MaMammalia

An Eye On Long-Term Parenting Goals (Unconditional Parenting Principle #3)

2012-02-22T22:24:00.000-08:00

In this series of posts, I summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my own mothering. Want to start from the beginning? Click here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting and for links to all posts in the series.

When it comes to raising children, we're most often concerned with short-term parenting issues. ..how to get out the door on time, maintain a household, and have our kids eat their veggies and do well in school.

In Unconditional Parenting, Kohn warns us about placing too much emphasis on short-term parenting issues. In fact, the book centers around a simple question posed to parents: what are your long-term goals for your children? He didn't mean whether you want your kid to go to Harvard or be a trash collector. He meant, what kind of person do you hope to raise? When you think about your child all grown up, what do you hope for her? Affluence? Education? Manners? Obedience? Conformity? Independence? Happiness? Inner peace? Decency? Compassion? Responsibility? Creativity?

This question of long-term parenting goals is central to unconditional parenting because the answers help inform our short-term parenting choices. We have to consider what the possible long-term effects are of our most commonly used parenting strategies.

Kohn also warns us that the most commonly used parenting strategies may not be in line with most parents' long-term goals for their kids. Typically, those strategies involve a system of rewards and punishment that are hallmarks of conditional parenting. This system is easily adopted by parents because it's so common (we learn to parent by example) and because it seems to work in the short-term. Bribes and rewards get the kids to bed faster and make getting out the door easier. And withdrawing privileges - or threatening to do so- often works to stop unwanted behaviors.

However, reliance on the system of rewards and punishment in the short-term may actually interfere with the long-term goals we have for our kids. What numerous studies have shown is that the habitual use of rewards and punishments leads a child to think about immediate consequences to themselves, rather than the overall effects of their actions. I can do it as long as I don't get caught. I want that cookie, so I'll just do whatever my mom asks. So if empathy and self-regulation are part of the long-term goals for your child, it's worth considering whether you're actually instilling those qualities or just modifying your child's outward behavior.

Think about it. If you want your child to be intrinsically motivated, does it make sense to use the carrot and stick? If you want your child to feel unconditionally loved by her caregivers, does it makes sense to ignore her when she's sad or angry (i.e. put her in a time out or punish acting out behaviors)? If you want your child to feel confident in taking on new endeavors, does it makes sense to label her as smart rather than highlighting her efforts? If you want your child to be considerate, does it makes sense to enforce good manners instead of talking to her about empathy? Again, taking time to consider questions like these can provide the most powerful guidance for navigating short-term parenting issues.

Fortunately, thinking about our long-term parenting goals doesn't have to be methodical or painstaking. Nor do we have to get hung-up on every short-term decision. The point is to keep an eye on the big picture and not get lost in the details of today. Whether or not your child cleans her room this week isn't as important as how you show her to be a respectful, contributing member of a household. Deciding whether or not to allow your child to eat Goldfish for dinner isn't as important as the attitude you teach towards healthy eating. Whether or not your toddler says "I'm sorry" after hitting her sister doesn't matter as much as helping her learn that others have feelings and that she can learn to manage her own, too. Even using the occasional reward or punishment isn't going to create an insecure miscreant if you're also making efforts to connect with your child and honor her feelings. With unconditional parenting, the challenge is to provide unconditional support and guidance, even through those short-term struggles.

With long-term goals in mind, we still need tools for dealing with the short-term goals. Next time, I'll share some of my own short-term strategies that don't include rewards or punishment.

For further reading:

Common long-term goals of effective parents A no-frills piece from Break the Cycle.

Tools for creating your parenting philosophy An informative and insightful post from Code Name: Mama, with useful exercises for defining your goals.

My starter kit for unconditional parenting A list of parenting practices (from yours truly) I use that are in line with my long-term goals for raising a compassionate and autonomous boy.

Long term, not short term goals A great article about how short-term solutions to discipline can interfere with long-term goals for our children.

Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life

2012-02-14T00:01:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions With Other Parents
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.
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NOTE: I'm taking a short detour from my Unconditional Parenting series to take part in this blog carnival. Finding respectful ways of interacting with other parents is such an important topic, particularly for anyone interested in unconventional parenting styles.I invite my readers to explore the other posts listed at the bottom.

I live in one of the most progressive and multicultural metropolitan areas in the United States. Oddly enough, unconditional parenting (or attachment, natural, or conscious parenting) isn't very common, at least in my particular suburb. Almost every day I interact with other parents who do not share my parenting choices. I've made some mistakes during some of these interactions, but I've also learned some valuable lessons.

First of all, I've come to realize that respect for self, others, and planet is central to my parenting philosophy. That means I have to model respect if I ever hope my son to exhibit it. While I may disagree with other parent's choices, I still have to respect their right to make choices...even if I find them distasteful, offensive or hurtful. I'm sure some of them feel the same about some of my choices.

Furthermore, it takes much more than a comment here or there to fully inform others about my parenting choices. Most of what I do runs so counter to mainstream parenting culture that it warrants thorough discussion and explanation (think: no rewards or punishment, no TV, breastfeeding a 2 year-old, doing EC, and I'm even thinking about homeschooling; check out my latest blog series for "thorough explanations"). My choices are often misunderstood but I will only engage in discussions about them if the other party is genuinely interested. Parenting raises so many personal issues that people can become defensive unless they are open to hearing information that runs counter to their world view. So, I keep my ideas to myself. And my blog.

Secondly, I can inform and reach many more people if I do so with compassion. I don't want to argue, I want to share and learn. Although I do have very strong opinions, I avoid sharing them with parents I don't know well. Strong opinions have a way of turning people off and people stop listening if they don't immediately agree. Instead, I focus on sharing the information that has led me to form the opinions I do have. Some people will become inspired and make the same choices I do. Others simply won't get it and will go on doing what everyone else does. Either way, it's their choice and I respect their right to make those choices.

I've also started looking at parents as individuals with their own struggles to overcome. I think every parent wishes better for their child than they had it. Whether that's more stuff, more love, more freedom, or whatever, we're all just trying to make the next generation a little better. Maybe that family comes from a culture where cloth diapering is considered low-class, so using disposables feels like financial freedom. Maybe the helicopter mom is showing all the love she never received from absent, neglectful parents. Maybe the parents trying to get their kid away from the playground with promises of sweets and threats of no ice-cream have never even heard of unconditional parenting. Maybe the father dragging his kid by the arm out of the park is exercising considerable restraint compared to the beatings he once received.

I'm not saying I think all parenting choices are justifiable, I'm just saying those parents don't need my contempt or unsolicited advice. They need my support, my empathy, and access to the same information I have. The most respectful thing I can do is model the choices I'm making and be willing to peacefully share the reasons why.

Finally, I've come to learn that parents with different approaches have valuable information to offer. That means I also have to be willing to listen to what other parents have to say. They might know a trick or coping strategy I wouldn't have thought of. They may have a way of navigating parenthood that can bring new insights to my own. They can also teach me to be more compassionate when I realize how much we share in common. Because parenting is hard work, no matter what approach you take.

So while I have dreams of changing the world through peaceful parenting, I've come to accept that the only way we can get better as parents is by supporting each other and exchanging information, with open minds and open hearts. If we begin with a little respect, we might just change the world, together.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it's from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
Judgement is Natural - Just Don't Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother's groups, etc.
Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the "Mommy-space" online.
Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God's Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles... — Jenny at I'm a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents' worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
Carnival of Natural Parenting - Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she's learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others' parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
Speaking Up For Those Who Can't — We've all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you're stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think "Gosh, I wish I said…" This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought "Gosh, I wish I said…"
Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
The Thing You Don't Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she'd want to meet.
Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
Saying "I'm Right and You're Wrong" Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
Have another kid and you won't care — Cassie of There's a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
Explain, Smile, Escape — Don't know what to do when you're confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
Linky - Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert's Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.

Say What You Mean and Ask For What You Want

2012-02-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

In this series of posts, I explore my personal challenges with each of the principles of unconditional parenting. These personal accounts run in parallel with a series of information-based posts where I explain each of the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. Want to start from the beginning? Click here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting and for links to all posts in the series.

When my son and I do laundry together, he likes to help push the laundry cart. He also likes to climb up on the rack under the laundry bags, a rack made of rather flimsy metal. The cart isn't strong enough to support a bouncing two-year old so his climbing feat isn't all that cool. I've asked him not to stand on the cart many times, but the temptation still arises, especially if I'm busy folding clothes.

I could forcefully order him No, don't do that. I could weakly imply that "We" don't climb on that. But neither of those requesting tactics work because neither is rooted in respect. Using forceful words is controlling and creates a power struggle (do you like to be talked to that way?). On the other hand, being indirect muddles the message so the child doesn't know what you really want. The popular "we don't" isn't a request, it's an untrue statement (note that he's already climbing).

