When I wrote about gentle strategies for gaining toddler compliance, I knew there was more to it. Sometimes, you have to do something your toddler refuses to do (like brush his teeth). Sometimes, a toddler refuses just for the sake of refusing. During those trying times, how do I assert myself and still remain the compassionate, responsive mother I want to be?
Part of the answer lies in what Alicia Lieberman, author of The Emotional Life of the Toddler, calls benevolent authority. The idea is to confidently protect my son and make wise decisions for him when he cannot. If my concern and competence are genuine, Munchkin will feel safe -- even if he doesn't get what he wants. He may protest, but when I exercise benevolent authority it can actually avert a full-blown temper tantrum.
However, this is not the same as the "because I'm the mom and I said so" attitude. It's the difference between "authoritative" and "authoritarian" parenting styles. Consider "Please get down from there now. I don't want you to get hurt, "(authoritative) versus, "NO! I told you not to climb on that!" (authoritarian). The trick is to be firm, respectful, and loving all at the same time.
I've been experimenting with strategies based on benevolent authority to gain compliance from my toddler in non-negotiable situations. It works. I still encounter typical toddler resistance, but without much toddler drama. We bounce back quickly and remain connected. The beauty of these strategies is that they are based on mutual respect and are intended to build trust between parent and child.
Here are 10 loving techniques I find helpful in dealing with a defiant toddler:
1) Try a gentle approach first. There are a number of kind ways to put a request to a toddler. I previously compiled some gentle methods to cultivate cooperation to use as a starting point.
2) Use toddler-appropriate language. Effective communication is an essential component to any conflict resolution. I show respect for my son through language by using correct pronouns, precise phrasing, and age-appropriate speech (read this for some examples).
3) Demonstrate confidence in your request through your tone of voice. If my request is reasonable, necessary, or urgent, this tone comes naturally. On the other hand, it takes some practice to master this skill when I'm feeling low on patience or uncomfortable being assertive.
4) Offer legitimate choices. Try coming up with 2 different ways to fulfill your request, then give your toddler the choice. This approach helps a toddler feel independent and empowered in a situation in which he really isn't. For example: "Do you want to walk to the car yourself or do you want me to carry you?" or "Do you want to put it back yourself or do you want me to do it?" I find choices like these miraculous for getting out the door or leaving a store without a new toy (or tantrum). Avoid proposing "choices" in which one alternative is a punishment, removal of privilege, or a bribe ("Do you want to stop throwing toys or do you want to leave the park?"). Such false choices are manipulative and will undermine your toddler's trust and respect for you (the basis of your benevolent authority), which could lead to even more defiance.
5) Take action. Sometimes the gentlest thing you can do is, literally, step in. A great way to do this is to use a phrase I picked up from Suchada at MamaEve, "I won't let you..." as in I won't let you hit the dog/throw toys/run in the street, etc. I enforce the words peacefully by holding up a hand to block a strike or by simply standing in the way. Using assertive words and nonaggressive actions to back them up lets your child know you mean what you say. When you stop what you're doing to interact (i.e. connect) with him, he knows it's important! In addition, it builds trust because it lets him know you will protect him from harm.
6) Validate the child's feelings. Acknowledge and accept your toddler's emotions surrounding his defiance. When he feels connected and understood, he is more likely to trust your decision and not have a complete meltdown. I'm practicing phrases like, "I understand that you are angry because I won't let you..." or "It's OK for you to feel angry at me for..." or "Are you sad that...?" to let him know I care about his perspective. I also want him to know that being angry at me won't stop me from loving him (or get me to buy that toy). Avoid judging, criticizing, minimizing, or blaming him for his reaction.
7) Consider the child's unmet needs. Often toddlers "act out" because of an underlying need. Start with physical needs (hunger, thirst, fatigue, overstimulation, pain), then consider emotional needs. Answering emotional needs is tricky and may require some detective work, but the benefits are substantial and often immediate. I've seen Munchkin do a complete turn-around after I took the time to connect with him for a few moments on one his needy days.
