.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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I saw the bike’s front tires turn sharply to the left,
but Munchkin’s body wasn’t quite ready for it. He went face first onto the
concrete. I calmly secured the dog’s leash under my foot and picked up my crying
Munchkin boy. My calm evaporated into worry as I saw the blood pouring from his
mouth. I grit my teeth as he bled all over the shoulder of my crème-colored hoodie. For a brief moment I was genuinely more
concerned about ruining my favorite Patagonia outerwear than I was for this
wailing kid. I indulged my resentment for an instant and found my way out with
the thought of Oxy-Clean. <i>That’s
motherhood for you</i>. No room for selfish acts of materialism. Given,
Munchkin has been excessively histrionic about his bumps and scrapes ever since
I had surgery on my arm almost a year ago. But this time his crying was even
more hysterical than usual. <i>Let it go</i>,
I told myself, grimacing at the burgundy smears appearing on my shoulder.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I need to get you inside right now,” I told him. I held
the thirty-plus pounds of Munchkin in one arm and with the other arm I carried
his balance bike and wrestled with the dog leash. Oh, that damn dog! She tugged
in the exact opposite direction of where I was headed. By the time we got back
to our gate, I was also fighting my own anger at this bump in the morning
schedule. When the dog pulled away from the gate, I pulled on her leash a bit
too hard and screamed at her to get inside. I know my tone upset Munchkin. I know my frustration made it worse. <i>Stay calm.</i> I reined myself in and
brought the focus to Munchkin. I still had no idea where he was hurt or to what
degree.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I held him while he cried for a few moments then set him
down on the couch. Everything in my being screamed <i>Emergency! Emergency!</i> I
haven’t always handled his injuries – or
my own – with grace. I was fighting so many internal demons, so many past bad
habits, so many <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/uncovering-sources-of-angry-reactions.html">bad memories</a>. I
silenced the wily chatter and considered the most sensible action to treat Munchkin.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I rushed to get a wet cloth for Munchkin’s mouth. Against
his very vocal complaints, I convinced him to put the cloth to his mouth. The
blood cleared enough for me to verify that he’d cut his lip, but I still
couldn’t tell about the teeth. The scrape on his knee oozed blood, but seemed
minor in comparison. I held him while he sucked on the wet cloth for a bit
longer and the bleeding finally stopped.
Then came the eruption.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Munchkin cried. And wailed. And screamed and heaved huge
sobs of old. About five minutes into the
crying session I realized there was a good chance we might not make it to the drop-off
playdate. I wouldn’t get my morning to myself. I wouldn’t get to apply for that
job, work on my new business, or tend to my other obligations. I wouldn’t get
to care for myself. <i>That’s motherhood for
you.</i> <o:p></o:p></div>
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Quite often my mind jumps to a final, harsh conclusion. <i>How will we ever afford to move out of
this tiny apartment?!</i> But something clicked. I remembered the words of Patty Wiplef of
<a href="http://www.handinhandparenting.org/">Hand In Hand Parenting</a>: crying is emotional cleansing. I was keenly
aware that Munchkin had an enormous bag full of painful emotions to unload…a premature birth to parents struggling to fight their own demons without much in the way of social or financial resources. This pain is more than anyone his age should ever have to bear.
<o:p></o:p></div>
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I wish I could have listened to my own inner child crying
with him, but it took all my strength just to sit and listen. I simply held him
close while he howled. I could even hear the difference between the moans of
agony and the shrieks of fury. He had it all. I listened to all of it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Never mind that job. Never mind my plans for the morning.
I need to be there for my kid when he most needs me. No one was ever there for
me through my childhood anguish and that was perhaps as damaging as the
original trauma. So <i>no</i>. This
relationship with my son matters more than any golden opportunity that comes up.
This <i>is</i> the golden opportunity. The
opportunity to stop the cycle, the opportunity to heal and do better by both of
us. I’ve battled the odds and moved
mountains before. I’ll find a job and get us out of here. I know I will. But
not today. Today, I sit and listen. <o:p></o:p></div>
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After about twenty minutes, the crying suddenly stopped.
I hadn’t spoken a word through all of it so I waited for his cue. He asked me
about the accident, but when I replied he cried again. After a few minutes
sucking on a frozen teething ring (so glad I kept those around!), he asked for
the boob. Yes! My most powerful band-aid! His fat lip didn’t seem to bother him
enough to deter him so I nursed him for a good half hour. He nearly dozed off,
but I know it was just the exhaustion of catharsis. <o:p></o:p></div>
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By the time he finished nursing, it was too late to make
the playdate so we went out to buy watercolors. At the store we found Noise
Putty, which made us laugh so hysterically that we bought some and brought it
home. Even with my well-developed sense of potty humor, I’ve never laughed
quite so hard over fart noises before. I don’t think Munchkin had either.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-8508755487801369602013-01-29T19:23:00.000-08:002013-01-29T19:23:40.264-08:00Putting the Parent-Child Relationship First (Unconditional Parenting Principle #4)<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">In this series of posts, I
summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in
<a class="zem_slink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfie_Kohn" rel="wikipedia" target="_blank" title="Alfie Kohn">Kohn</a>'s book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations
gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with
a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my
own mothering. Want to start from the beginning? Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> and for links to all posts in the series.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Courtesty screened.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Kohn's Unconditional Parenting Principle #4: Put the relationship First</b><br />
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As we saw with the <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/02/eye-on-long-term-parenting-goals.html">third
principle of Unconditional Parenting</a>, it's essential to have a vision of
where we are going in our parenting journey. One vital aspect to this long view of parenting is to <b>put the relationship with our child first</b>.
Placing a premium on the relationship itself provides the structure and freedom
to parent with unconditional love. Our role as parent and offspring is not just
as leader and follower, dominant and submissive, or authority figure and
citizen. Instead, it is a partnership in which the parent is the primary guide
and teacher, and often the willing student and listener.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Putting the relationship with our children first means
taking the time to consider their viewpoint. It means taking pause when we
become upset with them. The challenge is to return our focus to the
relationship, rather than just the 'acting out' or irritating behaviors of our children. When
making decisions about discipline, we have to consider whether our actions will
negatively affect the relationship. This doesn't mean that a child must be
happy with every parental decision. It does mean that we should consider
whether our choices might damage the relationship. Not getting one's way all
the time is one thing and kids can learn to cope with that. Feeling rejected,
misunderstood, or unheard, however, could very well create rifts in the
parent-child relationship. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In many ways, it helps to think about our role as parents
in the same we do our other long-term roles, such as in marriage and
friendship. If we genuinely care about the lasting relationship, we spend a lot
of time and effort on communication, trust, showing respect and gratitude, and
working through disagreements. We screw up. We get angry and hurt. We fight. We
make amends. We change. We accept. We also love each other, find meaning and
connection, laugh and have a jolly good time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It's not so different with kids. This is not to say that
having a partnership with children means letting them do whatever they want. In
equitable, adult relationships, we aren't allowed to do whatever we want,
either. Don't mistake partnership for permissiveness.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Having a sound relationship with our children also makes
the job of parenting that much easier. When a child has trust, respect, and
deep love for a parent -- based on experience, not the biological imperative of
being a dependent child -- he becomes easier to guide. Cooperation,
communication, and problem-solving are all facilitated by a willingness and
sincere desire to interact with the parent. It's no big surprise because adults
are the same way. Would you prefer a boss who orders you around or one who
treats you with decency?<o:p></o:p></div>
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When the parent-child relationship is strained or broken,
however, kids are more likely to "misbehave." Ever notice that when
you're stressed, distant, or otherwise not well connected to your child that he
becomes harder to deal with? It's not just because your mind and heart are
elsewhere or your threshold is low. <i>It's
because children can sense a strain on the relationship</i>.<i> </i>Acting out may be the way they ask for
help or express their own concerns about the situation. We just have to be
willing to listen and pay attention. We have to work a little harder to get
what it is they're saying - or screaming, whining, singing, crying, or shouting
hysterically with laughter.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The good news is that if we make the relationship with
our kids a top priority, then the relationship <i>can</i> recover from the many mistakes we are likely to make as parents
(and yes, we all make mistakes). Smaller problems often magically
resolve themselves after we take the time to connect. Larger issues may take
more time and effort, but even those can be repaired if we genuinely care about
our relationship.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If we want the loving parent-child relationship to last
beyond eighteen years, beyond independence, distance, and differences in adult
lifestyles, it's worth making it a priority. Of course, there’s also the intrinsic value of
the relationship. Who can deny the transcendent power of holding your little one close in your arms? On many days, that’s enough to fuel the tiring work of
parenting. On other days, it’s nice to know that having that core foundation
will make parenting just a bit easier.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><i>Do
you have the kind of relationship with your child that you’d like to have?<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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<b>For Further Reading<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/building-relationship">Building
a great relationship with your child</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.extension.purdue.edu/providerparent/family-child%20relationships/differenttypesp-c.htm">Different
Types of Parent-Child Relationships</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.childtrends.org/Files/Child_Trends-2008_08_08_FS_ParentChild.pdf">The
Parent-Child Relationship: A Family Strength</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/149047.php">Study of
Relationships Between Adult Children and Parents</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.task.fm/parent-child-relationship">How
do you develop a parent child relationship?</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://www.task.fm/parent-child-relationship">Five
Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="http://michaeldavis.hubpages.com/hub/Repairing-a-Broken-Relationship">Repairing
a broken relationship</a></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-12379068443535478222012-12-02T21:35:00.000-08:002012-12-03T19:48:51.089-08:00Stay tuned<br />
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Gosh, I've missed writing here. I wish I could just jump
right in and go, but I still have some constraints to work out. Soon, soon,
I'll be back with more posts of substance. And posts of more substance <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
In the meantime, I wanted to assure my readers that when
I’m up and running again, you can expect more of what MaMammalia has offered in
the past. I may take some bigger risks with my writing because, well, that’s
how you get better at anything worth doing. I also have a few small changes in
mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m planning to monetize my site again. Sadly, during my
hiatus I lost my BlogHer support. I’ll be replacing it with AdSense, Amazon
links, and hopefully a few affiliate ads. Eventually I’ll be back on board with
BlogHer as well. Don’t worry, I’m not going to sell out. I won’t try to sell
you anything and if I do I will be very up front about what’s in it for me.
I’ll make sure there’s something in it for my readers, too! A website plastered with ads is not a part of
my vision. My priority is to write and to share my parenting journey with you, yet
I would be a fool to pass up the opportunity to earn a few bucks along the way.