I could also take the middle ground by being both compassionate and assertive: Please don't climb on that. Usually, that's the general approach I take, along with a number of other gentle strategies I've written about (check them out: Toddler Compliance, Toddler Defiance, and Speaking Respectfully to a Toddler).

Recently, and with some inspiration from nonviolent communication, I've started phrasing my requests in terms of what I want and need. It's a subtle change in words, but the results are rather dramatic. I feel empowered when I ask my son to do or not do something because I express my desires honestly. And I think he feels empowered because the approach is so honest. Instead of making a demand from dominant figure to submissive figure, I respectfully state my request, from human to human:

"Munchkin, I don't want you to climb on the laundry cart. Do you see the how the metal bends when you climb up there? I'm afraid the cart will break and I would be very sad if it broke. Will you please get down from there?"

He did, in fact, get down without a fuss. Did I mention he's two years old? Yeah, wow.

The same strategy works for getting him to do something he doesn't want to, like put on his diaper before bedtime:

"I don't like it when you say 'no' and run away," I said this with genuine sadness in my voice while looking him in the eye. "I want you to come over here and put on your diaper. I like it when you help me put on your diaper. I like it when you cooperate and we do it together. I like to be close to you because then we can play together, too."

He responded by coming over to me. He sat down on top of the diaper and we played one of our little games while I fastened the diaper.

I think part of the trick is in the "I statement:"

I want you to...

I don't want you to....

I don't like it when....

I like it when...

*I feel scared when....

*I feel angry when...

*I feel happy when....

Switching requests from pronoun-free directives to "I statements" is a liberating shift. I feel calmer and freer, regardless of outcome. I'm not going to argue that it works every time, but it certainly does most of the time. It also works a whole lot better if the parent-child relationship is in good condition because it underscores the mutual respect in the relationship. If I get into power struggle mode or am too afraid to be forthright with my requests, I lose my son's trust and respect. Then he's not likely to do anything I ask, no matter how I request it.

I'll talk more about the importance of the parent-child relationship later in this series. Next time, we'll begin to explore the topic by considering long-term goals. For now, I'll just keep practicing this new way of asking for what I really want.

*Use of feeling words can be tricky. Check out the comment below from Issa and my response to it for a discussion of the concerns in using feelings when making requests.

How do you ask for what you want from your kids? Have you noticed when it's more or less likely to work?

Reconsider Your Requests (Unconditional Parenting Principle #2)

2012-02-02T21:01:00.000-08:00

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"...any time it’s our objective to get another person to behave in a certain way, people are likely to resist no matter what it is we’re asking for. This seems to be true whether the other person is 2 or 92 years of age." - Marshall Rosenberg, in Raising Children Compassionately

A basic precept in unconditional parenting is to give up trying to control children and instead focus on working with them to meet mutual goals. Alfie Kohn calls this a "working with" as opposed to a "doing to" style of parenting. A prime example of how we can begin to work with our children comes from the second principle of unconditional parenting: reconsider your requests.

Unfortunately, the "working with" idea isn't a very common approach to making requests of children. Advice about how to get your kid to do this or that includes strategies that vary from forceful to gentle, but most rest on the untested assumption that the parents' request is inherently valid. The underlying message is that parental authority justifies whatever it is we are asking. From this perspective, solutions to parent-child problems must lie in finding ways to change (read: control and manipulate) children's behavior. Not surprisingly, this parenting mindset leads to a battle of wills, a battle in which parents continually try new and different tactics to get their kids to pick that up, do chores, and not do drugs.

In contrast, the unconditional parenting approach asks us to change ourselves. When conflicts arise, we need to consider if the real problem might actually be that we're making unreasonable requests. Is the request an honest reflection of a need? Or is it just our preference or a way to fulfill the need for control? Why should the child comply? Is the request age appropriate? Are we asking for something that we want for our children without checking to see if it's what they want? Is it really that important? What's the worst that could happen if we let it slide, honestly?

Certainly, there are plenty of things we ask of our kids that are reasonable and necessary. What those are will differ from family to family. Still, if we are to gain the respect and compliance of our kids, we will have a lot better luck if we start by being reflective about our requests.

It also helps to be flexible. Traditional parenting advice will tell us to "be consistent" and not "give in" when our child won't fulfill our demands (for an example of some really atrocious, anti-unconditional parenting advice, see this article). However, if you have a "working with" attitude, an adamant refusal from your child might be a clue that there's a problem with your request. If so, it's OK to change your mind once you're reconsidered (more on this topic later when we visit the unconditional parenting principle on not being rigid). This won't thwart authority. Rather, it will show your child that you're human, fallible, compassionate and fair enough to make the right decision after you've made a mistake. Genuine respect goes a lot further than fear.

Another critical aspect of making requests to our children comes from the way in which we ask. If we are stuck in the mindset that only the parents' needs or desires matter ("because I'm the mom and I said so!"), we are bound to encounter conflict with children. Then we are back to controlling rather than working with.

Fortunately, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers a powerful, effective, and incredibly compassionate way to ask for what we need, from children or anyone else. With NVC, the focus in on how to satisfy the needs of both parties. Requests are met because of trust, compassion, and respect that flows between parent and child. Consider the difference between "Your room is such a mess! I told you to clean it. Do it now or I'll..." versus "I see that you haven't cleaned your room and I feel very frustrated. I really need some help in keeping the house tidy. Will you please pick up your room?"

The flip side is that occasionally the child will not be able to fulfill that request because she has her own needs. But just think, does your spouse or friend always do what you ask? Would you punish them if they didn't, especially if the reason was valid? If we truly respect our children as human beings, we should extend them the same courtesy. We should be willing to live with them not always doing what we ask. We can let go of the power struggle and instead think in terms of mutual respect. The upshot is that refusals will happen less often because a person who feels respected instead of controlled is a lot more willing to comply in the first place.

So imagine... your child cleaning up her room, brushing her teeth, or doing her chores because she trusts your decisions and respects your need for cleanliness -- not because she doesn't want to get grounded. Imagine asking only for things that really matter. Imagine rethinking your request if you don't get what you ask for. Then imagine that you can sometimes accept her not doing what you ask because she has her own needs and you care about them. Imagine the conversation that takes place each time, without struggle, blame, criticism, or threats. That's unconditional parenting.

For further reading

Nonviolent Communication:

Examples of using NVC with children, based on an excerpt from Rosenberg's Raising Children Compassionately

Tools, resources, and a weekly parenting tip series, based on NVC

Making requests to children under five (from yours truly):

8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance

10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance

Speaking Respectfully to a Toddler: Easy Phrases for Big Effects

Listening and Asking:

Teaching Children to Listen, from Simplicity Parenting

25 Ways to Talk so Children Will Listen, from Dr. Sears

Making Requests - 5 Reasons We Avoid Them (and 15 excuses), from Psych Central

How Can I Get My Kids to Listen to Me, from motherInc.

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Any other thoughts about making requests to kids? Please share your ideas or ask anything!

Uncovering Sources of Angry Reactions: Using Reflection and Unconditional Parenting for Lasting Change

2012-01-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in my previous post on being reflective, part of the challenge in unconditional parenting is to examine the roots of our own parenting practices. This can be an especially daunting and scary endeavor for those of us who were raised in dysfunctional homes. Even for people raised in healthy, supportive environments, taking a hard look in the mirror isn't always easy. As Alfie Kohn puts it, "raising kids is not for wimps."

Despite the difficulty of parenting unconditionally, I'm committed to this gentle, compassionate approach. I'm driven to provide more emotional support for my son than I ever received. To do so, I have embraced reflection as a way of life. Without reflection, I risk falling victim to my own bad habits, habits I learned from a family with different values than my own. For the most part, I'm pleased with my parenting choices. But there are plenty of situations in which I still need to build my emotional intelligence, where I want to be more responsive than reactive.

Like those loooong, seemingly unending stretches of intense neediness that my toddler goes through. You know... during illness, second molars doing plate tectonics under the gums, a shift in the routine, or some other random infraction upon the fragile toddler world. And with it, the whining, the crying, the clinging, and the asking for something 17 times, even if I've already replied with a yes. Hoo boy, do those days test me!

Most of the time, I handle these situations without getting too rattled. When I'm rested, well-fed, exercised, have had ample personal time, and life hasn't thrown me any recent hiccups, I cope fine with Munchkin's needy fits. But life isn't always that smooth so neither am I. On hard days, I carry my own emotional baggage that adds fuel to any present day fire. On those days, that whining and crying really just make me want to SCREAM. I'm ashamed to admit it, but on occasion I have. If I'm not paying attention, my whole body gets tense and the only emotion I can connect with is anger.

Anger? Yes, anger, the master cover-up of all emotions. It protects us from feeling despair, loss, hopelessness, anguish, weakness and fear. And that must be what I'm feeling underneath the extreme irritation. Because the real me - the person I am today, the mother I am when I'm my best - feels only compassion and concern when I hear my child cry. No matter what's going on in my life.