8) Reconsider your request. Is it really that important? What's the worst that would happen if you just let it go? Letting go of a disagreement isn't a sign that your child has "won". It's a sign that you care enough to put your relationship ahead of getting your way (the same holds true for dealing with husbands!). It also shows that you're able to overcome your own control issues (often, that's all it is). Consider, "Fine, I give up! Have it your way and look ridiculous in your PJs!" versus, " I guess it doesn't really matter if you wear PJs to the park. Let's go have some fun!" To gain more compliance over the long haul, try to stay focused on developing a long-term relationship with your child, rather than on winning power struggles.
9) Work on your relationship. If you hear "No" more frequently than what seems normal for a toddler, consider your connection with your toddler. Dr. Laura at Aha!Parenting suggests that chronic defiance is a sign that the relationship needs repair. Until the parent-child relationship is healed, it won't really matter which disciplinary actions are taken. The good news is that relationship repair can happen right now since toddlers are centered on the now (as opposed to say, teenagers!).
10) Avoid bribery, threat of punishment, or withdrawal of privileges. While these tactics may be effective in the short-term, the long-term consequences are negative -- for your relationship, for your child's self esteem, and certainly for your benevolent authority. Love, trust, and respect are better motivators than fear.
These methods won't stop a toddler from being defiant. In fact, once we are better able to deal with it, defiance is something we can learn to love about our toddlers. As for me, I'm starting to look at Munchkin's "No" as an opportunity to learn more about who this little guy really is. I'm also learning more about myself and how assertive yet compassionate I can be.
Looking for more tools for handling life with a toddler? Check out some of my other toddler-friendly posts:What effective and caring ways do you use to handle a defiant toddler?
8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance
Speaking Respectfully to a Toddler: Easy Phrases for Big Effects
Doing Errands With a Toddler
Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want...Playfully
Learning to Share By Taking Turns
Handy Parenting Resources: The Fridge Lists
and many more!
Want to hear stories from other moms of toddlers? Check out this video put together by Annie at PhD in Parenting.
Thanks for your post. I have been doing most, if not all of these things for a little while and I agree they do generally work. I find it more difficult to do this when there is time pressure or I have a wildly different agenda to my child. It's a work in progress though ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those posts that every parent needs to print out and post on the fridge! Seriously! This is such a comprehensive yet simple guide to creating a much better relationship with toddlers during these oh so trying times! Loooove this!
ReplyDelete@Hybrid Rasta Mama & bookwormkaz, thank you! I would also benefit from putting these up on my fridge!
ReplyDeleteAfter a particularly trying month of parenting my 3 year old, reading this post was exactly the reminder I needed! Thanks so much and this is definitely going on my fridge!
ReplyDeleteI just added a link above to the "Fridge Lists" which includes a shortened version of this post for easy daily reference. I use it, too!
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog and am very pleased to read this article. It's just what I need for my 3 year old girl at the moment. Thanks. :)
ReplyDelete@Dee, I'm glad you found me:)
ReplyDeleteGentle strategies are great and all, but there are plenty of times that it comes to this: clear instruction, then when it's not followed, a firm, calm spanking before either of us get frustrated, lots of hugs and kisses to reconcile, and it's over.
Delete"it comes to this"...It's ALWAYS the parent's choice to spank. "It" doesn't just happen.
Delete"and it's over": Not exactly. A simple Google search for "long term effects of spanking" will pull up a long list of articles and research that show how detrimental spanking is in the long run. Even when done calmly, without frustration.
I also highly recommend perusing Aha!Parenting's site for help transitioning towards positive discipline:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?SiteSearchID=-1&ID=/search-results
Respectfully, those studies rarely, if ever, separate calm, considered corporal punishment from beating your child. And of course beating your child is harmful!
DeleteThanks for your comment. Most of the studies I've read on physical punishment are about spanking, not "beating your child." To my knowledge, beating a child is usually considered outright child abuse, not just a different way to parent. I don't think anyone would argue that child abuse is an acceptable parenting practice.
DeleteThis is so helpful! I'm definitely still working out the kinks in how to talk to my 20mo daughter. May I ask you how you would handle this situation, so I can get a better grip on this? I don't want her to stand in the tub because she could easily slip, so I say, "you can either sit in the tub or get out of the tub". My intent is to offer choices, but I'm concerned that it's coming off more like a punishment.
ReplyDeleteExcellent question, Skyluv! I do think it's important to be clear and firm about your boundaries, but anytime we introduce an "if, then situation" it can set up the possibility for it to come off as punishment (or just controlling)as you mention. I think a lot of it is in the tone of voice and attitude in the moment. Are you calm, sincere, and concerned for her safety or stating the limit as an ultimatum?