Hopefully we won’t have to look at too many tampon ads in the process!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Finally, I’ve wanted to make some aesthetic changes to
MaMammalia for a looong time. My blogging budget is exactly $0 so I’ll make do with what Blogger has to offer. As with anything else
here, I’m open to feedback! If you show up on this page one day and it’s hot
pink with turquoise font, rest assured that I just hit the wrong button while
testing out different templates. Not that I’m opposed to those colors, I just
prefer a muted look. If only blogging were just research and writing!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Alrighty then. Thanks for standing by, everyone. Stay
tuned…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-34074019765118387022012-04-16T21:37:00.000-07:002012-04-16T21:37:00.206-07:00In Case You Were WonderingIn case you were wondering, yes, I'm still here.<br />
<br />
Bloggers, like everyone else, have lives that occasionally become complicated. They disappear from the scene for days, weeks, or even months, without so much as a word. I've seen this several times and wondered, "What happened? Did someone die? Is she OK??"<br />
<br />
So let me share at least a few words with you.<br />
<br />
No, no one died (recently). And yes, I'm (mostly) OK. My life, however, is complicated these days and I need to cut out some of the peripherals until things settle down. Sadly, that means blogging for me. I'll still be around, reading and following my tribe. I'll still respond to comments and emails. I'll still nurture this little spot in cyberspace. I may even do some writing and perhaps I will share some of it later on. For now, however, my life - and particularly my son - needs my full and undivided attention. <i>In the flesh</i>, not the screen. <br />
<br />
But never fear, I have all intentions of returning. I hope you'll come back later because will MaMammalia, too!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-50038230952625804432012-03-13T00:01:00.001-07:002012-03-13T13:57:10.773-07:00Dear Special Needs Mama<strong>Welcome to the March 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With Special Needs</strong><br />
<em>This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by <a href="http://www.hobomama.com/2012/03/march-carnival-of-natural-parenting.html" target="_blank">Hobo Mama</a> and <a href="http://codenamemama.com/2012/03/13/march-2012-carnatpar/" target="_blank">Code Name: Mama</a>. This month our participants have shared how we parent despite and because of challenges thrown our way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.</em><br />
<hr width="80%" /><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">I'm taking another break from my <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html">series on Unconditional Parenting</a> to join this month's Natural Parenting Blog Carnival. This month's theme touches on something rather personal: parenting a child with special needs.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It's a hard and lonely road to parent a high needs child who was also born premature. To some, a child like this may not even qualify as "special needs." </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Premature births are almost normalized these days, so it's easy for people to take them for granted. If the child turns out physically healthy, then everything is just fine, right? Unless you've been through it, it's hard to recognize the depth, severity, and lasting effects of the emotional trauma a family experiences when a baby is born premature. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Unless you have a high needs child, it's hard to recognize how isolating and exhausting it is. Because all infants and children are needy, it's also hard to find support or validation for parenting a <a href="http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/what-high-need-means-story-about-our-high-need-baby">"high-needs" child</a>. The risk of blaming yourself for the hardship is high. It doesn't matter that your child's intense needs may arise from innate characteristics or be exacerbated by a traumatic birth experience. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>If a child has special needs, you can bet that a mama does, too</b>. After twenty-seven sleepless months, I'm still integrating and learning to accept our reality. I'm still working out the how-to's. The upshot is that I'm learning lessons in self-love through this process. Whether or not your child has special needs, I think <i>all</i> mothers deserve a lot more self-love.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So when I thought about this post, I thought about what I would most want to hear from someone on the other side. I decided to write a letter to myself -- and all special needs mamas. Here's what I came up with:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Dear Sylvia,<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Be kind and patient with yourself. Coming to terms with a birth experience quite opposite from what you'd hoped, then learning to be a mother for the first time to a baby in the NICU, and then mothering a high needs child without much support are really, really hard things to do. Keep that in perspective.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Give yourself as much time to heal as you need. You have intensely emotional experiences to reconcile, grieving to do, and new found wisdom to plough. Let the process unfold as it will.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Don't compare yourself to others. Each birth story is as unique as the child that came of it. Each child has his own strengths and weaknesses that makes him easier or harder to parent in different ways. What looks easier or more fulfilling for someone else may only be part of the story.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Follow your maternal heart, that guarded and secure place, deep within your soul, that place where the two of you were once connected physically, that place where you and your son return to bond. It will guide you in your decisions and it will help you find peace.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Take care of yourself. It's easy to get lost in the extreme and constant neediness of a high needs child who still feels those pangs of loss and separation. But you are the parent, the guide, and the role model. Your well-being is critical to the process of acceptance, for yourself and your child. Nurture yourself as you do him.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Learn to see your son's strengths in his neediness and heightened sensitivity. You've been given an amazing child with keen insight and perception. Focus on those qualities. Let them lead you out of the funky pits of self-pity, resentment, and exasperation.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Know that your love matters. Although you might not feel strong or patient enough for this journey, know that you are. You're already doing it and doing it well. At the end of the day, whether it's been a good one or hard one, it's your love that matters most.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Your dearest friend and biggest fan,<o:p></o:p></i><br />
<i><br />
</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'AR BERKLEY'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">MaMammalia<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</span></div><p>***</p><p><a href="http://www.hobomama.com/p/carnival-of-natural-parenting.html" target="_blank" title="Carnival of Natural Parenting"><img align="right" alt="Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama" border="0" class="alignright" src="http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee159/lintpicker/CNPnaturalparent.jpg" /></a>Visit <a href="http://www.hobomama.com/p/carnival-of-natural-parenting.html" target="_blank"><strong>Hobo Mama</strong></a> and <a href="http://codenamemama.com/carnival-of-natural-parenting/" target="_blank"><strong>Code Name: Mama</strong></a> to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!</p><p>Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:</p><p><em>(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)</em></p><div style="clear: both;"></div><ul><li><strong><a href="http://www.hybridrastamama.com/2012/03/parenting-child-with-neutropenia.html" target="_blank">Parenting A Child With Neutropenia</a></strong> — Jennifer at <strong>Hybrid Rasta Mama</strong> discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://growingslower.blogspot.com/2012/03/how-I-love-my-high-need-baby.html" target="_blank">How I Love My High Need Baby</a></strong> — Shannon at <strong>GrowingSlower</strong> was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she's surviving thanks to attachment parenting.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.ourlittleacorn.com/2012/03/were-lot-like-you" target="_blank">We're a Lot Like You</a></strong> — kaidera at <strong>Our Little Acorn</strong> talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/emotional-bonding-preemies/" target="_blank">The Emotional Components of Bonding with Preemies</a></strong> — Having a premature baby can bring on many unexpected emotions for parents, but working through those emotions can bring about a wonderful bonding experience. Adrienne at <strong>Natural Parents Network</strong> shares.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://theclearscamandrach.blogspot.com/2012/03/raising-babe-with-iugr.html" target="_blank">Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years</a></strong> — Rachel at <strong>Lautaret Bohemiet</strong> shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://maydela.blogspot.com/2012/03/when-a-grandparent-has-a-disability.html" target="_blank">When a grandparent has a disability</a></strong> — Shannon at <strong>Pineapples & Artichokes</strong> shares how she has approached explaining her mother's disability to her young child.</li>
<li><strong><a href="#" target="_blank">Taking The Time To Really See Our Children</a></strong> — Sam at <strong>Love Parenting</strong> writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.whatiwouldtellyou.com/weblog/natural-parenting-in-an-unnatural-environment/" target="_blank">Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment</a></strong> — Julie at <strong>What I Would Tell You</strong> gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.</li>
<li><strong><a href="#" target="_blank">Getting Through the NICU</a></strong> — Laura at <strong>Authentic Parenting</strong> gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn's stay in the NICU.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://reedfamilyjourney.blogspot.com/2012/03/living-with-sensory-processing-disorder.html" target="_blank">Living With Sensory Processing Disorder</a></strong> — Christy at <strong>Adventures in Mommyhood</strong> talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://hannahandhorn.blogspot.com/2012/03/Our-Rules-for-NICU-March-Carnival.html" target="_blank">Our rules for NICU - March Carnival</a></strong> — <strong>Hannabert's Mom</strong> shares her family's rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://positiveparentingconnection.net/muddyboots" target="_blank">Muddy Boots: Speaking Up for Special Friends</a></strong> — <strong>MudpieMama</strong> shares about the day her little boy stepped up and spoke up for his best "special" friend.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://cincodemommy.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/letter-from-minerals-service-dog/" target="_blank">Letter from Mineral's Service Dog</a></strong> — Erika at <strong>Cinco de Mommy</strong> imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son's Service Dog.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.thatmamagretchen.com/03/2012/blessings-in-unexpected-places.html" target="_blank">Blessings in Unexpected Places</a></strong> — <strong>That Mama Gretchen</strong> welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://childorganics.blogspot.com/2012/03/tube-feeding-with-blenderized-diet-of.html" target="_blank">Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods</a></strong> — Erica at <strong>ChildOrganics</strong> shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://little-willa-lamb.blogspot.com/2012/03/Abbey-Evan" target="_blank">Abbey and Evan</a></strong> — Amyables at <strong>Toddler In Tow</strong> writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.</li>
<li><strong><a href="#" target="_blank">How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD</a></strong> — Christine at <strong>African Babies Don’t Cry</strong> shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.almostallthetruth.com/green-living/tough-decisions-parenting-with-special-needs" target="_blank">Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs</a></strong> — Brenna at <strong>Almost All The Truth</strong> shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://goodenoughmummy.typepad.com/good_enough_mum/2012/02/life-with-an-autistic-child.html" target="_blank">Life with my son</a></strong> — For Dr. Sarah at <strong>Good Enough Mum</strong>, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/03/dear-special-needs-mama.html" target="_blank">Dear Special Needs Mama</a></strong> — Sylvia at <strong>MaMammalia</strong> writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.</li>
<li><strong><a href="#" target="_blank">His Voice</a></strong> — Laura at <strong>WaldenMommy</strong> relives the day her son said his first sentence.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.mummedia.net/2012/03/what-is-wrong-with-you-the-challenges-of-raising-a-spirited-child/" target="_blank">What is 'wrong' with you' The challenge of raising a spirited child</a></strong> — Tara at <strong>MUMmedia</strong> discusses the challenges of raising a child who is 'more' intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/p1qmQy-NB" target="_blank">Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs</a></strong> — Jorje of <strong>Momma Jorje</strong> shares her shortlist of tips she's learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at <strong>Becoming Crunchy</strong>.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/pMVLj-1cP" target="_blank">Parenting the Perfectionist Child</a></strong> — Mandy at <strong>Living Peacefully with Children</strong> discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://livingmontessorinow.com/2012/03/13/montessori-inspired-special-needs-support/" target="_blank">Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support</a></strong> — Deb Chitwood at <strong>Living Montessori Now</strong> gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://codenamemama.com/2012/03/13/march-2012-carnatpar/" target="_blank">Accommodating Others' Food Allergies</a></strong> — Ever wonder how to handle another family's food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At <strong>Code Name: Mama</strong>, Dionna's friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.puginthekitchen.com/?p=470" target="_blank">Only make promises you can keep</a></strong> — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of <strong>A Pug in the Kitchen</strong> and what she is willing to promise for the future.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/p2ce7l-zN" target="_blank">A Mom and Her Son</a></strong> — Jen at <strong>Our Muddy Boots</strong> was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://touchstonez.com/2012/03/13/guest-post-from-marfmom/" target="_blank">Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom</a></strong> — Zoie at <strong>TouchstoneZ</strong> is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.thevariegatedlife.com/you-dont-have-to-be-a-rock/" target="_blank">You Don't Have to Be a Rock</a></strong> — Rachael at <strong>The Variegated Life</strong> finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.anktangle.com/2012/03/when-special-needs-looks-normal.html" target="_blank">When Special Needs Looks "Normal"</a></strong> — Amy at <strong>Anktangle</strong> writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.vosefamily.blogspot.com/2012/03/special-needs-limitation-or-liberation.html" target="_blank">Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation?</a></strong> — Melissa of <strong>White Noise</strong> describes the beauty in children with special needs.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.domesticchaos.com/2012/03/how-i-learned-it-would-be-okay.html" target="_blank">How I Learned It'll Be Okay</a></strong> — Ashley at <strong>Domestic Chaos</strong> reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.</li>
<li><strong><a href="#" target="_blank">Attachment Parenting and Depression</a></strong> — Shannon at <strong>The Artful Mama</strong> discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.hobomama.com/2012/03/march-carnival-of-natural-parenting.html" target="_blank">On invisible special needs & compassion</a></strong> — Lauren at <strong>Hobo Mama</strong> points out that even if we can't see a special need, it doesn't mean it's not there.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.intrepidmurmurings.com/2012/03/thoughts-on-parenting-twins/" target="_blank">Thoughts on Parenting Twins</a></strong> — Kristin at <strong>Intrepid Murmurings</strong> shares her approach to parenting twins.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.breastfeedingtwins.org/2012/03/breastfeeding-in-the-nicu/ " target="_blank">ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU</a></strong> — Jona at <strong>Breastfeeding Twins</strong> offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.diaryofafirstchild.com/2012/03/13/life-with-michael-a-mothers-experience-of-life-with-aspergers-disorder" target="_blank">Life With Michael - A Mother's Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder</a></strong> — At <strong>Diary of a First Child</strong>, Luschka's sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother's love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.mommajorje.com/2012/03/raised-by-special-needs-mom.html" target="_blank">Raised by a Special Needs Mom</a></strong> — <strong>Momma Jorje</strong> shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.elliestumbo.blogspot.com/2012/03/becoming-special-needs-mom.html" target="_blank">Becoming a Special Needs Mom</a></strong> — Ellen at <strong>These Broken Vases</strong> shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://mybabysweets.blogspot.com/2012/03/she-said-it-was-vital.html" target="_blank">She Said It Was "Vital"</a></strong> — Alicia of <strong>Lactation Narration</strong> (and <strong>My Baby Sweets</strong>) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.</li>
</ul>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-31979256034077127052012-03-03T23:05:00.001-08:002013-02-26T21:27:21.368-08:00Leaving the playground<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">In this series of posts, I explore my personal challenges with each of the principles of unconditional parenting. In this post I discuss using my long-term parenting goals to find short-term solutions to a common parenting issue. These personal accounts run in parallel with a series of information-based posts where I explain each of the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. Want to start from the beginning? Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> with links to all posts in the series.</span></i></div>
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I've seen it way too many times. The parents are ready to leave playground, but the kid isn't. This is the point at which I see many parents break out the promise of something great to follow, like ice-cream. When the child doesn't jump for the bait, they quickly renege on that promise. <i>OK, no ice-cream then</i>. Of course, the kid gets angry and hurt and is even less likely to follow the people who are toying with his emotions. Then the threat escalates to taking away other privileges, and when that doesn't work they throw in the threat of an actual punishment. They might even toss in some begging and pleading along with this deal making. </div>