Typically, when I get overwhelmed by Munchkin's needs my strategy is to take a break. I go to my chair and breathe. I remind myself that it's not his fault he's upset, he's not trying to annoy me, and that I'm just having an emotional reaction of my own. I watch myself feel angry, I hear my racing heart, and I listen intently to my breath until it slows down. I re-center. Then I get up, return to my son, and thank him for giving me a moment. I apologize if I have been harsh before taking my break. We hug and he seems to forgive me and understand. Then I tend to his needs.

But what about MY needs?!!! The fact that I have to keep repeating this process indicates that I have some unmet needs of my own. The feelings I'm having aren't just from dealing with a needy toddler. Yes, toddlers can be incredibly aggravating, but the anger-covering-other-feelings comes from me, not a two year-old. It's deeper.

If I'm brave enough to consider why I feel angry during my son's needy fits, I have a chance of stopping the cycle. I have a chance to heal my hurt feelings, forgive transgressions, and let go of the anger. Then, I can tend to my son the way I normally do, the way I do when I'm not burdened with feelings outside of here and now. Because what I want is to provide consistent support for him, not just when I'm my best self. I want to let go of that tension that takes over so I can take over the situation with compassion and grace. Even on hard days.

So I've started to reflect on the source of this parenting practice, or rather, parenting reaction. Where are these crazy feelings coming from? Why do I sometimes have this intense emotional reaction to something that is really just plain irritating?

Certainly part of it is that I can take better care of myself. Get more rest. Eat before my blood sugar starts running low. Stick to my regular exercise routine. Nurture my interests and passions outside of motherhood. Make time for myself. Focus on being mindful. OK, sure, fine, I'll work on doing all that more consistently. Yet it still feels like that's just the surface layer, the maintenance layer. I still need to peel back the outer coating and get down to the pit. I need to reflect upon myself as a child in order to access the source of this angry feeling.

One clue comes from a memory I have when I was about four years-old. I was in the bath and I was very upset. Something terrible had just happened to me because I was in physical and emotional pain. My mother was washing me off, hissing viciously at me to shut up and stop crying. She was angry at me, seemingly because I was crying, in pain, and in distress.

This memory sits vaguely in the back of my mind when I hear Munchkin's persistent shrieks. Usually, I can push it away, back down to the caverns where I was taught to keep it. Yet on days when my emotional threshold is low, the memory seeps up through the cracks. It leaks into my muscles and invades my body. The pained fury holds me tightly in its merciless hand.

But the anger is not mine. I just internalized it when I was four because... well, that's how four year-olds cope. I took that anger as my own even though I didn't create it and didn't deserve it. It's not my anger and it certainly isn't for me to share with my son. I'm quite sure it wasn't even my mother's to begin with.

So it's time. Time to let go of that anger. Time to give it back. Time to forgive. Time to listen to my own pitiful wails, openly, without criticism or judgment. Time to comfort that sorrow with unconditional love. Time to heal. Time to come back to the present.

Now, I have a different vision when I arise from my breathing chair. I take one last deep breath. I open my eyes and see Munchkin watching me with concern. I go through the regular spiel (I'm sorry, I'm not upset at you, I feel better now, etc. etc.). I take him in my arms and imagine pulling the crying little girl out of the bathtub. I wrap her in a huge, warm, oversized, fair-trade, organic bamboo towel (I love the endless possibilities with imagery). I draw her up close and nestle her securely between me and Munchkin. I listen to her screams subside to wimpers as we hold her close. She is cradled safely there, protected from harm, soothed, comforted, loved. When I release Munchkin from my embrace, we smile at each other.

The little girl smiles, too.

***

For ideas on staying mindful, check out: When Stress Interferes with Mindful Parenting

Do you have parenting reactions you'd like to change? Does any of this resonate with you? Feel free to leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you!

Be Reflective (Unconditional Parenting Principle #1)

2012-01-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

In this series of posts, I summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my own mothering. Want to start from the beginning? Click here for the Introduction to Unconditional Parenting.

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates, The Apology

Being reflective is a great starting point for unconditional parenting, or any life endeavor for that matter. Out of mindfulness and introspection comes insight, righteousness, and occasionally, wisdom.

What it means to be reflective

Being reflective, simply put, means thinking consciously about what you are doing -- or have done. When it comes to parenting, this can be a big challenge. We often have knee-jerk reactions or do things because that's how we were raised or how mainstream society tells us to parent. When practicing unconditional parenting, the trick is to be conscious and reflective about what you are doing and why.

Be mindful and self aware. Be present when you are with your child. Watch your own thoughts, words, and actions. Speak and act consciously. Notice your tone of voice, your words, your body movements. Avoid judging yourself. Kindly allow yourself to gradually learn mindfulness. It takes practice!

Critique your own parenting without lingering on harsh criticism or guilt. Consider your strengths and weaknesses. What would you like to do more of? What's working? What do you feel really good about that you do as a parent? On the flip side, what doesn't feel right? Which practices are difficult or not working? When are you less patient, understanding or mindful? When are you more controlling or harsh? Take a good look and decide what you can or are willing to change. But don't berate yourself. The guilt will tell you what you really want to change, but change will happen more easily when you let go of it. Focus on solutions and acceptance.

Search for the roots of your own parenting practices. Are your parenting behaviors, expectations, and rules in line with who you truly are and what you believe? Or did you pick them up from your own parents or cultural messages, even though they don't necessarily fit into your value system? Do you react to your child(ren) or respond?

As Dr. Markham from Aha!Parenting puts it, the buttons that your kids push were installed in your own childhood. Something that sets you off may have no effect on the next mama. Often, your reactions have less to do with your child's 'annoying' behavior and more to do with how you may have been treated as child. Get -- and keep -- in touch with that inner child, help her heal, and give her the parenting she and your child deserve. Then, you can decide which practices you'd like to keep and which you can do without.

Avoid rationalizing a behavior or practice that feels wrong. If you've done something (or want to do something) that doesn't feel right, notice that unsettling sensation, however unwelcome it is. There may be an urge to rationalize your own behavior in order to justify it or to avoid guilt and deep-seated emotions. Don't. It's OK to make mistakes (really it IS!), but the path to change will evade you if you convince yourself they aren't mistakes. Instead of rationalizing, accept yourself. Let go of the guilt. Love yourself unconditionally.

"Be honest with yourself and your motives" (Unconditional Parenting, p.121) Being reflective is also a way of being candid. The more you are willing to face yourself and be sincere about your own parenting choices, the easier it will be to honestly express unconditional love to your child.

For some great ideas and inspiration on becoming more reflective, check out:

Peace4Parents

Center for Reflective Parenting

Mindful Mama Blog Carnival hosted by TouchstoneZ and Becoming Crunchy

What does being reflective mean to you? Are there particular aspects of self-reflection that resonate for you? Go ahead....leave a comment and share your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you!

An Introduction to Unconditional Parenting

2012-01-10T19:29:00.001-08:00

In this series of posts, I summarize the 13 basic principles of unconditional parenting as described in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. I include insights and interpretations gleaned from other resources. The information-based posts run in parallel with a series of personal accounts of how I attempt to apply these principles in my own mothering.Scroll to the bottom for links to all posts in the series.

***

I often refer to my style of parenting using a term coined by Alfie Kohn: "Unconditional Parenting." But what exactly is unconditional parenting? What makes it different from any other form of parenting? Most importantly, how do we actually do unconditional parenting in real life? To address these questions, I'd like to begin a series of posts where I investigate the underlying principles of unconditional parenting. Let's get started with a general description.

Kohn uses the term "unconditional parenting" to make it distinct from the dominant parenting paradigm that tells us to treat our children conditionally: reward the child for behaviors we like, and punish or ignore behaviors we don't like. In contrast, unconditional parenting avoids behavior modification tactics. Instead, the focus is on understanding the child's underlying needs, emotions, and motives. We can circumvent the need to use rewards or punishment at all by addressing a child's state of mind and by validating their feelings. Limits and boundaries are maintained through mutual trust, respect, open communication, and guidance towards self-regulation. The upshot is that children actually feel our unconditional love because they receive our compassion no matter how they act - even though we don't condone certain behaviors.

However, unconditional parenting is much more than the avoidance of praise and rewards. For me, the practice of unconditional parenting is a quest or process. I view it as a philosophy, a set of guiding principles, and a frame of mind. I don't get this parenting thing right all the time, but I keep coming back to a foundation rooted in unconditional parenting principles. It's an approach that works for me because it feels like I am truly mothering from my heart.

Kohn argues that it's hard to offer a set of do's and don'ts of unconditional parenting (see p. 117 in Unconditional Parenting). Still, a good starting point for understanding and trying to practice unconditional parenting comes directly from Kohn's book. In it, he describes thirteen "Principles of Unconditional Parenting" (chapter 7) that can be adopted by anyone wanting to practice a gentle, compassionate, and highly effective style of parenting.