DeleteAnother important consideration: is the limit really necessary or developmentally appropriate? A 20MO may have a hard time making the connection between her behavior and the effect -- and an even harder time with impulse control. Toddlers are made for exploring! Also consider if getting her out of the bath each time this happens is going to meet your other goal of getting her clean. Presumably, you also want to make bathtime a pleasant experience for both of you, so I would consider some alternatives to setting this limit at her age.
We had the same issue with our son in the tub. He never sat down! My solution was to get a cushy bathmat and a faucet protector-cover. If he slipped, it wouldn't be disastrous. Slipping would, however, be enough to startle him into wanting to sit down! We also stayed within arms' reach of him until he became more stable. I also started making the baths cooler in temp which seemed to make it more comfortable for him to sit in (not like us tired moms who love a HOT bath!). Eventually, he just started sitting down on his own, when he was ready. For us, this was a much simpler solution to the bath safety issue. If you focus on that - the SAFETY - rather than "getting your way", it will help guide you to a solution that feels right and works for you and your daughter.
You might want to check out another post of mine about making requests:
http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/2012/02/reconsider-your-requests-unconditional.html
I wish you luck! Gentle approaches take some patience, perseverance and often a spark of creativity. What works for you may look a little different, but it should still feel good inside :)
I love this post. Sharing it on FB now!
ReplyDeletePlease let me know if there are studies done on whether or not a child can accept other forms of authority after being parented this way. How does the child do in school? A teacher is not going to go to such lengths to make a child feel undisciplined. Nor will an employer. I'm wondering how these children adapt to the world of less sympathetic authority.
ReplyDeleteI can recommend 2 secondary sources that cite plenty of primary research on the topic: Unconditional Parenting (Kohn) and Nurture Shock (Bronson). It turns out that this style of gentle parenting actually leads to self-disciplined, self-motivated individuals who need much less external "authority" figures to succeed in school or life in general.
DeleteHi, ive just stumbled upon your blog and its just what i needed! Ive recently read Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting and have completely turned around my approach to raising my (defiant and strong willed) 3 year old girl.
ReplyDeleteI had reached a point where i was at a loss as to how to deal with her relentless defiance and it was just so hard at times when you need to be somewhere! - hence, every single day.
I totally see now, how "doing to" is not the right solution and that often, the moral lesson or point you want your toddler to understand is totally lost on them when all they are focusing on is "if i do x, then z will happen to me as a result"
my daughter is very independent, she is very aware of herself and i have had to widen the boundaries of choice and also really show her the respect she deserves at her age.
She has come on leaps and bounds; she is more openly affectionate, generous, polite and is more willing to comply to the daily stuff! (well, mostly, cos lets face it, a 3 year old is always going to try and run rings round you when your trying to get them ready to go out!)
The biggest part i struggle with is when she occasionally lashes out at me, hitting me. Its only really happens when shes very frustrated at say - having to leave the play centre - i haven't punished her for it, instead after giving her plenty of warning that we are leaving, and then resorting to picking her up (telling her this was a last resort as she was running off) and carrying her outside. i ignored the hitting and calmly put her in the car. once we were on our way, i explained to her how it made me feel when she hit me. and that i understood it was very frustrating that we had to leave but it was tea time and daddy needed picking up. I said there may be better ways to vent her feelings, as hitting was not ok. she sulkily listened and then we moved on...do you think i could have said anything else or done anything else to get the message across in a more effective way?
It is SO CHALLENGING being a parent, it is a constant journey of adapting and analysing, not just of your child but of yourself!
Jenny
Hi, ive just stumbled upon your blog and its just what i needed! Ive recently read Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting and have completely turned around my approach to raising my (defiant and strong willed) 3 year old girl.
ReplyDeleteI had reached a point where i was at a loss as to how to deal with her relentless defiance and it was just so hard at times when you need to be somewhere! - hence, every single day.
I totally see now, how "doing to" is not the right solution and that often, the moral lesson or point you want your toddler to understand is totally lost on them when all they are focusing on is "if i do x, then z will happen to me as a result"
my daughter is very independent, she is very aware of herself and i have had to widen the boundaries of choice and also really show her the respect she deserves at her age.