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This process boggles my mind. It's kind of like watching someone shoot themselves in the foot and I often feel sad for both parent and child. Really, it's just so much easier to <i>not</i> use rewards or punishments to get a kid to stop having fun. It's a lot easier to work together and to learn to cope with each other's disappointments and conflicting desires. It's a lot easier to be honest and creative. </div>
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I think about the process of leaving the park, or any fun time, in terms of <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/02/eye-on-long-term-parenting-goals.html">long-term parenting goals</a>. One of my goals is to have a good relationship with my son. I want Munchkin to trust that I will do my best to meet his needs and to fulfill his desires. I want him to respect <i>my</i> needs and desires and to trust my decisions. Broken promises and false negotiations would interfere with these ideals. </div>
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I'd also like to show him that losses and goodbyes are difficult, yet normal, parts of life. Ending a good time is hard enough. It's not a process that should be tainted with ultimatums or false hopes. Life will throw him plenty of those without me imposing them. I'd rather help Munchkin work through the feelings of loss and disappointment early on so he can learn to deal with them later...and learn to have faith that good times are sure to return.</div>
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Considering my long-term goals, what can I do in the short-term? How can I get a two year-old to leave the playground? Here's a look at how I use my long-term vision to guide my actions in getting a toddler to leave the park. </div>
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I don't use punishment in general, but it's still important to point out that <b>I never use the threat of "going home" to stop unwanted behavior.</b> If leaving the playground is ever used as a punishment, it's likely that a child will come to view leaving as, well, a punishment. That definitely runs counter to my long-term vision of resilience after loss.</div>
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Before I even announce the prospect of going to the park, I make sure <b>I plan ahead</b>. Believe it or not, there <i>is</i> a time when a kid is ready to leave the park, often based on hunger, thirst, fatigue, and their threshold for stimulation. Figuring out how long that is makes it easier for everyone. My son takes up to an hour to settle in to a new environment, so I try to plan at least that long at any new spot. Even at our regular parks, I make sure we have ample time. If I try to leave after a half hour, he will undoubtedly get upset because his needs haven't been met. <b>Considering that the whole point of taking him to a playground is for him to play, the least I can do is allow that to happen on his terms, not mine.</b> If we're short on time, we might go for a walk in the neighborhood instead. I also go equipped with snacks, water, and extra clothes depending on weather. Those extra few minutes of preparation can buy us a lot of extra fun time.</div>
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Once we've been at the park long enough, I start my exit strategy. First, I make sure that I <b>connect and engage in play before leaving. </b>As I wrote about in one of <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/05/8-gentle-strategies-to-foster-toddler.html">my other posts</a>, taking a moment to connect with your child can have a big effect on how willing he is to go along with your request. Intruding on a kid's fun to say "Let's go home now" is not likely to be well received! If I've been standing nearby just watching, I make sure to climb the ladder or throw the ball before I even mention that we're leaving. </div>
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As leaving time approaches, I <b>give a heads-up a few minutes before it's time to go. </b><i>We're leaving in a few minutes. Go ahead and finish up your game/climbing/sliding. I'm going to get our things ready and then we'll leave. </i>I often hear parents give a five-minute warning at the playground, but I prefer to say a <i>few</i> minutes. "Five more minutes" sounds threatening to me (especially coming from <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/03/bad-parenting-example-1-yap-dog-parents.html">yap dog parents</a>) because it places too much emphasis on the clock and not enough on helping the child transition away from a good time. The point of giving a warning is to <b>give the child some time to prepare for the transition</b>. I view it as an opportunity for my son to wrap up his playtime (physically and emotionally), which may take five minutes, ten minutes, or even thirty seconds. I use that time to pack up the bagful of snacks and extra clothes or get my transition activity ready (see below).</div>
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When I'm ready to go, I <b>announce that it's time to leave.</b> I wait for the right moment to step in with the expected <i>We're going to leave now</i>. If he's still actively engaged in something, I'll say "after this next time down the slide" or "one more time." After that, <i>it's time to go</i>.</div>
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Of course, Munchkin often resists at that point, even if he really is ready to leave -- and <i>especially</i> if he's over-stimulated, tired, or hungry. If I need to reconnect with Munchkin again after the final announcement, I <b>use a goodbye game. </b>I like to use hide-and-seek to herd Munchkin from point A to point B (read more about it <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-toddler-to-go-where-you.html">here</a>). I also like to play chase with him, where I give him a few goes of getting away from me, then I swoop in and scoop him up. He may let out a few cries of resistance, but if I stick with the playful attitude, he tends to settle into my arms or walk willingly next to me. It's amazing how much time and effort I save by creating a joint venture in the departure process.</div>
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Then, to help him focus on moving in the we're-leaving-now-direction, I <b>offer a</b> <b>transition activity</b> that I've kept in the car, stroller, or backpack. I don't like to refer to activities that can't be done immediately because then it's not really a transition. I often use a favorite snack that we only eat on the go, a toy he hasn't played with in awhile, or some item he picked up along the way to the park. <i>Sounds like a bribe</i>, I hear you thinking. Trust me, I struggled for awhile with whether I was bribing him or not and finally decided it's not a bribe. The difference between bribe and transition activity is a pretty fine line that has a lot to do with attitude and approach. <b>I do not offer the transition activity as a reward for leaving the playground. Nor do I deny giving it to him if he throws a fit or puts up resistance. </b>It's an option of what to do next now that we're leaving the park. I try to set it up so that it makes sense to move away from the playground to this new activity. <i>Do you want to go eat a fruit bar with me? Are you ready for your snack? Hey, do you remember the red tractor we left in the car? Guess what I have in my bag?</i> And so on.</div>
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Finally, I <b>provide the chance for closure by asking him if he'd like to</b> <b>say goodbye.</b> Saying goodbye to new or old friends, to trees, toys or play structures can help him process that this is the end. Plus, it's a nice way for a toddler to learn about cultural norms of bidding farewell. I model the phrase then ask <b><i>if</i></b> Munchkin would like to say goodbye (it's always his choice). <i>Bye green ball. Bye bucket and shovel.</i></div>
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Usually, that's enough for us to leave the park peacefully. Sometimes, it's not. Sometimes there's whining and crying, even kicking and thrashing. From what I've noticed, it usually has very little to do with not wanting to leave the playground. Did something upsetting happen recently? Have I been distant or cranky lately? Is he over-tired and beyond his limits? <b>It is precisely during those emotionally wrought partings that he needs me to</b> <b>follow through</b>. He needs me to be calm and assertive, yet gentle. <i>I see you're upset. I hear that you want to stay, but we're leaving now. I'm really sorry but we have to go now.</i> I pick him up if he runs away, but inevitably, he asks to get down after a moment...and comes with me anyway. </div>
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In many ways, ending good times has brought us closer. We become more connected because I'm there to guide him through the process, authentically. He's grown to trust my decision to leave, and I've learned to be more flexible about how and when we do that. I'm sure as he grows older I'll have to come up with new and better tricks to get him to leave, but I'm also sure I won't be using rewards or punishment to do so. Because <i>really</i>, love is a lot easier.<br />
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<i><b>Do you have some good leaving the playground tricks? Please share them, I'd love to try them, too!</b></i></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-84350416526030355762012-02-22T22:24:00.000-08:002013-02-26T20:37:59.775-08:00An Eye On Long-Term Parenting Goals (Unconditional Parenting Principle #3)<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">In this series of posts, I summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my own mothering. Want to start from the beginning? Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> and for links to all posts in the series.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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When it comes to raising children, we're most often concerned with short-term parenting issues. ..how to get out the door on time, maintain a household, and have our kids eat their veggies and do well in school. </div>
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In <i>Unconditional Parenting, </i>Kohn warns us about placing too much emphasis on short-term parenting issues. In fact, the book centers around a simple question posed to parents: what are your long-term goals for your children? He didn't mean whether you want your kid to go to Harvard or be a trash collector. He meant, <b>what kind of person do you hope to raise?</b> When you think about your child all grown up, what do you hope for her? Affluence? Education? Manners? Obedience? Conformity? Independence? Happiness? Inner peace? Decency? Compassion? Responsibility? Creativity? </div>
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<b>This question of long-term parenting goals is central to unconditional parenting because the answers help inform our short-term parenting choices</b>. We have to consider what the possible long-term effects are of our most commonly used parenting strategies. </div>
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Kohn also warns us that the most commonly used parenting strategies may not be in line with most parents' long-term goals for their kids. Typically, those strategies involve a system of rewards and punishment that are hallmarks of <b>conditional</b> parenting. This system is easily adopted by parents because it's so common (we learn to parent by example) and because it seems to work in the short-term. Bribes and rewards get the kids to bed faster and make getting out the door easier. And withdrawing privileges - or threatening to do so- often works to stop unwanted behaviors. </div>
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However, <b><i>reliance on the system of rewards and punishment in the short-term</i> <i>may actually </i>interfere<i> with the long-term goals we have for our kids. </i></b>What numerous studies have shown is that the habitual use of rewards and punishments leads a child to think about immediate consequences to <i>themselves,</i> rather than the overall effects of their actions. <i>I can do it as long as I don't get caught</i>. <i>I want that cookie, so I'll just do whatever my mom asks</i>. So if empathy and self-regulation are part of the long-term goals for your child, it's worth considering whether you're actually instilling those qualities or just modifying your child's outward behavior.</div>
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Think about it. If you want your child to be intrinsically motivated, does it make sense to use the carrot and stick? If you want your child to feel unconditionally loved by her caregivers, does it makes sense to ignore her when she's sad or angry (i.e. put her in a time out or punish acting out behaviors)? If you want your child to feel confident in taking on new endeavors, does it makes sense to label her as smart rather than highlighting her efforts? If you want your child to be considerate, does it makes sense to enforce good manners instead of talking to her about empathy? Again, taking time to consider questions like these can provide the most powerful guidance for navigating short-term parenting issues.</div>
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Fortunately, thinking about our long-term parenting goals doesn't have to be methodical or painstaking. Nor do we have to get hung-up on every short-term decision. The point is to keep an eye on the big picture and not get lost in the details of today. Whether or not your child cleans her room this week isn't as important as how you show her to be a respectful, contributing member of a household. Deciding whether or not to allow your child to eat Goldfish for dinner isn't as important as the attitude you teach towards healthy eating. Whether or not your toddler says "I'm sorry" after hitting her sister doesn't matter as much as helping her learn that others have feelings and that she can learn to manage her own, too. Even using the occasional reward or punishment isn't going to create an insecure miscreant if you're also making efforts to connect with your child and honor her feelings. With unconditional parenting, the challenge is to provide unconditional support and guidance, even through those short-term struggles.</div>
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With long-term goals in mind, we still need tools for dealing with the short-term goals. Next time, I'll share some of my own short-term strategies that don't include rewards or punishment.<br />
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<b>For further reading:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<a href="http://sfhelp.org/parent/goals.htm">Common long-term goals of effective parents</a> A no-frills piece from Break the Cycle.</div>
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<a href="http://codenamemama.com/2011/07/12/july-carnatpar/">Tools for creating your parenting philosophy</a> An informative and insightful post from Code Name: Mama, with useful exercises for defining your goals.</div>
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<a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-starter-kit-for-unconditional.html">My starter kit for unconditional parenting</a> A list of parenting practices (from yours truly) I use that are in line with my long-term goals for raising a compassionate and autonomous boy.</div>
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<a href="http://parentingwithunderstanding.com/2012/01/03/long-term-not-short-term-goals/">Long term, not short term goals</a> A great article about how short-term solutions to discipline can interfere with long-term goals for our children.<br />
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photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/matthigh/1831381353/">mlhradio</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com/">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-77344456846111907752012-02-14T00:01:00.001-08:002012-02-14T00:01:01.667-08:00Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life<strong>Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions With Other Parents</strong><br />
<em>This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by <a href="http://codenamemama.com/2012/02/14/feb-2012-carnatpar/" target="_blank">Code Name: Mama</a> and <a href="http://www.hobomama.com/2012/02/february-carnival-of-natural-parenting.html" target="_blank">Hobo Mama</a>. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.</em><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">NOTE: I'm taking a short detour from my <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html">Unconditional Parenting series</a> to take part in this blog carnival. Finding respectful ways of interacting with other parents is such an important topic, particularly for anyone interested in unconventional parenting styles.I invite my readers to explore the other posts listed at the bottom. </span><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">I live in one of the most progressive and multicultural metropolitan areas in the United States. Oddly enough, unconditional parenting (or attachment, natural, or conscious parenting) isn't very common, at least in my particular suburb. Almost every day I interact with other parents who do not share my parenting choices. I've made some mistakes during some of these interactions, but I've also learned some valuable lessons. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">First of all, I've come to realize that <b>respect for self, others, and planet is central to my parenting philosophy.</b> That means I have to model respect if I ever hope my son to exhibit it. While I may disagree with other parent's choices, I still have to respect their right to make choices...even if I find them distasteful, offensive or hurtful. I'm sure some of them feel the same about some of my choices.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Furthermore<b>, it takes much more than a comment here or there to fully inform others about my parenting choices. </b>Most of what I do runs so counter to mainstream parenting culture that it warrants thorough discussion and explanation (think: no rewards or punishment, no TV, breastfeeding a 2 year-old, doing EC, and I'm even thinking about homeschooling; check out my <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html">latest blog series</a> for "thorough explanations"). My choices are often misunderstood but I will only engage in discussions about them if the other party is genuinely interested. Parenting raises so many personal issues that people can become defensive unless they are open to hearing information that runs counter to their world view. So, I keep my ideas to myself. And my blog.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Secondly, <b>I can inform and reach many more people if I do so with compassion</b>. I don't want to argue, I want to share and learn. Although I do have very strong opinions, I avoid sharing them with parents I don't know well. Strong opinions have a way of turning people off and people stop listening if they don't immediately agree. Instead, I focus on sharing the information that has led me to form the opinions I do have. Some people will become inspired and make the same choices I do. Others simply won't get it and will go on doing what everyone else does. Either way, it's their choice and I respect their right to make those choices.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>I've also started looking at parents as individuals with their own struggles to overcome</b>. I think every parent wishes better for their child than they had it. Whether that's more stuff, more love, more freedom, or whatever, we're all just trying to make the next generation a little better. Maybe that family comes from a culture where cloth diapering is considered low-class, so using disposables feels like financial freedom. Maybe the helicopter mom is showing all the love she never received from absent, neglectful parents. Maybe the parents trying to get their kid away from the playground with promises of sweets and threats of no ice-cream have never even heard of unconditional parenting. Maybe the father dragging his kid by the arm out of the park is exercising considerable restraint compared to the beatings he once received. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">I'm not saying I think all parenting choices are justifiable, I'm just saying those parents don't need my contempt or unsolicited advice. They need my support, my empathy, and access to the same information I have. <b>The most respectful thing I can do is model the choices I'm making and be willing to peacefully share the reasons why.</b></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Finally, I've come to learn that <b>parents with different approaches have valuable information to offer</b>. That means I also have to be willing to listen to what other parents have to say. They might know a trick or coping strategy I wouldn't have thought of. They may have a way of navigating parenthood that can bring new insights to my own. They can also teach me to be more compassionate when I realize how much we share in common. Because parenting is hard work, no matter what approach you take.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So while I have dreams of changing the world through peaceful parenting, I've come to accept that the only way we can get better as parents is by supporting each other and exchanging information, with open minds and open hearts. If we begin with a little respect, we might just change the world, together.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://codenamemama.com/carnival-of-natural-parenting/" target="_blank" title="Carnival of Natural Parenting"><img align="right" alt="Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama" border="0" class="alignright" src="http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee159/lintpicker/CNPnaturalparent.jpg" /></a>Visit <a href="http://codenamemama.com/carnival-of-natural-parenting/" target="_blank"><strong>Code Name: Mama</strong></a> and <a href="http://www.hobomama.com/p/carnival-of-natural-parenting.html" target="_blank"><strong>Hobo Mama</strong></a> to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!<br />