In an upcoming series of posts, I will cover each of these Principles of Unconditional Parenting. I'll summarize them and provide additional resources where appropriate. Since most of the principles are easier said than done (by a long shot!), I'll also include a parallel series where I explore my personal challenges with each. Once I cover the basic principles of unconditional parenting, I'll tackle the more controversial issues of rewards and punishment.

Please feel free to chime in with comments, questions and insights because this is still very much a learning process for me and many other parents. We all gain strength and knowledge from each other. I truly believe we can heal the world by becoming better at caring for our children, by loving them unconditionally.

I hope you'll join me on this journey to discover more about unconditional parenting!

***

Read Unconditional Parenting Principle #1: Be Reflective
Read about Using Reflection to Change Unhealthy Reactions
Read Unconditional Parenting Principle #2: Reconsider Your Requests
Read about making requests: Say What You Mean and Ask for What You Want
Read Unconditional Parenting Principle #3: An Eye on Long-term Parenting Goals

Taking a break

2011-12-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

I really, really hate to do this, but...it seems the wisest and kindest thing to do right now.

I have some pressing health issues and family matters to tend to (when it rains it pours!) so I'm having a hard time spending quality time with MaMammalia. I'm going to take a short time-out and hopefully be back within a couple of weeks. Don't worry, I have plenty of wonderful ideas in the works for the new year.

Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't call it a time-out since that has all kinds of punitive, negative connotations attached to it. How about a break? That's better. I'm going to take a little break. :)

What Gentle Parenting Looks Like

2011-12-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

When I tell people that I practice gentle parenting, I think they get the impression that this means always being positive, having infinite patience, and never losing one's temper or getting angry. In truth, I see gentle parenting as a practice, and one that takes considerable practice at that.

Yes, I do strive to always be responsive to my son. I try to maintain a positive outlook, to be supportive, to use gentle guidance instead of punishment, to be patient, and to keep my own emotions in check. But I'm human. And I have my own baggage. And I wasn't raised this way. And I'm not naturally patient or calm. And he's a toddler.

So sometimes I falter. Sometimes I feel resentful when my own needs go neglected too long. Sometimes I get sick of playing the same game 20 times, of cleaning up messes, of answering the same question over and over again, of repeating myself, of hearing him repeat himself, of whining, crying, and the whole lot. Sometimes I am just too darn tired to deal. While I don't use punishment, I do sometimes yell or say things I don't really mean. Sometimes I look like any other parent of a toddler.

So how is that "gentle" parenting? I think it's largely a matter of attitude and motivation. I don't condone my own shortcomings, nor do I dwell on feeling guilty about them. I apologize for my behavior to my son when I act in ways I don't want to. Then I make concerted efforts to do things differently, and tell him I am doing so. I reflect on what's driving my own emotions, then take steps to care for myself and heal myself if necessary. Sometimes I repeat my mistakes. So I try again. And again. I just keep trying. Parenting is, after all, a lifelong practice.

I also have an intense desire to be a better parent today than I was yesterday. I make that commitment every day and I make it a conscious choice. It's a decision that takes high priority in my life, but it is a decision I have to make repeatedly. I can't take it for granted that I'm just parenting along fine all the time. Even when things are going well, I still take time to consider how and why they are good so I can nurture those qualities. Over time, I believe those positive aspects of my parenting will become so habitual that my shortfalls will become less frequent and less intense. I'm growing with my son.

However, I think maybe the real trick to gentle parenting is being gentle to the parent. What I've found is that when I am patient with myself, I am patient with my son. When I put my basic needs first, I can easily tend to his. When I allow myself to experience and process my own emotions - however ugly or beautiful - I handle my son's emotions with sensitivity and compassion.

Don't get me wrong, my son's needs do come first. Sometimes his needs are in direct conflict with mine and I have to negotiate how and when to address my own needs. Those are challenging situations that I work on as they arise. Sometimes clarity comes with hindsight, but the point is I'm always looking, always trying to learn, always open.

More importantly, I am learning to love myself through those stressful circumstances so that I can show him the unconditional love that I feel for him, too. Self-love is a wellspring of unconditional love, the place where I find positivity, undying patience, and emotional well being. It's where I find my guide to gentle parenting.

A Light in the Darkness

2011-12-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the December Mindful Mama Carnival: Staying Mindful During the Holiday Season
This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ. This month our participants
have shared how they stay mindful during the holiday season. Please read to
the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

Courtesy obsidian.com

Winter is usually a dark time for me. I am deeply affected by the shortage of sunlight and my body yearns for hibernation. Blood meant for warmer climes retracts from the chilly surface. I become sluggish. My limbs recoil, aching for sanctuary.

Living in the Northern Hemisphere, my longing to withdraw is further complicated by the holidays. The season brings up a mix of both magical childhood memories and memories still too dark to fully retrieve. Adding to the challenge is my son's birthday and the memories of his difficult entrance into the world. He was born in winter, even though he wasn't due until early spring. Keeping vigil in the NICU that year, I escaped my usual holiday anguish as I faced a new, utterly foreign reality. Coming home was even harder but we got through that, too. My new family survived that first dark winter.

When I look at my son now, two years later, I wonder how I got so lucky to have this being share the winter with me. I watch him run laughing, rosy-cheeked from the cold. I feel warm. I answer his litany of questions and listen to his endless discourse about the rocks, the barren trees, the dog's hardened poop. I feel elation. My arms unfold, extending outward. My feet move easily. I am awake.

When incomprehensible emotions creep up, when I feel disgust, distance, and discord over the madness of the holidays, I look at him. I remember his fight. I remember my own. I see the results of hope, commitment, and deep attachment. I see him grow and I see myself transform. I see the now and move beyond the past. I see the holidays as a time of joy, a time to celebrate that we are alive through the dark, cold winter. I see light.

***

Visit The Mindful Mama Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Carnival!

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #MindMaCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Mindful Mama Twitter List and Mindful Mama Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Enjoying Busy Times Moment by Moment Amy at Peace 4 Parents offers a handful of simple pointers to make the most of any busy season in your life.
Staying A Mindful Mama During The Holiday Season Terri at Eco-Crazy Mom shares her thoughts on being a mindful mama, while keeping your sanity throughout the holiday season..
Holiday Parenting: The Gift of Natural Play Moorea at MamaLady shares her holiday plan for mindfully spending time with children in her extended family.
The ABC's of Mindful Parenting Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama provides a comprehensive list of Mindful Parenting Resultions for 2012. In addition, she briefly reviews her mindful parenting journey for this past year.
The 123's of Mindful Parenting Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares part 3 of her Mindful Parenting series (Link will be live tomorrow, Dec 14).
Mindful Mama Guest Post from Hybrid Rasta Mama Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share Part 2 of Jennifer's series on staying Mindful for the Holidays.
Saying No to Plastic Toys Nada at minimomist and her husband Michael, have certain rules when it comes to toys for their daughter Naomi. Here's how they deal with well-meaning gifts that don't quite work for their family.
Can you LOVE WHAT IS at Christmas? with so many expectations and no many people's needs to accomodate, Patti at Jazzy Mama has decided to simply accept what can't be changed and love whatever happens.
Minimal Temptation, Minimal Gifting Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares how not exposing herself to tempting purchases, as well as having fun family traditions, helps keep her Christmas list under control.
Choice And Consequence In Conscious Mindfulness Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her realisation that consciously monitoring our thoughts have a powerful effect on our lives, regardless of circumstances or influences.
A Light in the Darkness Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about overcoming holiday blues through the miracle of motherhood.
Nature-Inspired Christmas Tree Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling describes how she and her children discovered the beauty and simplicity of a nature-inspired holiday tree.
Giving The Gift of Life Free Range Mama at My Healthy Green Family shares about teaching children how to look beyond the well-wrapped box and learn how to give. .
Can a collection of moments be more than the whole? Tat at Mum in search asks how do you turn a holiday from hell into a series of beautiful moments?
Flying Through the Holidays Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction discusses how a simple organizational plan has kept her holidays balanced.
Celebrating Advent week to week Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that counting down weeks instead of days helps children with the long wait.
5 Ways to Stay Mindful This Holiday Season Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares ideas and photos that help her stay mindful throughout the holidays.
Simplifying the Holidays Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children shares how simplifying the holidays has made them more special for her.
Mindfully Managing the Mania Erica at ChildOrganics fights against "the gimmes" and shares strategies for staying balanced during a time of year when it's easy to overindulge.
Six Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Without Losing Your Mindfulness Rachael at The Variegated Life shares tips on thinking less, planning less, doing less, and remembering.
The Gift of Presence Darcel at The Mahogany Way explains how important it is to be present for and with her family during the Holidays.
Mindfully meditating on celebrations Dionna at Code Name: Mama hosts this guest post from Child of the Nature Isle about desiring meaningful celebrations for the whole year.
What Does It Really Mean? Staying Mindful Through the Holiday Season Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about how she stays in touch with what the holiday season means for her and her family, in spite of all the temptations to do otherwise!