She has come on leaps and bounds; she is more openly affectionate, generous, polite and is more willing to comply to the daily stuff! (well, mostly, cos lets face it, a 3 year old is always going to try and run rings round you when your trying to get them ready to go out!)
The biggest part i struggle with is when she occasionally lashes out at me, hitting me. Its only really happens when shes very frustrated at say - having to leave the play centre - i haven't punished her for it, instead after giving her plenty of warning that we are leaving, and then resorting to picking her up (telling her this was a last resort as she was running off) and carrying her outside. i ignored the hitting and calmly put her in the car. once we were on our way, i explained to her how it made me feel when she hit me. and that i understood it was very frustrating that we had to leave but it was tea time and daddy needed picking up. I said there may be better ways to vent her feelings, as hitting was not ok. she sulkily listened and then we moved on...do you think i could have said anything else or done anything else to get the message across in a more effective way?
It is SO CHALLENGING being a parent, it is a constant journey of adapting and analysing, not just of your child but of yourself!
Jenny
Jenny, Thanks for your comments! I'm so glad you've found comfort and support here with this rather unconventional approach to parenting. Hitting strikes me (no pun intended) as a sign that some other feeling(s) is needing an outlet. You seem to have the approach and attitude that can welcome and provide your daughter the support she needs to process her emotions. It can also be hard to handle our own emotions because let's face it, getting hit can be very triggering! I highly recommend Hand in Hand Parenting for more info on how to deal with big emotions and hitting:
Deletehttp://www.handinhandparenting.org/search-results?cx=000592519735390105341%3A1w6i1cv_isc&cof=FORID%3A11&ie=UTF-8&q=hitting&sa=Go
They also have lots of support for parents :)
Best of luck to you!
Hi thanks for response! and ill check out that link about hitting.
ReplyDeleteI have had a really bad couple of days with my daughter. Generally, she is pretty well behaved but its the same old stuff that ends up causing a big argument! teeth cleaning and getting dressed are just the hardest issues in our house.
Yesterday i took the respectful, loving approach and asked her to get dressed, in which her usual reply is "in a minute" well, an hour later (we were pottering and watching tv whilst this was going on) i had had enough and asked her quite sternly to put her clothes on, we were going out and this could be delayed no longer. i was literally having to chase her round and i did lose it with her and shouted. in the end she put them on but boy did i hate myself for having to shout.
The thing is, she just wants to do things on her own timeframe but unfortunately, this just aint happening, on a daily basis when it comes to getting dressed and cleaning teeth! I feel that the unconditional approach i have been taking, has actually allowed her to get a bit beyond herself, in terms of her own autonomy. Yes, she has lots of choices and masses of respect in our family, but when i ask her to do something, i need her to do it. I am getting exhausted at how long it can take.
When we get to this point, she hits and screams at me. but mostly doestn cry, she behaves as if shes confidently powerful in our dynamic... it truly upsets me when i lose it, but i a, honestly at a loss as to how to maintain this unconditional approach but with SOME degree of authority, in that she understands i mean what i say!
Any ideas or words of wisdom? im pooped!
Jenny
Jenny, what you describe sounds familiar and makes sense! How frustrating getting out the door. Remember to be patient with yourself, too, even if you "mess up." The unconditional approach is soooo hard. It's A LOT of work, emotional work mostly. There's no carrot or cookie to help get out the door, just the foundation of relationship we have with our kids.
DeleteI suspect the two of you may have some work to do around the issues of her autonomy and your approach to limit-setting. Those aren't easy! Unconditional doesn't mean free reign to do whatever, nor does it mean we have to wait to the last minute when we've lost our patience and we gotta go NOW.
My son and I went through a time when it was pretty ugly for us to get out the door with teeth brushed, etc. I've had some incredible successes with my son by using some of the approaches described on the Hand in Hand site. "Special Time" is seriously magic, although it's taken months to come to fruition. The key is making time to CONNECT and also allowing a bit of space for him to exercise independence (choosing clothes, where to brush teeth, etc.). My mood, my energy, and the way I carry myself makes all the difference. Some days, I still lose my patience or he'll have a meltdown, but most of the time we have a good rhythm going. Come to think of it, just this morning he asked me before going out with Papa if he needed to brush his teeth and hair first. He actually asked me! So yeah, the proof is the in the pudding.