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:<br />
<em>(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)</em><br />
<div style="clear: both;"></div><ul><li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/p1eq2r-3Xz" target="_blank">How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment</a></strong> — At <strong>Natural Parents Network</strong>, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it's from your mom or the grocery store clerk.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.hybridrastamama.com/2012/02/judgement-is-natural-just-dont-condemn.html" target="_blank">Judgement is Natural - Just Don't Condemn</a></strong> — Jennifer at <strong>Hybrid Rasta Mama</strong> shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5352349300184483080#" target="_blank">Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently</a></strong> — Valerie at <strong>Momma in Progress</strong> shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://http//parentingbythelightofthemoon.blogspot.com/2012/02/carnival-of-natural-parenting-parental-disagreements.html" target="_blank">When Other Parents Disagree With You</a></strong> — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka <strong>Witch Mom</strong>, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://dreamingaloudnet.blogspot.com/2012/02/mama-bashing.html" target="_blank">Mama Bashing</a></strong> — Lucy at <strong>Dreaming Aloud</strong> reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.fineandfairblog.com/2012/02/accentuate-positive.html" target="_blank">Accentuate the Positive</a></strong> — Joella at <strong>Fine and Fair</strong> shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.mummedia.net/2012/02/the-politics-of-mothers-%E2%80%93-keys-to-respectful-interactions-with-other-parents/%20?" target="_blank">The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents</a></strong> — Tara from <strong>MUMmedia</strong> offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother's groups, etc.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5352349300184483080#" target="_blank">Trying to build our village</a></strong> — Sheila at <strong>A Gift Universe</strong> tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://theartfulmama.com/2012/02/internet-etiquette-mommy-wars/" target="_blank">Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars</a></strong> — Shannon at <strong>The Artful Mama</strong> discusses how she handles heated topics in the "Mommy-space" online.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.parentinggodschildren.blogspot.com/2012/02/parenting-with-convictions" target="_blank">Parenting with Convictions</a></strong> — Sarah at <strong>Parenting God's Children</strong> encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.imafulltimemummy.com/post/2012/02/14/How-To-Be-Respectful-Despite-Disagreeing-On-Parenting-Styles.aspx" target="_blank">How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles...</a></strong> — Jenny at <strong>I'm a Full-Time Mummy</strong> shares her two cents' worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.mommajorje.com/2012/02/public-relations.html" target="_blank">Public Relations</a></strong> — <strong>Momma Jorje</strong> touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://theotherbabybook.wordpress.com/2012/02/03/navigating-parenting-politics/" target="_blank">Navigating Parenting Politics </a></strong> — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at <strong>The Other Baby Book</strong> shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.hobomama.com/2012/02/february-carnival-of-natural-parenting.html" target="_blank">Hiding in my grace cave</a></strong> — Lauren at <strong>Hobo Mama</strong> wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5352349300184483080#" target="_blank">Carnival of Natural Parenting - Respectful Interactions with Other Parents</a></strong> — Wolfmother at <strong>Fabulous Mama Chronicles</strong> explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://http//zen-mummy.blogspot.com/2012/02/empathy-and-respect.html" target="_blank">Empathy and respect</a></strong> — Helen at <strong>zen mummy</strong> tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://little-willa-lamb.blogspot.com/2012/02/not-holier-than-thou" target="_blank">Not Holier Than Thou</a></strong> — Amyables at <strong>Toddler in Tow</strong> muses about how she's learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://highneedsattachment.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/nonviolent-communication-and-unconditional-love/" target="_blank">Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love</a></strong> — Wendylori at <strong>High Needs Attachment</strong> reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/02/respectful-parenting-as-way-of-life" target="_blank">Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life</a></strong> — Sylvia at <strong>MaMammalia</strong> writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://cityhomeschooling.blogspot.com/2012/02/homeschooling-why-not.html" target="_blank">Homeschooling: Why Not?</a></strong> — Kerry at <strong>City Kids Homeschooling</strong> shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://livingmontessorinow.com/2012/02/14/if-you-cant-say-something-nice/" target="_blank">If You Can’t Say Something Nice…</a></strong> — Deb Chitwood at <strong>Living Montessori Now</strong> tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/pMVLj-1aj" target="_blank">Different Rules for Different Families</a></strong> — Mandy at <strong>Living Peacefully with Children</strong> discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.diaryofafirstchild.com/2012/02/14/respectful-interaction-with-other-parents/" target="_blank">Respectful Interaction With Other Parents</a></strong> — Luschka at <strong>Diary of a First Child</strong> shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://katewicker.com/2012/02/parenting-as-a-mirror.html" target="_blank">Parenting as a mirror</a></strong> — Rather than discrediting others' parenting styles, <strong>Kate Wicker</strong> discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5352349300184483080#" target="_blank">The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best</a></strong> — Christine at <strong>African Babies Don't Cry</strong> finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://mudpiemama.brillweb.net/2012/02/5-ways-to-eliminate-judgebe-judged-metality" target="_blank">Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality</a></strong> — <strong>MudpieMama</strong> reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.updownandnatural.com/2012/02/speaking-up-for-those-who-cant-.html" target="_blank">Speaking Up For Those Who Can't</a></strong> — We've all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you're stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think "Gosh, I wish I said…" This post by Arpita at <strong>Up Down, And Natural</strong> is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought "Gosh, I wish I said…" </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.tmuffin.com/2012/02/thank-you-for-your-opinion.html" target="_blank">Thank you for your opinion</a></strong> — Gaby at <strong>Tmuffin</strong> shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://milliontinythings.blogspot.com/2012/02/mending.html" target="_blank">Mending</a></strong> — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at <strong>Million Tiny Things</strong> is needed.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.becomingcrunchy.com/2012/02/the-thing-you-dont-know/" target="_blank">The Thing You Don't Know</a></strong> — Kelly at <strong>Becoming Crunchy</strong> talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.ithoughtiknewmama.com/2012/02/respectful-interaction/" target="_blank">3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them</a></strong> — Charise at <strong>I Thought I Knew Mama</strong> shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://pandamoly.blogspot.com/2012/02/peacefully-keeping-my-cool-quotes-from-ana.html" target="_blank">Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana</a></strong> — How do you keep your cool? Ana from<strong> Pandamoly</strong> shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://lovenotesmama.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/kind-matters/" target="_blank">Kind Matters</a></strong> — Carrie at <strong>Love Notes Mama</strong> discusses how she strives to be the type of person she'd want to meet.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://onelovelivity.com/childofnatureblog/%20doing-it-my-way-but-respecting-your-highway/" target="_blank">Doing it my way but respecting your highway.</a></strong> — Terri from <strong>Child of the Nature Isle</strong> is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5352349300184483080#" target="_blank">Saying "I'm Right and You're Wrong" Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause...</a></strong> — Kat at <strong>Loving {Almost} Every Moment</strong> writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://theresapickleinmylife.blogspot.com/2012/02/have-another-kid-and-you-wont-care.html" target="_blank">Have another kid and you won't care</a></strong> — Cassie of <strong> There's a Pickle in My Life</strong>, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://codenamemama.com/2012/02/14/feb-2012-carnatpar/" target="_blank">Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree</a></strong> — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at <strong>Code Name: Mama</strong> shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://touchstonez.com/2012/02/14/a-little-light-conversation/" target="_blank">A Little Light Conversation</a></strong> — Zoie at <strong>TouchstoneZ</strong> explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.puginthekitchen.com/?p=443" target="_blank">Why I used to hide the formula box</a></strong> — Laura at <strong>Pug in the Kitchen</strong> finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/p1sxMC-Ke" target="_blank">Assumptions</a></strong> — Nada at <strong>minimomist</strong> discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://monkeybuttjunction.com/?p=1715" target="_blank">Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson</a></strong> — Jenn at <strong>Monkey Butt Junction</strong> knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://boobietime.blogspot.com/2012/02/respectfully-interacting-with-others.html" target="_blank">Respectfully Interacting with Others Online</a></strong> — Lani at <strong>Boobie Time Blog</strong> discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.crunchyconservativemommy.blogspot.com/2012/02/Presumption-of-Good-Will" target="_blank">Presumption of Good Will</a></strong> — Why — and how — <strong>Crunchy Con Mommy</strong> is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/p5RtM-1NF" target="_blank">Being Gracious with Parenting Advice</a></strong> — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at <strong>My World Edenwild</strong>.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.anktangle.com/2012/02/explain-smile-escape.html" target="_blank">Explain, Smile, Escape</a></strong> — Don't know what to do when you're confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at <strong>Anktangle</strong> shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2012/02/tightrope-generations-cultures-and.html" target="_blank">Balancing Cultures and Choices</a></strong> — <strong>Dulce de leche</strong> discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://hannahandhorn.blogspot.com/2012/02/%20Linky%E2%80%93Parenting-Peacefully-with-Soci" target="_blank">Linky - Parenting Peacefully with Social Media</a></strong> — <strong>Hannabert's Mom</strong> discusses parenting in a social media world.</li>
</ul><div class="clear"></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-28699441634933420792012-02-10T14:05:00.000-08:002013-02-26T21:24:32.722-08:00Say What You Mean and Ask For What You Want<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">In this series of posts, I explore my personal challenges with each of the principles of unconditional parenting. These personal accounts run in parallel with a series of information-based posts where I explain each of the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. Want to start from the beginning? Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> and for links to all posts in the series.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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When my son and I do laundry together, he likes to help push the laundry cart. He also likes to climb up on the rack under the laundry bags, a rack made of rather flimsy metal. The cart isn't strong enough to support a bouncing two-year old so his climbing feat isn't all that cool. I've asked him not to stand on the cart many times, but the temptation still arises, especially if I'm busy folding clothes.</div>
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I could forcefully order him <i>No, don't do that</i>. I could weakly imply that "<i>We" don't climb on that.</i> But neither of those requesting tactics work because neither is rooted in respect. Using forceful words is controlling and creates a power struggle (do you like to be talked to that way?). On the other hand, being indirect muddles the message so the child doesn't know what you really want. The popular "we don't" isn't a request, it's an untrue statement (note that he's <i>already</i> climbing).</div>
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I could also take the middle ground by being both compassionate and assertive: <i>Please don't climb on that.</i> Usually, that's the general approach I take, along with a number of other gentle strategies I've written about (check them out: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/05/8-gentle-strategies-to-foster-toddler.html">Toddler Compliance</a>, <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/07/10-loving-ways-to-handle-toddler.html">Toddler Defiance</a>, and <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/07/speaking-respectfully-to-toddler-easy.html">Speaking Respectfully to a Toddler</a>).</div>
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Recently, and with some inspiration from nonviolent communication, I've started phrasing my requests in terms of what I want and need. It's a subtle change in words, but the results are rather dramatic. I feel empowered when I ask my son to do or not do something because I express my desires honestly. And I think <i>he</i> feels empowered because the approach is so honest. Instead of making a demand from dominant figure to submissive figure, I respectfully state my request, from human to human:</div>
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"Munchkin, I don't want you to climb on the laundry cart. Do you see the how the metal bends when you climb up there? I'm afraid the cart will break and I would be very sad if it broke. Will you please get down from there?"</div>
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He did, in fact, get down without a fuss. Did I mention he's two years old? Yeah, <i>wow</i>.</div>
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The same strategy works for getting him to do something he doesn't want to, like put on his diaper before bedtime:</div>
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"I don't like it when you say 'no' and run away," I said this with genuine sadness in my voice while looking him in the eye. "I want you to come over here and put on your diaper. I like it when you help me put on your diaper. I like it when you cooperate and we do it together. I like to be close to you because then we can play together, too." </div>
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He responded by coming over to me. He sat down on top of the diaper and we played one of our little games while I fastened the diaper.</div>
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I think part of the trick is in the "I statement:" </div>
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I want you to...</div>
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I don't want you to....</div>
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I don't like it when....</div>
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I like it when...</div>
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*I feel scared when....</div>
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*I feel angry when...</div>
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*I feel happy when....</div>
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Switching requests from pronoun-free directives to "I statements" is a liberating shift. I feel calmer and freer, regardless of outcome. I'm not going to argue that it works every time, but it certainly does most of the time. It also works a whole lot better if the parent-child relationship is in good condition because it underscores the mutual respect in the relationship. If I get into power struggle mode or am too afraid to be forthright with my requests, I lose my son's trust and respect. Then he's not likely to do anything I ask, no matter how I request it. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'll talk more about the importance of the parent-child relationship later in this series. Next time, we'll begin to explore the topic by considering long-term goals. For now, I'll just keep practicing this new way of asking for what I really want.</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i>*Use of feeling words can be tricky. Check out the comment below from Issa and my response to it for a discussion of the concerns in using feelings when making requests.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px;"><b><i>How do you ask for what you want from your kids? Have you noticed when it's more or less likely to work?</i></b></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-37657556609831885272012-02-02T21:01:00.000-08:002013-02-26T21:22:20.767-08:00Reconsider Your Requests (Unconditional Parenting Principle #2)<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">In this series of posts, I summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my own mothering. Want to start from the beginning? </span></i><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> and links to all posts in the series.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"...any time it’s our objective to get another person to behave in a certain way, people are likely to resist no matter what it is we’re asking for. This seems to be true whether the other person is 2 or 92 years of age." - Marshall Rosenberg, in <i>Raising Children Compassionately</i></span></div>