Same shirt, different size

2011-12-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

Courtesy treehugger.com

The first thing I noticed was the young boy's shirt: it was exactly the same as one Munchkin has, albeit several sizes bigger. I felt the urge to approach The Mom, to tell her it was one of my favorite shirts, to forge a connection, to have a chuckle over kid stuff.

The occasion to act on this urge was interrupted by the first strained interaction between The Mom and Her Daughter. The 9 or 10 year-old girl was climbing the jungle gym while The Mom was pushing Her Son in the cool shirt on the swing. The Mom called out that they would be leaving soon. The daughter responded with a gesture and something I couldn't hear, something that The Mom must have heard before.

"Don't do that. That's disrespectful," The Mom called out in a sing-songy voice. Her Daughter kept climbing. A few minutes later Her Daughter joined them at the swings. I heard another tense exchange of unintelligible words before Her Daughter scuffed off towards the slide play structure.

A toddler girl, close to Munchkin's age, was exploring the bottom rungs of the rope ladder up to the large slide. The Daughter moved close and must have put a hand on one of the upper rungs because The Mom immediately burst out with, "Get away from there!" Her Daughter mumbled an objection.

"You get away from there now! That little girl is using it. She's small and you're big." The toddler's mother was on the other side of the play structure, like me, casually observing the drama unfold. I couldn't tell if she said anything, but it didn't seem to matter to The Mom. The Mom suggested -- no, barked -- that Her Daughter should walk around to climb up from another point. Her Daughter remained sullen near the rope ladder and bleated something else I couldn't hear.

The Mom left Her Son on the swing and walked towards Her Daughter, wagging that big finger. "I said, you get away from there now. You're big and you need to leave her alone. We always look out for the little guy. Always!"

Her Daughter ignored The Mom's orders. She stood close to the rope ladder, head down, gently spreading out the wood chips with her foot. The Mom made a beeline for their gear and started packing up, coughing up more admonishments to Her Daughter. She instructed Her Son to get off the swing and get ready to leave. To Her Daughter across the playground, she yelled, "If you don't get away from there, I'm leaving!" Her Daughter did not move.

The toddler girl moved away from the ladder and went off to explore the swings where her mother sat watching. The Daughter seized the opportunity to climb the ladder now that the whole reason for avoidance was gone. The Mom hissed at her before she laid a hand on the rungs.

"But Mom, she's gone now..." Her Daughter moaned.

"I don't care! I told you to get away from there. You made the little girl leave. You made her mommy make her leave!"

My jaw dropped. I stopped listening to them. It only took a few minutes more for The Mom to gather Her Daughter and Son to leave the playground. Munchkin and I played quietly in the sand box. I turned to smile at the toddler's mother, rhythmically pushing the little girl on the swing. She smiled back. I heard the wind rustle in the trees and the soft cry of a hawk above.

Maybe I should have mentioned the shirt, I thought.

A Child-proof Breakfast of Champions

2011-12-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things for me to adapt to as a first-time mother of a young child was being interrupted. Constant. Interruptions. While eating, pooping, talking, dressing, brushing teeth, cleaning, and of course, sleeping.

In nearly two years, I've learned not only to accept the repeated interruptions, but how to work with them. In addition to finding new ways to cook and do laundry with my toddler, I've found a breakfast of champions that is interruption-proof. By interruption-proof I don't mean I don't get interrupted a hundred times while I'm eating it. I mean that it can withstand countless interruptions and still be enjoyable. Unlike a hot meal, granola, or cold cereal, this breakfast just gets better the longer it sits. Interruption-proof.

What's that, Munchkin? You spilled milk all over yourself and need a change of clothes? Oh, and you spilled it on all your cars, too? You peed on the floor again? Now you don't like that shirt and want a different one? Did the grapes get squished into the couch? And now you want something else to eat instead? No problem. I'll just take a quick bite then come back later for the rest of my Child-Proof Breakfast of Champions:

Ingredients

plain yogurt

honey (local honey is best if you have allergies)

fresh fruit (I prefer berries, bananas, or whatever is in season)

"Grape Nuts" cereal (I use a generic brand but I'm also trying to figure out how to make my own)

Directions

Put the yogurt in your bowl, then top with grape nuts. Drizzle honey over the grape nuts. Mix yogurt, cereal and honey well. Top with fruit. If you like crunchy, eat it up immediately. If you have a rogue child to tend to, go ahead. When you get back, the grape nuts will have softened a bit, but they will still have some good texture.

In my experience, granola doesn't have the same lasting quality as the gravelly grape nuts. Granola tends to just get soggy and I rarely enjoy it later on. This, breakfast, however, has gotten me through many hectic mornings. It also happens to be delicious, nutritious, and filling. It makes a great snack any time of day and Munchkin likes it, too.

Lunch, however....

Do you have any quick, easy, interruption-proof meals? Please share!

Thank You, Mama Bloggers

2011-11-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

On this year's day of giving thanks, I am reminded of some thoughts I had awhile back. Now seems like a good time to share them.

When you have a lifestyle that's considered alternative to mainstream culture, it can be hard to find community. Mainstream culture tends to fly in direct opposition to most of what I hold dear, what I find most natural, what I find to be truly human. Consider Milwaukee's recent attack on co-sleeping as but one example.

When I became a mother and realized my place in the parenting world, I started reading natural parenting blogs, mama blogs, and blogs about natural living. I sought information and insight from like-minded people. So I've been reading all sorts of mama blogs...the big impact ones with a zillion Facebook fans, the little ones who quietly share intimate stories, and many in between.

Since joining this virtual community less than a year ago, I've noticed subtle changes in myself. I have more maternal knowledge and skills. I've grown more comfortable in my mothering. No, not just comfortable, confident. I feel good about my general parenting choices, like I'm on a path that's right for me. Part of it is my own growth, but I think another big part is that I've been reading the mama blogs.

So here, I'd like to formally say Thank You to the Mama Bloggers:

Thank you for creating a community of open-mindedness, sharing, and respect. I find connection and support in what I once thought was the least likely place (the internet).

Thank you for providing so much useful information. I continually learn new things to apply in my daily life.

Thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations. I often learn your lessons vicariously or am reminded of my own shortcomings that need attention.

Thank you for cheering about your successes. I am inspired and motivated, knowing that someone else has a way that might work for me, too.

Thank you for making me laugh, so that I could laugh at myself, too. Some days I really need it!

Thank you for your poetic prose that touches me as a mother, a world citizen, a woman, and a fellow writer.

Thank you for honoring motherhood in all its glory and hardship.

Thank you for making me a better mother.

And, of course...thank you for reading :)

Airplane Travel With a Toddler

2011-11-19T15:46:00.000-08:00

Courtesy opinionli.com

Traveling by air with a toddler can be entertaining or stressful, but it is unlikely to be uneventful. During the holidays, especially, it's easy for adults to get busy or wrapped up in the season. It's easy for us to forget that air travel is so much more than going from Point A to Point B (not to mention the ecological costs).

However, if we take the time to slow down, avoid rushing, and allow the toddler to discover this amazing human feat, we are more likely to enjoy a simple, domestic flight -- holiday bustle or not. Being mindful and compassionate may also create an atmosphere of contentment and cooperation for a small traveling companion. Of course, a bit of preparation really helps, too!

Here are a few ideas for making plane travel with a toddler a positive experience. Many of these you likely do already, but I'm a big fan of checklists because they help me remember those little things...

Before your trip, talk about flying on airplanes.

As early as a couple of weeks before your trip, start talking about it with your toddler. Then he will know what to expect and it will give you a chance to confront any anxieties ahead of time. It also helps build excitement and honors your child by letting him be involved in trip planning. The day before the trip, remind him of what you will be doing the next day.

Watch videos of planes landing and taking off, both from the inside and outside.

Although your toddler has likely seen planes in the air and might even have a toy plane, these are quite different than what traveling by plane actually looks like. I'm not sure if all kids would like this as much as my son did, but this step was a total hit! He loved watching airplane videos. Avoid images of plane crashes. Here are a few links to airplane videos to get you started:

Airplanes taking off: Planes taking off

Eight minutes of many different planes taking off.

Airplanes landing: Boeing 787 First Flight landing video at Boeing Field.flv

Over 4 minutes long with just one plane, but it's filmed from a great angle where you can see the plane go safely from the sky to the ground.

Airplanes from the inside: Kids on a plane!

This is a long (16 min) video but it's great because it shows door-to-door travel for a family with four kids. It includes loading the car with suitcases, riding to the airport, going through security, walking through the airport, boarding the plane, take-off and landing...all with kids!

Talk about your destination. Who are you going to visit? Where will you stay? What kinds of activities are you likely to do there? YouTube is a good resource for examples (e.g. kids playing on the beach, kids skiing, etc.). We used Skype to introduce our son to friends who hosted our family. When he met them in person the first time, he was already somewhat familiar with them.

