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| Child 1 (Photo credit: Tony Trần) |
One of the great challenges of parenting unconditionally
is that it usually requires a fundamental shift in thinking. In addition to the
difficulty of finding parenting tactics outside of rewards and punishment, we
are faced with the reality that we must
change how we see, not just how we act. This, the fifth Principle ofUnconditional Parenting, may be pivotal in a parent’s ability to
successfully use this gentle parenting style.
The decision to give up using rewards and punishment may
actually be quite easy, especially after considering all the evidence put forth
by Kohn. However, the
practice of unconditional parenting isn’t simply the omission of the carrot and
the stick. We must also let go of the idea that children’s inappropriate
behaviors are violations that deserve retribution. We have to let go of many
expectations and learn to resolve dissatisfaction. It does little good to refrain from assigning
a formal punishment but still exhibit contempt or disappointment towards the
child, either through overt verbal proclamations ("you messed up") or non-verbal body language (a disapproving grimace). Instead, we are asked to respond with
a problem-solving attitude. We are asked to interpret a child’s behavior with
empathy and openness. Rather than looking for ways to bend and mold a child’s
behavior, we look for “teachable moments” through which we can work together. This
interaction is guided by compassion and respect rather than personal will.
As with any other aspect of parenting, changing our
viewpoint is much easier said than done.
Cultural messages, comments from well-meaning friends and family, and
our own history all play a role in how easily we take on an enlightened view of
our child’s actions. Moreover, most of us have automated responses that we are
unaware of or find difficult to stop. We may be triggered into undesirable
responses to our children – responses that we witnessed ourselves as children,
even if consciously we abhor those behaviors. During stressful moments, it can
be exceedingly difficult to experience anything other than our own hurt, anger, or fear. It can be hard
to see our children differently if we are stuck in our own unresolved feelings.
The ability to confront one’s own emotional state, to learn to regulate it, and
to separate it from our child’s behavior is an essential component to
integrating that compassionate view of children into our being. That, of
course, is what makes learning to see our children differently so challenging:
we must first come to see ourselves
more clearly.
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