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A basic precept in unconditional parenting is to give up trying to control children and instead focus on working with them to meet mutual goals. Alfie Kohn calls this a "working with" as opposed to a "doing to" style of parenting. A prime example of how we can begin to work with our children comes from <b>the second principle of unconditional parenting:</b> <b>reconsider your requests. </b></div>
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Unfortunately, the "working with" idea isn't a very common approach to making requests of children. Advice about how to get your kid to do this or that includes strategies that vary from forceful to gentle, but most rest on the untested assumption that the parents' request is inherently valid. The underlying message is that parental authority justifies whatever it is we are asking. From this perspective, solutions to parent-child problems must lie in finding ways to change (read: control and manipulate) children's behavior. Not surprisingly, this parenting mindset leads to a battle of wills, a battle in which parents continually try new and different tactics to get their kids to pick that up, do chores, and not do drugs.</div>
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In contrast, the unconditional parenting approach asks us to change <i>ourselves</i>. When conflicts arise, <b>we need to consider if the real problem might actually be that we're making unreasonable requests</b>. Is the request an honest reflection of a need? Or is it just our preference or a way to fulfill the need for control? <i>Why</i> should the child comply? Is the request age appropriate? Are we asking for something that <i>we</i> want for our children without checking to see if it's what <i>they</i> want? Is it <i>really</i> that important? What's the worst that could happen if we let it slide, honestly?</div>
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Certainly, there are plenty of things we ask of our kids that are reasonable and necessary. What those are will differ from family to family. Still, if we are to gain the respect and compliance of our kids, we will have a lot better luck if we start by <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-reflective-unconditional-parenting.html">being reflective</a> about our requests.</div>
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<b>It also helps to be flexible</b>. Traditional parenting advice will tell us to "be consistent" and not "give in" when our child won't fulfill our demands (for an example of some really atrocious, anti-unconditional parenting advice, see <a href="http://childparenting.about.com/od/discipline/a/gaincompliance.htm">this article</a>). However, if you have a "working with" attitude, an adamant refusal from your child might be a clue that there's a problem with your request. If so, it's OK to change your mind once you're reconsidered (more on this topic later when we visit the unconditional parenting principle on not being rigid). This won't thwart authority. Rather, it will show your child that you're human, fallible, compassionate and fair enough to make the right decision after you've made a mistake. Genuine respect goes a lot further than fear.</div>
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<b>Another critical aspect of making requests to our children comes from the way in which we ask</b>. If we are stuck in the mindset that only the parents' needs or desires matter ("because I'm the mom and I said so!"), we are bound to encounter conflict with children. Then we are back to controlling rather than working with. </div>
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Fortunately, <a href="http://www.cnvc.org/">Nonviolent Communication</a> (NVC) offers a powerful, effective, and incredibly compassionate way to ask for what we need, from children or anyone else. With NVC, the focus in on how to satisfy the needs of both parties. <b>Requests are met because of trust, compassion, and respect that flows between parent and child</b>. Consider the difference between "Your room is such a mess! I told you to clean it. Do it now or I'll..." versus "I see that you haven't cleaned your room and I feel very frustrated. I really need some help in keeping the house tidy. Will you please pick up your room?"</div>
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The flip side is that occasionally the child will not be able to fulfill that request because she has her own needs. But just think, does your spouse or friend <i>always</i> do what you ask? Would you punish them if they didn't, especially if the reason was valid? If we truly respect our children as human beings, we should extend them the same courtesy. <b>We should be willing to live with them not always doing what we ask.</b> We can let go of the power struggle and instead think in terms of mutual respect. The upshot is that refusals will happen less often because a person who feels respected instead of controlled is a lot more willing to comply in the first place.</div>
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So imagine... your child cleaning up her room, brushing her teeth, or doing her chores because she trusts your decisions and respects your need for cleanliness -- not because she doesn't want to get grounded. Imagine asking only for things that really matter. Imagine rethinking your request if you don't get what you ask for. Then imagine that you can sometimes accept her <i>not</i> doing what you ask because she has her own needs and you care about them. Imagine the conversation that takes place each time, without struggle, blame, criticism, or threats. <i>That's </i>unconditional parenting.</div>
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<b><u>For further reading<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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<b>Nonviolent Communication:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<a href="http://www.cnvc.org/Raising-Children-Compassionately">Examples of using NVC with children</a>, based on an excerpt from Rosenberg's <i>Raising Children Compassionately<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<a href="http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/parenting.htm">Tools, resources, and a weekly parenting tip series</a>, based on NVC</div>
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<b>Making requests to children under five (from yours truly):<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/05/8-gentle-strategies-to-foster-toddler.html">8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance</a></div>
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<a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/07/10-loving-ways-to-handle-toddler.html">10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance</a></div>
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<a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/07/speaking-respectfully-to-toddler-easy.html">Speaking Respectfully to a Toddler: Easy Phrases for Big Effects</a></div>
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<b>Listening and Asking:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<a href="http://www.simplicityparenting.com/2010/12/simplicity-approach-to-teaching-children-to-listen/">Teaching Children to Listen</a>, from Simplicity Parenting</div>
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<a href="http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/25-ways-talk-so-children-will-listen">25 Ways to Talk so Children Will Listen</a>, from Dr. Sears</div>
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<a href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2011/08/five-reasons-and-15-excuses-to-not-make-clear-requests/">Making Requests - 5 Reasons We Avoid Them (and 15 excuses)</a>, from Psych Central</div>
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<a href="http://www.motherinc.com.au/magazine/kids/kids-education/519-communicating-with-kids">How Can I Get My Kids to Listen to Me</a>, from motherInc.</div>
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<b><i>Any other thoughts about making requests to kids? Please share your ideas or ask anything!</i></b></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-2019138479727465982012-01-28T12:57:00.000-08:002013-02-19T12:10:03.591-08:00Uncovering Sources of Angry Reactions: Using Reflection and Unconditional Parenting for Lasting Change<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: right; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Anger_Symbol.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="English: A metaphorical visualization of the w..." border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="227" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a5/Anger_Symbol.jpg/300px-Anger_Symbol.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 300px;">English: A metaphorical visualization of the word Anger. (Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Anger_Symbol.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>)</td></tr>
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<i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">In this series of posts, I explore my personal challenges with each of the principles of unconditional parenting. These personal accounts run in parallel with a series of information-based posts where I explain each of the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. Want to start from the beginning? Click </span></i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html"><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</span></i></a><i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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As I mentioned in my <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-reflective-unconditional-parenting.html">previous post on being reflective</a>, part of the challenge in unconditional parenting is to examine the roots of our own parenting practices. This can be an especially daunting and scary endeavor for those of us who were raised in dysfunctional homes. Even for people raised in healthy, supportive environments, taking a hard look in the mirror isn't always easy. As Alfie Kohn puts it, "raising kids is not for wimps."</div>
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Despite the difficulty of parenting unconditionally, I'm committed to this gentle, compassionate approach. I'm driven to provide more emotional support for my son than I ever received. To do so, I have embraced reflection as a way of life. Without reflection, I risk falling victim to my own bad habits, habits I learned from a family with different values than my own. For the most part, I'm pleased with my parenting choices. But there are plenty of situations in which I still need to build my emotional intelligence, where I want to be more responsive than reactive.</div>
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Like those loooong, seemingly unending stretches of intense neediness that my toddler goes through. You know... during illness, second molars doing plate tectonics under the gums, a shift in the routine, or some other random infraction upon the fragile toddler world. And with it, the whining, the crying, the clinging, and the asking for something 17 times, even if I've already replied with a yes. Hoo boy, do those days test me! </div>
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Most of the time, I handle these situations without getting too rattled. When I'm rested, well-fed, exercised, have had ample personal time, and life hasn't thrown me any recent hiccups, I cope fine with Munchkin's needy fits. But life isn't always that smooth so neither am I. On hard days, I carry my own emotional baggage that adds fuel to any present day fire. On those days, that whining and crying really just make me want to SCREAM. I'm ashamed to admit it, but on occasion I have. If I'm not paying attention, my whole body gets tense and the only emotion I can connect with is anger. </div>
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Anger? Yes, <i>anger</i>, the master cover-up of all emotions. It protects us from feeling despair, loss, hopelessness, anguish, weakness and fear. And that must be what I'm feeling underneath the extreme irritation. Because the <i>real</i> me - the person I am today, the mother I am when I'm my best - feels only compassion and concern when I hear my child cry. No matter what's going on in my life. <i><o:p></o:p></i></div>
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Typically, when I get overwhelmed by Munchkin's needs my strategy is to take a break. I go to my chair and breathe. I remind myself that it's not his fault he's upset, he's not trying to annoy me, and that I'm just having an emotional reaction of my own. I watch myself feel angry, I hear my racing heart, and I listen intently to my breath until it slows down. I re-center. Then I get up, return to my son, and thank him for giving me a moment. I apologize if I have been harsh before taking my break. We hug and he seems to forgive me and understand. Then I tend to his needs. </div>
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But what about MY needs?!!! The fact that I have to keep repeating this process indicates that I have some unmet needs of my own. The feelings I'm having aren't <i>just</i> from dealing with a needy toddler. Yes, toddlers can be incredibly aggravating, but the anger-covering-other-feelings comes from <i>me</i>, not a two year-old. It's deeper.</div>
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If I'm brave enough to consider <i>why</i> I feel angry during my son's needy fits, I have a chance of stopping the cycle. I have a chance to heal my hurt feelings, forgive transgressions, and let go of the anger. Then, I can tend to my son the way I normally do, the way I do when I'm not burdened with feelings outside of here and now. Because what I want is to provide consistent support for him, not just when I'm my best self. I want to let go of that tension that takes over so <b><i>I</i></b> can take over the situation with compassion and grace. Even on hard days.</div>
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So I've started to reflect on the source of this parenting practice, or rather, parenting <i>reaction</i>. Where are these crazy feelings coming from? Why do I sometimes have this intense emotional reaction to something that is really just plain irritating?</div>
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Certainly part of it is that I can take better care of myself. Get more rest. Eat before my blood sugar starts running low. Stick to my regular exercise routine. Nurture my interests and passions outside of motherhood. Make time for myself. Focus on being mindful. OK, sure, fine, I'll work on doing all that more consistently. Yet it still feels like that's just the surface layer, the maintenance layer. I still need to peel back the outer coating and get down to the pit. I need to reflect upon myself as a child in order to access the source of this angry feeling.</div>
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One clue comes from a memory I have when I was about four years-old. I was in the bath and I was very upset. Something terrible had just happened to me because I was in physical and emotional pain. My mother was washing me off, hissing viciously at me to shut up and stop crying. She was angry at me, seemingly because I was crying, in pain, and in distress.</div>
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This memory sits vaguely in the back of my mind when I hear Munchkin's persistent shrieks. Usually, I can push it away, back down to the caverns where I was taught to keep it. Yet on days when my emotional threshold is low, the memory seeps up through the cracks. It leaks into my muscles and invades my body. The pained fury holds me tightly in its merciless hand.</div>
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But the anger is not mine. I just internalized it when I was four because... well, that's how four year-olds cope. I took that anger as my own even though I didn't create it and didn't deserve it. It's not my anger and it certainly isn't for me to share with my son. I'm quite sure it wasn't even my mother's to begin with.</div>
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So it's time. Time to let go of that anger. Time to give it back. Time to forgive. Time to listen to my own pitiful wails, openly, without criticism or judgment. Time to comfort that sorrow with unconditional love. Time to heal. Time to come back to the present. </div>
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Now, I have a different vision when I arise from my breathing chair. I take one last deep breath. I open my eyes and see Munchkin watching me with concern. I go through the regular spiel (<i>I'm sorry, I'm not upset at you, I feel better now, etc. etc.)</i>. I take him in my arms and imagine pulling the crying little girl out of the bathtub. I wrap her in a huge, warm, oversized, fair-trade, organic bamboo towel (I love the endless possibilities with imagery). I draw her up close and nestle her securely between me and Munchkin. I listen to her screams subside to wimpers as we hold her close. She is cradled safely there, protected from harm, soothed, comforted, loved. When I release Munchkin from my embrace, we smile at each other. </div>
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The little girl smiles, too.</div>
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***</div>
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<b>For ideas on staying mindful, check out: <i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/06/when-stress-interferes-with-mindful.html">When Stress Interferes with Mindful Parenting</a></i></b></div>
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<b><i>Do you have parenting reactions you'd like to change? Does any of this resonate with you? Feel free to leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you!</i></b> <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-78987070791601648672012-01-18T21:36:00.000-08:002013-02-26T20:16:29.290-08:00Be Reflective (Unconditional Parenting Principle #1)<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: right; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Socrates_Louvre.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="Portrait of Socrates. Marble, Roman artwork (1..." border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a4/Socrates_Louvre.jpg/300px-Socrates_Louvre.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 300px;">Photo credit: <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Socrates_Louvre.jpg" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a></td></tr>
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<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">In this series of posts, I summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my own mothering. Want to start from the beginning? Click <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/introduction-to-unconditional-parenting.html">here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"The unexamined life is not worth living" </span>- <i>Socrates, The Apology</i></div>
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Being reflective is a great starting point for unconditional parenting, or any life endeavor for that matter. Out of mindfulness and introspection comes insight, righteousness, and occasionally, wisdom.</div>