Pack ahead of time. Pick out what clothes to take ahead of time to avoid doing last-minute laundry. Be sure to include travel clothes, keeping in mind the different climates of home, destination, and airplane. Also set aside (read, hide) any toys you want to bring on the plane. Even if you can't get all of this packed into your bags, just having them selected and set aside will prevent a lot of stress and conflicts when you do pack. I'm usually a last-minute packer, but I managed to pick out what I needed a whole week before our last trip and I was so glad I did!

Pack your carry-on thoughtfully. When choosing toys or books to bring, consider your toddler's interests, energy level, and temperament. For us, having familiar items mattered far more than any new one we brought. Extra clothes for temperature fluctuations or messes can also help keep your toddler comfortable. A blanket, scarf, or pillow from home can help create comfort and privacy for nursing or napping during the flight.

Bring a good supply of snacks, food and drinks. A hungry toddler is a cranky toddler. Unless you plan to rely on airline food and airport snacks, prepare and bring your own. Remember that these will have to last the entire door-to-door trip, i.e. from the time you leave your house until you arrive at your lodging. That can turn a 5 hour plane ride into a whole day's worth of meals. Note that milk in bottles is allowed to pass through security, but water is not (brilliant, right?).

Consider using noise-reduction headphones at the airport or on the plane. If your toddler is easily overstimulated, these are a great "toy" to bring along. You don't need to buy the expensive ones, either. For a sensitive individual, background noise can agitate the nerves and interfere with focus and concentration. In toddlers, this over-stimulation can lead to extreme fussiness. This is easily relieved by donning a noise-reduction headset...even if it doesn't fit quite right.

On travel days, let go of schedules. Focus on your toddler's cues for hunger or fatigue rather than looking at the clock.This makes even more sense if you're changing time zones. A new environment can throw off even the most regular toddler biorhythms.

Allow plenty of time at the airport before boarding the plane. Avoid the need to rush your toddler by showing up early at the airport -- at least earlier than you ordinarily would. Having time to explore the new environment will also make it more fun. Airports with long open walkways and chairs to climb provide plenty of ways for a high energy toddler to burn off energy before you cram onto a plane.

Get your toddler involved when passing through security. Show your toddler where all the bags come out on the other side of the tunnel, aka X-ray machine. Avoid taking away that beloved plush toy (or other belonging) amidst strangers and commotion because it can be unnecessarily distressing. Instead, let him copy you by placing it on the conveyor belt himself. Security should allow you to hold his hand and walk through the metal detector together. If not, make it a fun game for him to follow you through.

Bring a baby carrier for getting around the airport. When you need to move quickly or safely, it's a whole lot easier to wear your toddler. Small carriers, like the Ergo or a sling, won't be counted as carry-on baggage. A larger carrier, such as a Kelty backpack carrier, may count as carry-on (check with your airline), but you can ask the flight attendants to stow it for you (typically you just leave it at the end of the jet bridge).

Car seats and strollers. Be sure to check with your airline ahead of time. You should be able to check a car seat for no extra charge. It will be loaded on the plane separately from the luggage with large and bulky items, so you don't have to worry about damage. Some airports and airlines supply a plastic bag for the car seat, others do not. Strollers can be taken all the way to the jet bridge where the flight attendants will help stow it for you. Again, be sure to check with your airline for restrictions.

Board the airplane early. When they call for passengers who need extra time to board, or those flying with infants, go! We passed on this opportunity once and will not do it again. It's much easier to allow a toddler time to walk through the jet bridge, time to walk through the aisles, and time to investigate the back of the seat when a person isn't actually seated there. Plus, you'll have your pick of where to stash your carry-ons.

You are free to move about the cabin. Like the airport, the plane itself has some toddler-friendly activities...strolling down the aisles, saying hello to the flight attendants and other children on board, checking out the tiny bathroom. Keep in mind that a captivated, exploring toddler is far less annoying to other passengers than one having a tantrum! For tips on gaining toddler cooperation, check out this post and this one, too.

Have fun. Traveling by plane with a toddler can be an incredibly exciting adventure, especially for first-timers. Enjoy this truly amazing (albeit environmentally costly) experience together...it's part of your vacation!

Do you have any helpful hints for traveling with a toddler? I'd love to hear your experiences!

Kreativ Blogger Award (or, 7 Things About Me)

2011-11-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

I recently received my first blogger "award", The Kreativ Blogger award. This blogger-love-sharing award was passed on to me by Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama (thanks!). The rules for accepting the award state that I must:

· Share seven things about myself

· Pass on the award to ten deserving bloggers

So, here are a few things about me:

1. I'm short. Like, as in 5 feet tall, short. I also love being small because I can still fit on some kids equipment. Fun!

2. I appreciate a dark sense of humor. I love parody, satire, and sarcasm. Unfortunately, these are totally inappropriate when gentle parenting a young child so you will rarely see this side of me on my blog.

3. I also love toilet humor. I think farts are hilarious, not because they are "forbidden" but because the sound of a fart is inherently hilarious (pfffft!prrrrp!bllp!). Fortunately, this type of humor is totally appropriate for gentle parenting so it may slip in from time to time. I hope my readers are not too offended.

4. In my early 20's, I believed that Bob Marley was my soul mate -- we were just born too many years apart. I still love reggae and value his lyrical messages about love and simple living, but my husband has my heart.

5. My mother and I are both non-native English speakers. Actually, I was bilingual when I first started talking but English has been my primary language most of my life.

6. Before the age of 22, I had circumnavigated the planet twice. I paid for it entirely by myself, mostly with crappy, minimum wage jobs. Choosing to travel rather than go to college right away was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

7. Although I have a master's degree in evolutionary biology (also self-funded by scholarships, work, and loans), I have been a "jack-of-all-trades, master of none". I have been a bread slicer in a bakery, an au pair, a shiatsu masseuse, a deck hand, a scuba diver, a cancer researcher, a teacher, a bird surveyor, and many other professions, both exciting and dull. Being a full-time mother has ~~allowed~~ compelled me to change and grow in ways that no adventure ever has before. I am perpetually grateful to have this amazing "job."

Now for the second part of the award: who to pass the award on to next.

There are many blogs that I love and follow. Some have already received this award so I've purposely left them out to give others a chance to participate (if any on my list have already participated, I apologize). At the risk of creating an annoying chain-letter type of phenomenon, I didn't include every blog on my reader, although they are certainly all "deserving"! Alas, here are the 10 bloggers to whom I pass on the Kreativ Blogger Award:

Sausage Mama and The Sausagettes

Ah, the possibilities!

Kelly Naturally

Code Name: Mama

Fabulous Mama Chronicles

Smiling Like Sunshine

Washing Hair with Baking Soda and Vinegar: An Update

2011-11-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

About 2 months ago, I decided to go no poo and switched from my regular shampoo and conditioner to washing my hair with baking soda and vinegar (for simple instructions, read this). I was skeptical, but willing to give it an honest shot. I played around with different quantities and procedures and have finally settled into a pattern I like. Here's a synopsis of how the switch has gone for me so far:

I started out by using about 1/2 cup baking soda in 2 or 3 cups water. I went for this option because I have full, long hair. I poured the solution on to my scalp, scrubbed as I would regular shampoo, then rinsed it clean. I followed it up by spraying on a 50% distilled vinegar-water solution, then rinsing it out well.

The first few washings like this were fabulous. Then my hair went through a serious funk phase where it felt coarse and not really clean. I still had to wash it every other day, contrary to what I expected. This lasted about 2 weeks, after which my hair seemed to get progressively worse. Icky. I almost gave up and went back to regular shampoo, but I remembered that it takes a minimum of two weeks for hair to change pH and adapt to the no poo regime.

So I tinkered around with the ingredients. I thought maybe my hair was greasier than I believed, so I increased the baking soda concentration by making a paste instead of a liquid solution. I tried eliminating the vinegar step. Super ick!! My hair felt crunchy and I could hardly comb through it. Gross.

I also tried spraying my hair with vinegar first and then washing it with the baking soda. That was only nominally better so I went back to my original plan but I cut back the baking soda and used more vinegar since my hair felt so dry.

After about 6 weeks (!!!) of using baking soda and vinegar, my hair magically transformed. The change from icky to beautiful hair happened quite suddenly. I was relieved because, like I said, I almost gave up a few times. Maybe my hair took that long to adjust or maybe I finally hit the right concoction. Or both.