Hang in there. It will come. Mothering is a journey and a process :)
Hi there, yes your right, Unconditional doesn't mean "free reign" and that is far from how i have approached this with my daughter.
ReplyDeleteI have given her freedom and choices where appropriate for her age, followed by letting her know in plenty of time what is needed in terms of "we are going out soon, its time to get dressed, please do so" plus other imaginative ways to encourage to her to get dressed.
But the simple answer is that if you give a 3 year old TOO much freedom to "make the choice herself" and get dressed, it just reaches an even bigger limit in which there NEEDS to be an end point! What exactly does a parent do when there child flat out refuses? I actually think my daughter has gotten TOO autonomous, and it doesn't have anything to do with under lying issues, she isnt being defiant for any other reason than that she wants to do everything on her time frame and no-one elses. Once i had been stern with her and said this was no longer a choice, we HAD to get dressed, she sulkily co-operated.
In the space of my unconditional approach, she has hit me more times than throughout her entire life...which worries me a great deal. I am still being very mindful of how i "handle " her, i do not want to cause a disconnection between us. Wherever possible i am using words to express, and trying to encourage her to also voice her emotions to me - but when it comes to hitting simply because she is not getting her own way, i am not accepting this on any level. words are washing over her, it is not enough in teaching her how unacceptable it is to hit me.
Alfie Kohn DOES continuously recognise the need for limits and boundaries, age dependent, but he doesnt actually have any suggestions for what to do when those limits are pushed aside and flat out disregarded by a child!. Whats the solution to this? Because all i have seen as a result, is a daughter who acts powerful beyond her age, who expects everything to happen on her own time frame or not at all. and like i said, i have not allowed her free reign.
I think each child is very unique and you need to find your own balance of what works to achieve the most positive and happy outcome - for BOTH child and parent! I think that the unconditional approach slightly disregards the fact that the parent has feelings which need to be considered and recognised within the family, and by your child. and a 3 year old who is acting defiant, is often doing so for very simple reasons - they are just defiant! Not becuase they are lashing out due to deeper emotions they cant express, i would totally pick this up if that was the case with my daughter and often defiance can be becasue they are over controlled - which again, my daughter is not.
So im finding a balance, setting non negotiable limits on certain things alongside lots of respect, love and choices wherever possible.
Yes, I understand your frustration. It's a very delicate balance, isn't it?
DeleteI will need to respectfully disagree with you that children act defiantly simply because "they are just defiant." Kohn also discusses this at length in his book: we have to begin by seeing children differently, not just treating them differently. This is perhaps the biggest leap required of unconditional parenting. It's a fundamental shift in thinking that quite frankly can change your world view!
That being said, I find it hard to believe your daughter is simply a rebel and hits you because that's just who she is. She may be spirited and strong-willed, but those qualities alone don't lead to acting out.
Another aspect of unconditional parenting is that we constantly have to evaluate our own behavior and that of our children. Very rarely do kids act out just 'cuz. Usually, there is a valid reason, we just have to be willing to take a closer look. Check out my series here on the Principles of Unconditional Parenting for a brief review.
I also hear some frustration and a need for support in your message. So understandable and valid! You are doing well at a hard job and there is not much support in mainstream society for what you're trying to do. If frustration is what you're feeling underneath, your daughter most likely can detect it, no matter how kind the words are. Anytime I'm irritated (about anything, even unrelated to parenting), my son picks up on it and behaves differently. I suspect that's a common kid reaction from what I've observed. So give yourself space to be frustrated, you deserve it!
Also, have you considered how a child might feel if she has too much power, as you suggest your daughter does? Having too much power/choices could create a sense of fear for a young child. Or in the parent. That fear could then be translated into defiance, hitting, etc.
If any of this resonates with you (or strikes a defensive chord), I highly recommend checking out what HiH has to offer. Where Alfie Kohn leaves off, HiH picks up. They have specific tools and how-tos for dealing with things like hitting and limit-setting.
I'm not keeping up regularly with this blog these days, but I've enjoyed this conversation with you. I'm inspired to know there are others out there who, despite going against the grain, are doing what feels true and right in their hearts. Your daughter is lucky to have you on her side!