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<b>What it means to be reflective<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Being reflective, simply put, means thinking consciously about what you are doing -- or have done. When it comes to parenting, this can be a big challenge. We often have knee-jerk reactions or do things because that's how we were raised or how mainstream society tells us to parent. When practicing unconditional parenting, the trick is to be conscious and reflective about what you are doing and why. </div>
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<b>Be mindful and self aware.</b> Be <i>present</i> when you are with your child. Watch your own thoughts, words, and actions. Speak and act consciously. Notice your tone of voice, your words, your body movements. Avoid judging yourself. Kindly allow yourself to gradually learn mindfulness. It takes practice!</div>
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<b>Critique your own parenting without lingering on harsh criticism or guilt. </b>Consider your strengths and weaknesses. What would you like to do more of? What's working? What do you feel really good about that you do as a parent? On the flip side, what doesn't feel right? Which practices are difficult or not working? When are you less patient, understanding or mindful? When are you more controlling or harsh? Take a good look and decide what you can or are willing to change. But don't berate yourself. The guilt will tell you what you really want to change, but change will happen more easily when you let go of it. Focus on solutions and acceptance.</div>
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<b>Search for the roots of your own parenting practices</b>. Are your parenting behaviors, expectations, and rules in line with who you truly are and what you believe? Or did you pick them up from your own parents or cultural messages, even though they don't necessarily fit into your value system? Do you <i>react</i> to your child(ren) or <i>respond</i>? </div>
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As Dr. Markham from <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/">Aha!Parenting</a> puts it, the buttons that your kids push were installed in your <i>own</i> childhood. Something that sets you off may have no effect on the next mama. Often, your reactions have less to do with your child's 'annoying' behavior and more to do with how you may have been treated as child. Get -- and keep -- in touch with that inner child, help her heal, and give her the parenting she and your child deserve. Then, you can decide which practices you'd like to keep and which you can do without.</div>
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<b>Avoid rationalizing a behavior or practice that feels wrong.</b> If you've done something (or want to do something) that doesn't feel right, notice that unsettling sensation, however unwelcome it is. There may be an urge to rationalize your own behavior in order to justify it or to avoid guilt and deep-seated emotions. Don't. It's OK to make mistakes (really it IS!), but the path to change will evade you if you convince yourself they aren't mistakes. Instead of rationalizing, accept yourself. Let go of the guilt. Love <i>yourself</i> unconditionally. </div>
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<b>"Be honest with yourself and your motives" </b>(<i>Unconditional Parenting</i>, p.121) Being reflective is also a way of being candid. The more you are willing to face yourself and be sincere about your own parenting choices, the easier it will be to honestly express unconditional love to your child.</div>
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For some great ideas and inspiration on becoming more reflective, check out:</div>
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<a href="http://peace4parents.com/">Peace4Parents</a></div>
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<a href="http://reflectiveparenting.org/">Center for Reflective Parenting</a></div>
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<a href="http://touchstonez.com/currentprojects/mindful-mama-carnival-home-page/">Mindful Mama Blog Carnival</a> hosted by <a href="http://touchstonez.com/">TouchstoneZ</a> and <a href="http://www.becomingcrunchy.com/#axzz1iqEQAsUP">Becoming Crunchy</a></div>
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<b><i>What does being reflective mean to you? Are there particular aspects of self-reflection that resonate for you? Go ahead....leave a comment and share your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you! <o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-28401264790799592502012-01-10T19:29:00.002-08:002013-03-11T14:52:25.788-07:00An Introduction to Unconditional Parenting<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container zemanta-img" style="float: right; margin-right: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486%3FSubscriptionId%3D0G81C5DAZ03ZR9WH9X82%26tag%3Dzem-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0743487486" imageanchor="1" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: clear:right;"><img alt="Cover of "Unconditional Parenting: Moving..." border="0" class="zemanta-img-inserted" height="300" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41bO6yXub1L._SL300_.jpg" style="border: none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="192" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption zemanta-img-attribution" style="text-align: center; width: 192px;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486%3FSubscriptionId%3D0G81C5DAZ03ZR9WH9X82%26tag%3Dzem-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0743487486" target="_blank">Cover via Amazon</a></td></tr>
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<i><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">In this series of posts, I summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my own mothering.Scroll to the bottom for links to all posts in the series.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> ***</span></i></div>
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I often refer to my style of parenting using a term coined by <a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php">Alfie Kohn</a>: "Unconditional Parenting." But what exactly <i>is</i> unconditional parenting? What makes it different from any other form of parenting? Most importantly, how do we actually <i>do</i> unconditional parenting in real life? To address these questions, I'd like to begin a series of posts where I investigate the underlying principles of unconditional parenting. Let's get started with a general description.</div>
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Kohn uses the term "unconditional parenting" to make it distinct from the dominant parenting paradigm that tells us to treat our children <i>conditionally</i>: reward the child for behaviors we like, and punish or ignore behaviors we don't like. In contrast, unconditional parenting avoids behavior modification tactics. Instead, the focus is on understanding the child's underlying needs, emotions, and motives. We can circumvent the need to use rewards or punishment at all by addressing a child's state of mind and by validating their feelings. Limits and boundaries are maintained through mutual trust, respect, open communication, and guidance towards self-regulation. The upshot is that children actually <i>feel</i> our unconditional love because they receive our compassion no matter how they act - even though we don't condone certain behaviors. </div>
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However, unconditional parenting is much more than the avoidance of praise and rewards. For me, the practice of unconditional parenting is a quest or process. I view it as a philosophy, a set of guiding principles, and a frame of mind. I don't get this parenting thing right all the time, but I keep coming back to a foundation rooted in unconditional parenting principles. It's an approach that works for me because it feels like I am truly mothering from my heart.</div>
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Kohn argues that it's hard to offer a set of do's and don'ts of unconditional parenting (see p. 117 in <i>Unconditional Parenting</i>). Still, a good starting point for understanding and trying to practice unconditional parenting comes directly from Kohn's book. In it, he describes thirteen "Principles of Unconditional Parenting" (chapter 7) that can be adopted by anyone wanting to practice a gentle, compassionate, and highly effective style of parenting.</div>
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In an upcoming series of posts, I will cover each of these Principles of Unconditional Parenting. I'll summarize them and provide additional resources where appropriate. Since most of the principles are easier said than done (by a long shot!), I'll also include a parallel series where I explore my personal challenges with each. Once I cover the basic principles of unconditional parenting, I'll tackle the more controversial issues of rewards and punishment. </div>
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Please feel free to chime in with comments, questions and insights because this is still very much a learning process for me and many other parents. We all gain strength and knowledge from each other. I truly believe we can heal the world by becoming better at caring for our children, by loving them unconditionally.</div>
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I hope you'll join me on this journey to discover more about unconditional parenting!<br />
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<i>Read Unconditional Parenting Principle #1: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-reflective-unconditional-parenting.html">Be Reflective</a><o:p></o:p></i><br />
<i>Read about <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/01/uncovering-sources-of-angry-reactions.html">Using Reflection to Change Angry Reactions</a></i><br />
<i>Read Unconditional Parenting Principle #2: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/02/reconsider-your-requests-unconditional.html">Reconsider Your Requests</a></i><br />
<i>Read about making requests: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/02/say-what-you-mean-and-ask-for-what-you.html">Say What You Mean and Ask for What You Want</a></i><br />
<i>Read Unconditional Parenting Principle #3: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/02/eye-on-long-term-parenting-goals.html">An Eye on Long-term Parenting Goals</a></i><br />
<i>Read about using long-term goals to find short-term solutions: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/03/leaving-playground.html">Leaving the Playground</a></i><br />
<i>Read about Unconditional Parenting Principle #4</i>: <i><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2013/01/putting-parent-child-relationship-first.html">Putting the Parent-Child Relationship First</a></i><br />
<i>Read about <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2013/02/relationship-repair-through-physical.html">Relationship Repair</a> </i><br />
<i>Read about Unconditional Parenting Principle #5: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2013/02/change-how-you-see-not-just-how-you-act.html">Change How You See, Not Just How You Act</a></i><br />
<i>Read about changing perspective to resolve acting out: <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2013/03/seeing-through-spit-in-my-eyes.html">Seeing Through the Spit in My Eye</a></i><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-48875345537444185732011-12-30T14:42:00.000-08:002011-12-30T14:42:34.872-08:00Taking a breakI really, really hate to do this, <i>but</i>...it seems the wisest and kindest thing to do right now.<br />
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I have some pressing health issues and family matters to tend to (when it rains it pours!) so I'm having a hard time spending quality time with MaMammalia. I'm going to take a short time-out and hopefully be back within a couple of weeks. Don't worry, I have plenty of wonderful ideas in the works for the new year.<br />
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Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't call it a time-out since that has all kinds of punitive, negative connotations attached to it. How about a break? That's better. I'm going to take a little break. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-61017815104106573502011-12-16T15:13:00.000-08:002011-12-16T15:13:06.043-08:00What Gentle Parenting Looks LikeWhen I tell people that I practice gentle parenting, I think they get the impression that this means always being positive, having infinite patience, and never losing one's temper or getting angry. In truth, I see gentle parenting as a practice, and one that takes considerable practice at that.<br />
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Yes, I do strive to always be responsive to my son. I try to maintain a positive outlook, to be supportive, to use gentle guidance instead of punishment, to be patient, and to keep my own emotions in check. But I'm human. And I have my own baggage. And I wasn't raised this way. And I'm not naturally patient or calm. And he's a toddler.<br />
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So sometimes I falter. Sometimes I feel resentful when my own needs go neglected too long. Sometimes I get sick of playing the same game 20 times, of cleaning up messes, of answering the same question over and over again, of repeating myself, of hearing him repeat himself, of whining, crying, and the whole lot. Sometimes I am just too darn tired to deal. While I don't use punishment, I do sometimes yell or say things I don't really mean. Sometimes I look like any other parent of a toddler.<br />
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So how is that "gentle" parenting? I think it's largely a matter of attitude and motivation. I don't condone my own shortcomings, nor do I dwell on feeling guilty about them. I apologize for my behavior to my son when I act in ways I don't want to. Then I make concerted efforts to do things differently, and tell him I am doing so. I reflect on what's driving my own emotions, then take steps to care for myself and heal myself if necessary. Sometimes I repeat my mistakes. So I try again. And again. I just keep trying. Parenting is, after all, a lifelong practice.<br />
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I also have an intense desire to be a better parent today than I was yesterday. I make that commitment every day and I make it a conscious choice. It's a decision that takes high priority in my life, but it is a decision I have to make repeatedly. I can't take it for granted that I'm just parenting along fine all the time. Even when things are going well, I still take time to consider how and why they are good so I can nurture those qualities. Over time, I believe those positive aspects of my parenting will become so habitual that my shortfalls will become less frequent and less intense. I'm growing with my son.<br />
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However, I think maybe the real trick to gentle parenting is being gentle to the parent. What I've found is that when I am patient with myself, I am patient with my son. When I put my basic needs first, I can easily tend to his. When I allow myself to experience and process my own emotions - however ugly or beautiful - I handle my son's emotions with sensitivity and compassion. <br />
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Don't get me wrong, my son's needs do come first. Sometimes his needs are in direct conflict with mine and I have to negotiate how and when to address my own needs. Those are challenging situations that I work on as they arise. Sometimes clarity comes with hindsight, but the point is I'm always looking, always trying to learn, always open. <br />
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More importantly, I am learning to love myself through those stressful circumstances so that I can show him the unconditional love that I feel for him, too. Self-love is a wellspring of unconditional love, the place where I find positivity, undying patience, and emotional well being. It's where I find my guide to gentle parenting.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-89719137616696188672011-12-13T00:01:00.000-08:002011-12-13T21:59:50.829-08:00A Light in the Darkness<strong>Welcome to the December Mindful Mama Carnival: Staying Mindful During the Holiday Season</strong><br />
<em>This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by <a href="http://www.becomingcrunchy.com/" target="_blank">Becoming Crunchy</a> and <a href="http://touchstonez.com/" target="_blank">TouchstoneZ</a>. This month our participants <br />
have shared how they stay mindful during the holiday season. Please read to <br />
the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.</em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Courtesy obsidian.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Winter is usually a dark time for me. I am deeply affected by the shortage of sunlight and my body yearns for hibernation. Blood meant for warmer climes retracts from the chilly surface. I become sluggish. My limbs recoil, aching for sanctuary.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Living in the Northern Hemisphere, my longing to withdraw is further complicated by the holidays. The season brings up a mix of both magical childhood memories and memories still too dark to fully retrieve. Adding to the challenge is my son's birthday and the memories of his difficult entrance into the world. He was born in winter, even though he wasn't due until early spring. Keeping vigil in the NICU that year, I escaped my usual holiday anguish as I faced a new, utterly foreign reality. Coming home was even harder but we got through that, too. My new family survived that first dark winter. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">When I look at my son now, two years later, I wonder how I got so lucky to have this being share the winter with me. I watch him run laughing, rosy-cheeked from the cold. I feel warm. I answer his litany of questions and listen to his endless discourse about the rocks, the barren trees, the dog's hardened poop. I feel elation. My arms unfold, extending outward. My feet move easily. I am awake.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">When incomprehensible emotions creep up, when I feel disgust, distance, and discord over the madness of the holidays, I look at him. I remember his fight. I remember my own. I see the results of hope, commitment, and deep attachment. I see him grow and I see myself transform. I see the now and move beyond the past. I see the holidays as a time of joy, a time to celebrate that <i>we are alive</i> through the dark, cold winter. I see light.</div><p>***</p><p><a href="http://touchstonez.com/currentprojects/mindful-mama-carnival-home-page/" target="_blank" title="Mindful Mama Carnival"><img align="right" alt="Mindful Mama Carnival -- Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ" border="0" class="alignright" src="http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6088/6104475337_2081e669dd_m.jpg" /></a> Visit <a href="http://touchstonez.com/currentprojects/mindful-mama-carnival-home-page/" target="_blank"><strong>The Mindful Mama Homepage</strong></a> to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Carnival!</p><p>On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy <strong>#MindMaCar</strong> hashtag. You can also subscribe to the <a href= "https://twitter.com/#%21/TouchstoneZ/mindmacar">Mindful Mama Twitter List</a> and <a href="http://www.google.ca/reader/view/?hl=en&tab=wy#stream/user%2F08929773466428579444%2Flabel%2FMindfulMamaCarnival">Mindful Mama Participant Feed</a>. <br>Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:</p><br />