This is how I currently wash my hair:

I now use about 1/4 cup baking soda dissolved in ~1.5-2 cups water. I put the baking soda in an empty 16 oz bottle of Dr. Bronner's (a funnel is very useful for this part) and take it in the shower with me. I get my hair soaked through, then massage the scalp thoroughly to loosen dirt and oil. I rinse again with plain water. Then I add warm shower water to my Dr. Bronner's bottle of baking soda, maybe 3/4 full of water. I shake it up good then squirt it on my head, starting at the crown. My hair is long and there's a lot of it so I like that I can squirt the baking soda solution directly where I want it. I massage and scrub my scalp really well and do a quick rinse. I repeat the wash with what's left in the bottle (maybe half?), then finish by gently rubbing the length and ends of my hair between my hands. I rinse well, then squeeze out extra water from my hair. Next comes the vinegar. I still use a 50% solution of just plain white distilled vinegar that I keep in a spray bottle for all my other cleaning. Since my hair is somewhat dry and pretty long, I spray quite a lot on, concentrating on the ends. I comb through it with a pick (I know I've used enough vinegar if this is easy to do), then let the vinegar sit in there a minute while I wash my face. Finally, I rinse out the vinegar. Yes, the smell comes out! At this point, I only have to wash my hair about twice per week. I save money and time! Fabulous!

I'm glad I stuck with the baking soda and vinegar because it really is so much better than any shampoo/conditioner I've used. My hair is always clean. It's shiny and full of body. It's soft and easy to get my fingers, a comb or brush through. The natural waves are bouncy and beautiful (if I do say so myself!). When my hair is dirty, the natural oils just seem to nurture it rather than make it grimy. I can easily adjust the baking soda and vinegar proportions when conditions change so my hair maintains its health through rain, low humidity, heat or cold (we've had weird fall weather so I've had to do this).

So if you're in doubt, still experimenting, or just curious, I really encourage you to give baking soda and vinegar a try. Just be prepared to spend a few weeks waiting for your hair to adapt to not having the natural oils stripped. And don't be afraid to experiment and play around with your own concoction. It is so worth it!

Any questions or concerns? Want to share your experiments with no 'poo? Please leave a note, I'd love to hear from you!

Cooking With a High-Needs Toddler

2011-11-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids in the Kitchen

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how kids get involved in cooking and feeding. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Nowhere else has my mothering evolved quite as much as in the kitchen. Our first year, cooking was disastrous and heartbreaking. In addition to being premature, my son was what Dr. Sears calls a "high needs baby." Cooking while caring for my son was so stressful that I nearly lost my love for the culinary arts altogether. In the second year, I've gone through phases of trial and error, acceptance, compromise, finding balance, and finally being able to involve Munchkin in my cooking. These days, I love preparing wholesome meals and having him work by my side.

Part of Munchkin's profile is a need to be directly involved in whatever I am doing and to do it with me. It's a bit beyond the "normal" level of toddler interest and imitation. His need for connection is intense, demanding, and very real. Without direct involvement or constant undivided attention from me, he quickly becomes a very unhappy camper -- whining, crying, clinging, acting out. If his needs aren't met during the day, he'll save the emotions for nighttime when they bubble up as nightmares.

Tasks like cooking, then, have been a particular challenge for us. Frequent, prolonged interruptions made for burnt, overcooked food, limited menu options, or at best, very awkward cooking experiences. I gave up babywearing in the kitchen early on because it simply wasn't safe with his wiggling and reaching; riding in back wouldn't satisfy him, either. These days he can sometimes entertain himself for a few minutes at a time, but certainly not long enough for me to prepare a meal.

That is, until I found the right equipment. Through my research on Montessori philosophy and practices, I learned about these special stools (e.g. the Learning Tower) that would allow a small child to work safely at counter level. I thought we could really benefit from one because it would allow Munchkin to engage with me directly and participate in kitchen work. He could even have his own cooking project along side me.

Sometimes the universe is good to you and you get a break just when you need one. We found a used Steffy Wood Products I Can Reach step stool for $50 at a preschool yard sale and it literally changed our lives. We have used it almost every day since then. It's not quite as fancy as the Learning Tower, but it does the trick!

On his stool (or "tooh" as he calls it), Munchkin is safe and at just the right height to work at the kitchen counter or sink. He also enjoys working at a small stand loaded with kitchen activities just for him. For example, I can set him up with a "pouring game" next to me while I chop veggies. I give him dried beans, a spoon and a few containers. He transfers the beans from one container to the other.

With an extra tray and towel, he can do it with water instead or work at the kitchen sink.

I also gave him a set of wood vegetables and cutting board for "cutting" alongside me (similar to these from Melissa and Doug, but we found a cheaper set elsewhere) . He could stay focused on either of these tasks, without needing much from me, for up to 10 minutes. Wow! Is that my kid?!

With such a turnaround, I've been able to take the Montessori approach to the next level (for great information and resources, check out Living Montessori Now). Now, I invite Munchkin to participate in my kitchen work. He helps me wash vegetables and measure rice. He helps pour, stir, and sort as part of my prep work. He's not even two years old. Yes, his help is messier, but not as messy as a lonely, upset toddler with a cup of milk in the next room. Yes, it takes longer than cooking by myself, but not nearly as long as it took to cook anything when he was younger or not directly involved. More importantly, we are engaged and connected while we cook. This new system satisfies my need to enjoy preparing something I enjoy eating, and it satisfies his need to be woven into my tasks. Like I said, that stool was life changing!

The other big factor in regaining my love of cooking comes from a transformed attitude that underlies many of the adjustments to becoming a mother. Acceptance. Compromise. Letting go. And a whole lotta patience. Now, I'm aware of our limitations and recognize that many of them are temporary. Today's unbearable need will be tomorrow's forgotten plight. I more readily accept interruptions. I plan better so that we're never rushed to get dinner ready. I'm more flexible with when and how I cook. I'm a lot less perfectionist about the process and the end product. I've learned to welcome new tools, new practices, and new ideas that I might not have used otherwise. Because there are still hard days and there always will be. Being open to creative change makes it possible to get through those rough patches. It's certainly made it possible for me to love cooking again and I dare say Munchkin loves it, too!