<ul><li><strong><a href="http://peace4parents.com/?p=3197" target="_blank">Enjoying Busy Times Moment by Moment</a></strong> Amy at <strong>Peace 4 Parents</strong> offers a handful of simple pointers to make the most of any busy season in your life.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.ecocrazymom.com/mindful-mama" target="_blank">Staying A Mindful Mama During The Holiday Season</a></strong> Terri at <strong>Eco-Crazy Mom</strong> shares her thoughts on being a mindful mama, while keeping your sanity throughout the holiday season..</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://mamalady.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/holiday-parenting-the-gift-of-natural-play/" target="_blank">Holiday Parenting: The Gift of Natural Play</a></strong> Moorea at <strong>MamaLady</strong> shares her holiday plan for mindfully spending time with children in her extended family.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://hybridrastamama.blogspot.com/2011/12/mindful-parenting-resolutions-for-2012.html" target="_blank">The ABC's of Mindful Parenting</a></strong> Jennifer at <strong>Hybrid Rasta Mama</strong> provides a comprehensive list of Mindful Parenting Resultions for 2012. In addition, she briefly reviews her mindful parenting journey for this past year.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://hybridrastamama.blogspot.com/2011/12/1-2-3s-of-mindful-parenting.html" target="_blank">The 123's of Mindful Parenting</a></strong> Jennifer at <strong>Hybrid Rasta Mama</strong> shares part 3 of her Mindful Parenting series (Link will be live tomorrow, Dec 14).</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://touchstonez.com/2011/12/13/mindful-mama-dec-2011/" target="_blank">Mindful Mama Guest Post from Hybrid Rasta Mama</a></strong> Zoie at <strong>TouchstoneZ</strong> is honored to share Part 2 of Jennifer's series on staying Mindful for the Holidays.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://wp.me/p1sxMC-FK" target="_blank">Saying No to Plastic Toys</a></strong> Nada at <strong>minimomist</strong> and her husband Michael, have certain rules when it comes to toys for their daughter Naomi. Here's how they deal with well-meaning gifts that don't quite work for their family.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.angelbabyjazzymama.blogspot.com/2011/12/can-you-love-what-is-at-christmas.html" target="_blank">Can you LOVE WHAT IS at Christmas?</a></strong> with so many expectations and no many people's needs to accomodate, Patti at <strong>Jazzy Mama</strong> has decided to simply accept what can't be changed and love whatever happens.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://mommyingmyway.blogspot.com/2011/12/minimal-temptation-minimal-gifting.html" target="_blank">Minimal Temptation, Minimal Gifting</a></strong> Adrienne at <strong>Mommying My Way</strong> shares how not exposing herself to tempting purchases, as well as having fun family traditions, helps keep her Christmas list under control.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.diaryofafirstchild.com/2011/12/13/choice-and-consequence-in-conscious-mindfulness/" target="_blank">Choice And Consequence In Conscious Mindfulness</a></strong> Luschka at <strong>Diary of a First Child</strong> shares her realisation that consciously monitoring our thoughts have a powerful effect on our lives, regardless of circumstances or influences.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/12/light-in-darkness.html" target="_blank">A Light in the Darkness</a></strong> Sylvia at <strong>MaMammalia</strong> writes about overcoming holiday blues through the miracle of motherhood.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://cityhomeschooling.blogspot.com/2011/12/nature-inspired-christmas-tree.html" target="_blank">Nature-Inspired Christmas Tree</a></strong> Kerry at <strong>City Kids Homeschooling</strong> describes how she and her children discovered the beauty and simplicity of a nature-inspired holiday tree.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://myhealthygreenfamily.blogspot.com/2011/11/giving-gift-of-life.html" target="_blank">Giving The Gift of Life</a></strong> Free Range Mama at <strong>My Healthy Green Family</strong> shares about teaching children how to look beyond the well-wrapped box and learn how to give. .</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://muminsearch.com/2011/12/can-collection-of-moments-be-more-than-whole/" target="_blank">Can a collection of moments be more than the whole?</a></strong> Tat at <strong>Mum in search</strong> asks how do you turn a holiday from hell into a series of beautiful moments?</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://monkeybuttjunction.com/2011/12/13/flying-through-christmas/" target="_blank">Flying Through the Holidays</a></strong> Jenn at <strong>Monkey Butt Junction</strong> discusses how a simple organizational plan has kept her holidays balanced.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.hobomama.com/2011/12/celebrating-advent-week-to-week.html" target="_blank">Celebrating Advent week to week</a></strong> Lauren at <strong>Hobo Mama</strong> finds that counting down weeks instead of days helps children with the long wait.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.ithoughtiknewmama.com/2011/12/5-ways-to-stay-mindful-this-holiday-season" target="_blank">5 Ways to Stay Mindful This Holiday Season</a></strong> Charise at <strong>I Thought I Knew Mama</strong> shares ideas and photos that help her stay mindful throughout the holidays.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://livingpeacefullywithchildren.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/simplifying-the-holidays/" target="_blank">Simplifying the Holidays</a></strong> Mandy at <strong>Living Peacefully with Children</strong> shares how simplifying the holidays has made them more special for her.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://childorganics.blogspot.com/2011/12/mindfully-managing-mania.html" target="_blank">Mindfully Managing the Mania</a></strong> Erica at <strong>ChildOrganics</strong> fights against "the gimmes" and shares strategies for staying balanced during a time of year when it's easy to overindulge. </li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.thevariegatedlife.com/six-ways-to-enjoy-the-holidays-without-losing-your-mindfulness" target="_blank">Six Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Without Losing Your Mindfulness</a></strong> Rachael at <strong>The Variegated Life</strong> shares tips on thinking less, planning less, doing less, and remembering.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.themahoganyway.com/2011/12/gift-of-presence.html" target="_blank">The Gift of Presence</a></strong> Darcel at <strong>The Mahogany Way</strong> explains how important it is to be present for and with her family during the Holidays.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://codenamemama.com/2011/12/13/mindfulness-holidays/" target="_blank">Mindfully meditating on celebrations</a></strong> Dionna at <strong>Code Name: Mama</strong> hosts this guest post from Child of the Nature Isle about desiring meaningful celebrations for the whole year.</li>
<li><strong><a href="http://www.becomingcrunchy.com/2011/12/decmmcarnival/" target="_blank">What Does It Really Mean? Staying Mindful Through the Holiday Season</a></strong> Kelly at <strong>Becoming Crunchy</strong> talks about how she stays in touch with what the holiday season means for her and her family, in spite of all the temptations to do otherwise!</li>
</ul>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-46811487439146385372011-12-08T22:40:00.000-08:002011-12-08T22:40:51.065-08:00Same shirt, different size<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pLN5OYPUOew/TuGs8e4qCpI/AAAAAAAAAGM/mu5QYKlMRak/s1600/t-shirts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pLN5OYPUOew/TuGs8e4qCpI/AAAAAAAAAGM/mu5QYKlMRak/s320/t-shirts.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Courtesy treehugger.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The first thing I noticed was the young boy's shirt: it was exactly the same as one Munchkin has, albeit several sizes bigger. I felt the urge to approach The Mom, to tell her it was one of my favorite shirts, to forge a connection, to have a chuckle over kid stuff.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">The occasion to act on this urge was interrupted by the first strained interaction between The Mom and Her Daughter. The 9 or 10 year-old girl was climbing the jungle gym while The Mom was pushing Her Son in the cool shirt on the swing. The Mom called out that they would be leaving soon. The daughter responded with a gesture and something I couldn't hear, something that The Mom must have heard before.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">"Don't <i>do</i> that. That's disrespectful," The Mom called out in a sing-songy voice. Her Daughter kept climbing. A few minutes later Her Daughter joined them at the swings. I heard another tense exchange of unintelligible words before Her Daughter scuffed off towards the slide play structure.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"> A toddler girl, close to Munchkin's age, was exploring the bottom rungs of the rope ladder up to the large slide. The Daughter moved close and must have put a hand on one of the upper rungs because The Mom immediately burst out with, "Get away from there!" Her Daughter mumbled an objection.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">"You get away from there now! That little girl is using it. She's small and you're big." The toddler's mother was on the other side of the play structure, like me, casually observing the drama unfold. I couldn't tell if she said anything, but it didn't seem to matter to The Mom. The Mom suggested -- no, barked -- that Her Daughter should walk around to climb up from another point. Her Daughter remained sullen near the rope ladder and bleated something else I couldn't hear. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">The Mom left Her Son on the swing and walked towards Her Daughter, wagging that big finger. "I said, you get away from there now. You're big and you need to leave her alone. We always look out for the little guy. <i>Always</i>!"</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Her Daughter ignored The Mom's orders. She stood close to the rope ladder, head down, gently spreading out the wood chips with her foot. The Mom made a beeline for their gear and started packing up, coughing up more admonishments to Her Daughter. She instructed Her Son to get off the swing and get ready to leave. To Her Daughter across the playground, she yelled, "If you don't get away from there, I'm leaving!" Her Daughter did not move.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">The toddler girl moved away from the ladder and went off to explore the swings where her mother sat watching. The Daughter seized the opportunity to climb the ladder now that the whole reason for avoidance was gone. The Mom hissed at her before she laid a hand on the rungs. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">"But Mom, she's gone now..." Her Daughter moaned.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">"I don't care! I told you to get away from there. You <i>made </i>the little girl leave. You <i>made</i> her mommy make her leave!"</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">My jaw dropped. I stopped listening to them. It only took a few minutes more for The Mom to gather Her Daughter and Son to leave the playground. Munchkin and I played quietly in the sand box. I turned to smile at the toddler's mother, rhythmically pushing the little girl on the swing. She smiled back. I heard the wind rustle in the trees and the soft cry of a hawk above.<br />
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<i>Maybe I should have mentioned the shirt, </i>I thought<i>.</i></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-69331867329023550582011-12-01T14:38:00.000-08:002013-01-22T11:24:43.140-08:00A Child-proof Breakfast of Champions<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
One of the hardest things for me to adapt to as a first-time mother of a young child was being interrupted. Constant. Interruptions. While eating, pooping, talking, dressing, brushing teeth, cleaning, and of course, sleeping. </div>
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In nearly two years, I've learned not only to accept the repeated interruptions, but <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/11/cooking-with-high-needs-toddler.html">how to work with them</a>. In addition to finding new ways to cook and do laundry with my toddler, I've found a breakfast of champions that is interruption-proof. By interruption-proof I don't mean I don't get interrupted a hundred times while I'm eating it. I mean that it can withstand countless interruptions and still be enjoyable. Unlike a hot meal, granola, or cold cereal, this breakfast just gets better the longer it sits. <i>Interruption-proof</i>. </div>
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What's that, Munchkin? You spilled milk all over yourself and need a change of clothes? Oh, and you spilled it on all your cars, too? You peed on the floor again? Now you don't like that shirt and want a different one? Did the grapes get squished into the couch? And now you want something else to eat instead? <i>No problem</i>. I'll just take a quick bite then come back later for the rest of my <b>Child-Proof Breakfast of Champions</b>:</div>
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<b><u>Ingredients</u></b></div>
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plain yogurt</div>
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honey (local honey is best if you have allergies)</div>
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fresh fruit (I prefer berries, bananas, or whatever is in season)</div>
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"Grape Nuts" cereal (I use a generic brand but I'm also trying to figure out how to make my own)</div>
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<b><u>Directions<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UKHKKJ2uUSg/TtgAhcQQniI/AAAAAAAAAF0/UDw6v1-T_Uc/s1600/IMG_2185.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UKHKKJ2uUSg/TtgAhcQQniI/AAAAAAAAAF0/UDw6v1-T_Uc/s320/IMG_2185.JPG" height="290" width="320" /></a></div>
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Put the yogurt in your bowl, then top with grape nuts. Drizzle honey over the grape nuts. Mix yogurt, cereal and honey well. Top with fruit. If you like crunchy, eat it up immediately. If you have a rogue child to tend to, go ahead. When you get back, the grape nuts will have softened a bit, but they will still have some good texture.</div>
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In my experience, granola doesn't have the same lasting quality as the gravelly grape nuts. Granola tends to just get soggy and I rarely enjoy it later on. This, breakfast, however, has gotten me through many hectic mornings. It also happens to be delicious, nutritious, and filling. It makes a great snack any time of day and Munchkin likes it, too.</div>
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Lunch, however....</div>
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<b><i>Do you have any quick, easy, interruption-proof meals? Please share!</i><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-48942406014509516542011-11-23T21:45:00.000-08:002011-11-23T21:45:24.834-08:00Thank You, Mama Bloggers<div class="MsoNoSpacing"><i>On this year's day of giving thanks, I am reminded of some thoughts I had awhile back. Now seems like a good time to share them.<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KiZJQt_yZ14/TsyF_HE-6RI/AAAAAAAAAFk/eCalHjhoLdo/s1600/gratitude_harte.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KiZJQt_yZ14/TsyF_HE-6RI/AAAAAAAAAFk/eCalHjhoLdo/s320/gratitude_harte.jpg" width="231" /></a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">When you have a lifestyle that's considered alternative to mainstream culture, it can be hard to find community. Mainstream culture tends to fly in direct opposition to most of what I hold dear, what I find most natural, what I find to be truly human. Consider <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/16/co-sleeping-ad-baby-knife-dangers_n_1097170.html">Milwaukee's recent attack on co-sleeping</a> as but one example.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">When I became a mother and realized my place in the parenting world, I started reading natural parenting blogs, mama blogs, and blogs about natural living. I sought information and insight from like-minded people. So I've been reading all sorts of mama blogs...the big impact ones with a zillion Facebook fans, the little ones who quietly share intimate stories, and many in between. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Since joining this virtual community less than a year ago, I've noticed subtle changes in myself. I have more maternal knowledge and skills. I've grown more comfortable in my mothering. No, not just comfortable, <i>confident</i>. I feel good about my general parenting choices, like I'm on a path that's right for me. Part of it is my own growth, but I think another big part is that I've been reading the mama blogs. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">So here, I'd like to formally say <b>Thank You to the Mama Bloggers</b>:</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Thank you for creating a community of open-mindedness, sharing, and respect. I find connection and support in what I once thought was the least likely place (the internet).</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Thank you for providing so much useful information. I continually learn new things to apply in my daily life.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations. I often learn your lessons vicariously or am reminded of my own shortcomings that need attention.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Thank you for cheering about your successes. I am inspired and motivated, knowing that someone else has a way that might work for me, too.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Thank you for making me laugh, so that I could laugh at myself, too. Some days I really need it!</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Thank you for your poetic prose that touches me as a mother, a world citizen, a woman, and a fellow writer. <br />
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Thank you for honoring motherhood in all its glory and hardship. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><i>Thank you for making me a better mother</i>.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">And, of course...thank you for reading :)</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-85288022985157061362011-11-19T15:46:00.000-08:002011-11-19T15:46:53.537-08:00Airplane Travel With a Toddler<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CvH5GtHLFGU/TsSY6NlbREI/AAAAAAAAAFc/KaN-qTa_57s/s1600/child_and_plane-300x251.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CvH5GtHLFGU/TsSY6NlbREI/AAAAAAAAAFc/KaN-qTa_57s/s1600/child_and_plane-300x251.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Courtesy opinionli.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Traveling by air with a toddler can be entertaining or stressful, but it is unlikely to be uneventful. During the holidays, especially, it's easy for adults to get busy or wrapped up in the season. It's easy for us to forget that air travel is so much more than going from Point A to Point B (not to mention the ecological costs).<br />
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However, if we take the time<b> to slow down, avoid rushing, and allow the toddler to discover this amazing human feat</b>, we are more likely to enjoy a simple, domestic flight -- holiday bustle or not. Being mindful and compassionate may also create an atmosphere of contentment and cooperation for a small traveling companion. Of course, a bit of preparation really helps, too!<br />
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Here are a few ideas for making plane travel with a toddler a positive experience. Many of these you likely do already, but I'm a big fan of checklists because they help me remember those little things...</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Before your trip, talk about flying on airplanes.<o:p></o:p></b></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">As early as a couple of weeks before your trip, start talking about it with your toddler. Then he will know what to expect and it will give you a chance to confront any anxieties ahead of time. It also helps build excitement and honors your child by letting him be involved in trip planning. The day before the trip, remind him of what you will be doing the next day.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Watch videos of planes landing and taking off, both from the inside and outside.<o:p></o:p></b></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Although your toddler has likely seen planes in the air and might even have a toy plane, these are quite different than what traveling by plane actually looks like. I'm not sure if all kids would like this as much as my son did, but this step was a total hit! He <i>loved</i> watching airplane videos. Avoid images of plane crashes. Here are a few links to airplane videos to get you started:</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>Airplanes taking off</i>: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txQMGgjX3_Y">Planes taking off</a> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">Eight minutes of many different planes taking off.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>Airplanes landing</i>: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daiYHOkgYE4">Boeing 787 First Flight landing video at Boeing Field.flv</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">Over 4 minutes long with just one plane, but it's filmed from a great angle where you can see the plane go safely from the sky to the ground.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>Airplanes from the inside</i>: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ioh966JoZLg">Kids on a plane!</a> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">This is a long (16 min) video but it's great because it shows door-to-door travel for a family with four kids. It includes loading the car with suitcases, riding to the airport, going through security, walking through the airport, boarding the plane, take-off and landing...all with kids! </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Talk about your destination. </b>Who are you going to visit? Where will you stay? What kinds of activities are you likely to do there? YouTube is a good resource for examples (e.g. kids playing on the beach, kids skiing, etc.). We used Skype to introduce our son to friends who hosted our family. When he met them in person the first time, he was already somewhat familiar with them. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Pack ahead of time. </b> Pick out what clothes to take ahead of time to avoid doing last-minute laundry. Be sure to include travel clothes, keeping in mind the different climates of home, destination, and airplane. Also set aside (read, <i>hide</i>) any toys you want to bring on the plane. Even if you can't get all of this packed into your bags, just having them selected and set aside will prevent a lot of stress and conflicts when you do pack. I'm usually a last-minute packer, but I managed to pick out what I needed a whole week before our last trip and I was so glad I did!</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Pack your carry-on thoughtfully.</b> When choosing toys or books to bring, consider your toddler's interests, energy level, and <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/09/book-review-emotional-life-of-toddler.html">temperament</a>. For us, having familiar items mattered far more than any new one we brought. Extra clothes for temperature fluctuations or messes can also help keep your toddler comfortable. A blanket, scarf, or pillow from home can help create comfort and privacy for nursing or napping during the flight.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Bring a good supply of snacks, food and drinks. </b>A hungry toddler is a cranky toddler. Unless you plan to rely on airline food and airport snacks, prepare and bring your own. Remember that these will have to last the entire door-to-door trip, i.e. from the time you leave your house until you arrive at your lodging. That can turn a 5 hour plane ride into a whole day's worth of meals. Note that milk in bottles is allowed to pass through security, but water is not (brilliant, right?). </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
<b>Consider using noise-reduction headphones at the airport or on the plane. </b>If your toddler is easily overstimulated, these are a great "toy" to bring along. You don't need to buy the expensive ones, either. For a sensitive individual, background noise can agitate the nerves and interfere with focus and concentration. In toddlers, this over-stimulation can lead to extreme fussiness. This is easily relieved by donning a noise-reduction headset...even if it doesn't fit quite right.<br />
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<b>On travel days, let go of schedules.</b> Focus on your toddler's cues for hunger or fatigue rather than looking at the clock.This makes even more sense if you're changing time zones. A new environment can throw off even the most regular toddler biorhythms.<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Allow plenty of time at the airport before boarding the plane. </b>Avoid the need to rush your toddler by showing up early at the airport -- at least earlier than you ordinarily would. Having time to explore the new environment will also make it more fun. Airports with long open walkways and chairs to climb provide plenty of ways for a high energy toddler to burn off energy before you cram onto a plane. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Get your toddler involved when passing through security.</b> Show your toddler where all the bags come out on the other side of the tunnel, aka X-ray machine. Avoid taking away that beloved plush toy (or other belonging) amidst strangers and commotion because it can be unnecessarily distressing. Instead, let him copy you by placing it on the conveyor belt himself. Security should allow you to hold his hand and walk through the metal detector together. If not, make it a fun game for him to follow you through. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Bring a baby carrier for getting around the airport. </b> When you need to move quickly or safely, it's a whole lot easier to wear your toddler. Small carriers, like the Ergo or a sling, won't be counted as carry-on baggage. A larger carrier, such as a <a href="http://www.kelty.com/p-281-fc-30.aspx">Kelty backpack carrier</a>, may count as carry-on (check with your airline), but you can ask the flight attendants to stow it for you (typically you just leave it at the end of the jet bridge).</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Car seats and strollers. </b>Be sure to check with your airline ahead of time. You should be able to check a car seat for no extra charge. It will be loaded on the plane separately from the luggage with large and bulky items, so you don't have to worry about damage. Some airports and airlines supply a plastic bag for the car seat, others do not. Strollers can be taken all the way to the jet bridge where the flight attendants will help stow it for you. Again, be sure to check with your airline for restrictions. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Board the airplane early.</b> When they call for passengers who need extra time to board, or those flying with infants, go! We passed on this opportunity once and will not do it again. It's much easier to allow a toddler time to walk through the jet bridge, time to walk through the aisles, and time to investigate the back of the seat when a person isn't actually seated there. Plus, you'll have your pick of where to stash your carry-ons.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>You are free to move about the cabin.</b> Like the airport, the plane itself has some toddler-friendly activities...strolling down the aisles, saying hello to the flight attendants and other children on board, checking out the tiny bathroom. Keep in mind that a captivated, exploring toddler is far less annoying to other passengers than one having a tantrum! For tips on gaining toddler cooperation, check out <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/05/8-gentle-strategies-to-foster-toddler.html">this post</a> and <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/07/10-loving-ways-to-handle-toddler.html">this one, too</a>.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><b>Have fun. </b>Traveling by plane with a toddler can be an incredibly exciting adventure, especially for first-timers. Enjoy this truly amazing (albeit environmentally costly) experience together...it's part of your vacation!</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Do you have any helpful hints for traveling with a toddler? I'd love to hear your experiences!<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-54314855238247046802011-11-16T21:08:00.000-08:002011-11-16T21:08:58.351-08:00Kreativ Blogger Award (or, 7 Things About Me)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OvKCCmasQaI/TsSWY8tCMhI/AAAAAAAAAFU/9irTS7hVSk8/s1600/Kreative_Blogger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OvKCCmasQaI/TsSWY8tCMhI/AAAAAAAAAFU/9irTS7hVSk8/s1600/Kreative_Blogger.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">I recently received my first blogger "award", The Kreativ Blogger award. This blogger-love-sharing award was passed on to me by Jennifer at <a href="http://hybridrastamama.blogspot.com/">Hybrid Rasta Mama</a> (thanks!). The rules for accepting the award state that I must:</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><!--[endif]-->Share seven things about myself</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><!--[endif]-->Pass on the award to ten deserving bloggers</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">So, here are a few things about me:</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]-->1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><!--[endif]-->I'm short. Like, as in 5 feet tall, <i>short</i>. I also love being small because I can still fit on some kids equipment. Fun!</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]-->2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><!--[endif]-->I appreciate a dark sense of humor. I love parody, satire, and sarcasm. Unfortunately, these are totally inappropriate when gentle parenting a young child so you will rarely see this side of me on my blog.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]-->3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><!--[endif]-->I also love toilet humor. I think farts are hilarious, not because they are "forbidden" but because the sound of a fart is inherently hilarious (pfffft!prrrrp!bllp!). Fortunately, this type of humor is totally appropriate for gentle parenting so it may slip in from time to time. I hope my readers are not too offended.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]-->4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><!--[endif]-->In my early 20's, I believed that Bob Marley was my soul mate -- we were just born too many years apart. I still love reggae and value his lyrical messages about love and simple living, but my husband has my heart.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]-->5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><!--[endif]-->My mother and I are both non-native English speakers. Actually, I was bilingual when I first started talking but English has been my primary language most of my life.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]-->6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><!--[endif]-->Before the age of 22, I had circumnavigated the planet twice. I paid for it entirely by myself, mostly with crappy, minimum wage jobs. Choosing to travel rather than go to college right away was one of the best decisions I have ever made.</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]-->7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><!--[endif]-->Although I have a master's degree in evolutionary biology (also self-funded by scholarships, work, and loans), I have been a "jack-of-all-trades, master of none". I have been a bread slicer in a bakery, an <i>au pair</i>, a shiatsu masseuse, a deck hand, a scuba diver, a cancer researcher, a teacher, a bird surveyor, and many other professions, both exciting and dull. Being a full-time mother has <s>allowed</s> compelled me to change and grow in ways that no adventure ever has before. I am perpetually grateful to have this amazing "job."</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Now for the second part of the award: who to pass the award on to next. </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">There are many blogs that I love and follow. Some have already received this award so I've purposely left them out to give others a chance to participate (if any on my list have already participated, I apologize). At the risk of creating an annoying chain-letter type of phenomenon, I didn't include every blog on my reader, although they are certainly all "deserving"! Alas, here are the 10 bloggers to whom I pass on the Kreativ Blogger Award:</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://www.sausagemama.com/blog/">Sausage Mama and The Sausagettes</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://www.ahthepossibilities.com/">Ah, the possibilities!</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://www.kellynaturally.com/">Kelly Naturally</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://codenamemama.com/">Code Name: Mama</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://fabulousmamachronicles.blogspot.com/">Fabulous Mama Chronicles</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://smilinglikesunshine1.blogspot.com/">Smiling Like Sunshine</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://littlegreenblog.com/">Little Green Blog</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://rowdykittens.com/">Rowdy Kittens</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/">Janet Lansbury</a></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><a href="http://www.phdinparenting.com/">PhD in Parenting</a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-65455072245493060382011-11-10T00:01:00.000-08:002013-01-22T11:18:23.134-08:00Washing Hair with Baking Soda and Vinegar: An Update<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
About 2 months ago, I decided to go <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_poo">no poo</a> and switched from my regular shampoo and conditioner to washing my hair with baking soda and vinegar (for simple instructions, <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/09/how-to-wash-hair-with-baking-soda-and.html">read this</a>). I was skeptical, but willing to give it an honest shot. I played around with different quantities and procedures and have finally settled into a pattern I like. Here's a synopsis of how the switch has gone for me so far:</div>
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I started out by using about 1/2 cup baking soda in 2 or 3 cups water. I went for this option because I have full, long hair. I poured the solution on to my scalp, scrubbed as I would regular shampoo, then rinsed it clean. I followed it up by spraying on a 50% distilled vinegar-water solution, then rinsing it out well. </div>
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The first few washings like this were fabulous. Then my hair went through a serious funk phase where it felt coarse and not really clean. I still had to wash it every other day, contrary to what I expected. This lasted about 2 weeks, after which my hair seemed to get progressively <i>worse</i>. Icky. I almost gave up and went back to regular shampoo, but I remembered that <b>it takes a <u>minimum</u> of two weeks for hair to change pH and adapt to the no poo regime.</b> </div>
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So I tinkered around with the ingredients. I thought maybe my hair was greasier than I believed, so I increased the baking soda concentration by making a paste instead of a liquid solution. I tried eliminating the vinegar step. Super ick!! My hair felt crunchy and I could hardly comb through it. Gross.</div>
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I also tried spraying my hair with vinegar first and then washing it with the baking soda. That was only nominally better so I went back to my original plan but I cut back the baking soda and used more vinegar since my hair felt so dry.</div>
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<b>After about 6 weeks (!!!) of using baking soda and vinegar, my hair magically transformed.</b> The change from icky to beautiful hair happened quite suddenly. I was relieved because, like I said, I almost gave up a few times. Maybe my hair took that long to adjust or maybe I finally hit the right concoction. Or both.</div>
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This is how I currently wash my hair:</div>
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I now use about 1/4 cup baking soda dissolved in ~1.5-2 cups water. I put the baking soda in an empty 16 oz bottle of <a href="http://www.drbronner.com/DBMS/OLPE16/PeppermintLiquidSoap.htm">Dr. Bronner's</a> (a funnel is very useful for this part) and take it in the shower with me. I get my hair soaked through, then massage the scalp thoroughly to loosen dirt and oil. I rinse again with plain water. Then I add warm shower water to my Dr. Bronner's bottle of baking soda, maybe 3/4 full of water. I shake it up good then squirt it on my head, starting at the crown. My hair is long and there's a lot of it so I like that I can squirt the baking soda solution directly where I want it. I massage and scrub my scalp really well and do a quick rinse. I repeat the wash with what's left in the bottle (maybe half?), then finish by gently rubbing the length and ends of my hair between my hands. I rinse well, then squeeze out extra water from my hair. Next comes the vinegar. I still use a 50% solution of just plain white distilled vinegar that I keep in a spray bottle for all my <a href="http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2011/09/mopping-made-easy-inexpensive-and-green.html">other cleaning</a>. Since my hair is somewhat dry and pretty long, I spray quite a lot on, concentrating on the ends. I comb through it with a pick (I know I've used enough vinegar if this is easy to do), then let the vinegar sit in there a minute while I wash my face. Finally, I rinse out the vinegar. Yes, the smell comes out! At this point, I only have to wash my hair about twice per week. I save money <i>and</i> time! Fabulous!</div>
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I'm glad I stuck with the baking soda and vinegar because it really is so much better than any shampoo/conditioner I've used. My hair is always clean. It's shiny and full of body. It's soft and easy to get my fingers, a comb or brush through. The natural waves are bouncy and beautiful (if I do say so myself!). When my hair is dirty, the natural oils just seem to nurture it rather than make it grimy. I can easily adjust the baking soda and vinegar proportions when conditions change so my hair maintains its health through rain, low humidity, heat or cold (we've had weird fall weather so I've had to do this).</div>
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So if you're in doubt, still experimenting, or just curious, I really encourage you to give baking soda and vinegar a try. Just be prepared to spend a few weeks waiting for your hair to adapt to not having the natural oils stripped. And don't be afraid to experiment and play around with your own concoction. It is so worth it!</div>
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<b><i>Any questions or concerns? Want to share your experiments with no 'poo? Please leave a note, I'd love to hear from you!<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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