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Baking & letting go — Cooking with kids can be a mess. Nadia at Red White & GREEN Mom is learning to relax, be patient, and have fun with the process.
Family feeding in Child of Mine — Lauren at Hobo Mama reviews Ellyn Satter's suggestions for appropriate feeding and points out where her family has problems following through.
Children with Knives! (And other Kitchen Tools) — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy teaches her children how to safely use knives.
"Mommy, Can I Help?" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how she lets her kiddos help out with cooking, despite her {sometimes} lack of patience!
Solids the Second Time Around — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts her experiences introducing solids to her second child.
The Adventure of Toddler Tastebuds — The Accidental Natural Mama shares a few things that helped her daughter develop an adventurous palate.
A Tradition of Love — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy looks forward to sharing the kitchen traditions passed on from her mom and has already found several ways to involve baby in the kitchen.
The Very Best Classroom — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts reveals how her kitchen is more than a place to make food - it's a classroom!
Raising Little Chefs — Chef Mike guest posts on Natural Parents Network about how he went from a guy who couldn't cook to a chef who wanted to teach his boys to know how the food we love is made.
In the Kitchen with my kids — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares a delicious soup recipe that her kids love.
Papa, the Pancake Artist — Papa's making an incredible breakfast over at Our Mindful Life.
Kids won't eat salad? Try this one! — Tat at Mum in Search is sharing her children's favourite salad recipe.
Recipe For a Great Relationship — Cooking with kids is about feeding hearts as well as bellies, writes Hannah at Wild Parenting.
The Ritual of Mealtimes — Syenna at Gently Parenting Twins writes about the significance of mealtimes in her family’s daily rhythm.
Kid, Meet Food. Food, Kid. — Alburnet at What's Next? panicks about passing on her food "issues" to her offspring.
Growing Up in the Kitchen — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life shares how her son is growing up in the kitchen.
Harvesting Corn and History — From Kenna at School Garden Year: The kids in the school garden harvest their corn and learn how much history grows in their food.
My Guiding Principles for Teaching my Child about Food — Tree at Mom Grooves uses these guiding principles to give her daughter a love of good food and an understanding of nutrition as well as to empower her to make the best choices for her body.
Kitchen Control — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro writes about her struggles to relinquish control in the kitchen to her children.
Food — Emma at Your Fonder Heart lets her seven month old teach her how to feed a baby.
Kitchen Fun? — Adrienne at Mommying My Way questions how much fun she can have in a non-functional kitchen, while trying to remain positive about the blessings of cooking for her family.
Kitchen Adventures — Erica at ChildOrganics shares fun ways to connect with your kids in the kitchen.
Kids in the Kitchen: Finding the Right Tools — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares some of her favorite child-sized kitchen gadgets and where to find them.
The Kitchen Classroom — Laura at Authentic Parenting knows that everything your kids want to learn is at the end of the ladle.
Kids in the Kitchen — Luschka from Diary of a First Child talks about the role of the kitchen in family communication and shares fun kitchen activities for the under two.
Our Kitchen is an Unschooling Classroom. — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle explores the many ways her kitchen has become a rich environment for learning.
Montessori-Inspired Food Preparation for Preschoolers — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares lots of resources for using Montessori food preparation activities for young children in the kitchen.
My Little Healthy Eater — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares her research on what is the best first food for babies, and includes a healthy and yummy breakfast recipe.
Two Boys and Papa in the Kitchen: Recipe for Disaster? — MudpieMama shares all about her fears, joys and discoveries when the boys and handsome hubby took over the kitchen.
Food choices, Food treats — Henrietta at Angel Wings and Herb Tea shares her family's relationship with food.
learning to eat — Catherine at learner mummy reflects on little M's first adventures with food.
The Night My 7-Year-Old Made Dinner — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! shares how her 7-year-old daughter surprised everyone by turning what started as an idea to play restaurant into pulling off making supper for her family.
Cooking With a High-Needs Toddler — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how Montessori-inspired activities and a bit of acceptance have helped her overcome hurdles in cooking while caring for a "high-needs" child.
Kids in the Kitchen – teaching healthy food choices — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her belief in the importance of getting kids into the kitchen using her favorite cookbook for kids to develop healthy food choices now and hopefully into the future.
Make Milk, Not War — Tamara at Tea for Three remembers the daily food fights as she struggled to feed a picky eater.
teaching baby birds about good food. — Sarah at Small Bird on Fire writes about the ways in which her family chooses to gently teach their son how to make wise food decisions.
5 Ways to Enhance Your Baby or Young Toddler's Relationship with Food — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares simple ways to give your child a healthy beginning to her lifelong relationship with food.
Toddler at the Table: 10 Creative Solutions — Moorea at Mamalady shares tips for preventing meal-time power struggles.
How My Child Takes Responsibility During His Mealtime... — Jenny @ I'm a full-time mummy shares how she teaches and encourages her 32 months old son on adopting good manners and responsibilities during his mealtimes...
Kids in the Kitchen: 6 Tips Plus a Recipe — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares six tips for overcoming some of the the difficulties of cooking with multiple young sous chefs, and a recipe they all can agree on!
How BLW has made me a better parent — Zoe at Mummykins shares how baby-led weaning has changed her approach to parenting.
My Budding Chef — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom is no cook but is happy that her daughter has shown an inclination and manages to whip up yummy goodies for their family.
Kids in the Kitchen: An Activity for Every Age — Gaby from Tmuffin describes how she keeps her kids busy in the kitchen, whether they are one week old or two years old.
The Phantastically Mutlipurposed Phyllo — Ana at Pandamoly shares how Phyllo is used to create enticing dishes at home! Anything can be made into a Struedel!
Kitchen Kids — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen shares her children's most favorite recipe to make, experience and eat.
Independence vs. Connection in the Kitchen: won't you please get yourself your own snack already? — Lisa at Organic Baby Atlanta wishes her daughter would just go make a mess in the kitchen. But her daughter only wants to do it together.
Grandma Rose's Kitchen — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter reminisces about her childhood and dreams of filling her kitchen with people, love, noise, and messes.
Healthy Food Choices for Kids — Jorje offers one way to encourage children to make their own healthy food choices at MommaJorje.com.
Cooking food to thrive rather than survive — Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales is trying to foster a lifetime of good food habits by teaching her children about the importance of avoiding junk, cooking healthy meals, and learning about the whole food process.
Evolution of a self-led eater — Sheila at A Gift Universe shares the story of how her son grew from nursing around the clock to eating everything in sight, without her having to push.
10 Ways Tiny Helps In The Kitchen — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama explores the ways in which her toddler actively participates in kitchen-related activities.
The Complexity of Feeding a Child — Feeding children a healthy diet is no straight-forward task, but Lisa at My World Edenwild shares some general guidelines to help your child thrive.
Lactation Cookies — That Mama Gretchen shares a fun recipe that will benefit both mamas and babies!
50 of the Best Books, Websites, & Resources to Inspire Kids in the Kitchen — Need inspiration to get your kids in the kitchen? Dionna at Code Name: Mama rounds up some of the best books and websites that can serve as a source for ideas, recipes, and cooking with littles fun.
A 4-year-old's smoothie recipe — Jen at Grow With Graces and her son set out to make a smoothie without the usual ingredients. She let him improvise. See how it turned out.
Independent Food Preparation (My Toddler Can Do That?) — Megan at Montessori Moments shares simple ways for children to prepare their own healthy snacks.
Follow Your Gut — Amy at Anktangle shares her philosophy about intuitive eating, and how she's trying to foster her son's trust in his own inner wisdom when he feels hungry.
A TODDLER-STYLE LUNCH + RECIPE — Manic Mrs. Stone photographs how to have messy fun during lunchtime with a helpful toddler.

Learning To Work Through Frustration

2011-11-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

Munchkin was futzing around, poking a stick into his box of balls. He must have been trying to get something out, or move the balls around, or some other inventive task that only a toddler finds captivating. I was doing my own futzing, dashing about here and there to get ready for our outing to the park. I heard him fuss, the usual whiny groan of exasperation. I waited. Usually he wails and asks for help right away. In the past, I often went to him quickly because his screeching grates on my nerves. Over time, however, I've been gradually extending the time before I offer him help. I'd like to give him a chance to work things out himself. I'd also like to give myself a chance to cope better with his cries without getting frustrated as well.

"I think you can do it," has been my new mantra. I encourage him to repeat the task on his own, at least if it is one that I am certain he is capable of doing. Yet so often, his frustration takes over. His motor skills won't allow him to do whatever it is he is trying to do. This seems to upset him deeply. I know I can too, Mama. But my little hands just can't move that way! I imagine him thinking.

The ball and stick fiasco was one of those times when his frustration just escalated into sharp shrieks and woeful cries. I thought it was a good opportunity to help him with a coping skill that I use when I'm frustrated.

"Hey, will you look at me?" I went up close to Munchkin and made eye contact with him, arresting his focus away from the anger. "Look at me. Good. Now take a deep breath. (I demonstrate) Can you take a deep breath?" He imitated me and took a breath with obvious effort.

"Niiice. OK, now try again. I think you can do it." I gestured toward the stick and balls. "Oh, look, you did it!" A little, bouncy green ball popped out and Munchkin smiled with pride.

This is a scene we've played out over and over again, but not just with the ball and stick. It could be anything Munchkin is trying to do himself. Loud squeal. Mama breathes. Munchkin breathes. Try again. We've been working on it for months. I work on getting past my own frustration as I watch him learn to do the same.

On rough days, he can't quite ever get past the angst, and the poor guy collapses into my arms for solace and relief. I hold him through his anger, letting him cry or scream. I want him to know that whether he succeeds or fails, whether he is angry at himself or the world, I am there for him and I love him. After a few moments, he recovers and we either return to the source of his frustration to conquer it or we find a new task. It's always his choice.

On good days, he remembers to slow down and breathe. He gets past the frustration. So do I.

Let Your Body Do the Shopping

2011-10-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

The other day I had some precious time to run errands by myself. I was exhausted and feeling pretty low. Our whole family had been sick, we were sleep-deprived, Munchkin had been whiny, cranky, over-sensitive and clingy, and I hadn't had much of a break for almost 2 weeks. Self-care had taken a backseat for too long. My reserves were tapped and I needed to nurture myself.

Courtesy art.com

I bought myself some personal supplies that I'd been needing for way too long (did I mention that I'd neglected self-care?), then felt I wanted to get myself a little something extra. You know, something I didn't need, but something that would pamper me a bit.

I don't eat much junk food, but I do enjoy it, especially as a treat. So I eyed the candy aisle looking for something sweet and delectable, something to soothe my weary soul. There were literally dozens of items to choose from. A few caught my eye, and I even picked up one or two chocolates. Well, bags of chocolate. I realized that I only wanted one, not a whole bag. I just wanted a treat, not diabetes.

Then I slowed down. I fell back into myself, my tired, drained, worn-out self who desperately needed some TLC. I tuned into my body and felt the fatigue, the lingering sadness. Then a question popped into my mind as I examined each possible choice of treat:

"Is that going to make me feel better?"

I searched and searched. Obviously, I was in the wrong store, because the answer was a pervasive NO. I imagined how I would feel after consuming one of those "treats" and my body rejected each and every one. None of those bags of goodies spoke to me with love. None of those sweets had anything nice to say to my body, a body who was listening, watching, and waiting for sustenance.

It's not that I think all junk food is bad all the time, either. I eat ice-cream every Friday night! But good ice-cream, not garbage. The chocolates in that store were just garbage, though, and my body detected it. Thankfully, I was listening.

I left the store without a special treat and went home to enjoy the rest of my short break in silence and solitude. My body relished the peace, the almost foreign quiet. Thank you, I could almost hear it say.

Still wanting to spoil myself, I grabbed a piece of high-quality, dark chocolate truffle from my own stash. Mmmmm. I savored it along with the last few minutes of solace before the boys came home.

What's Wrong With Messy?

2011-10-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

Courtesy Flickr

One of our local playgrounds has a delightful sandbox, fully equipped with a spigot of running water. The water splashes down through pavement and rocks, then enters the sandbox down below. Kids love to run over to push the button to activate the water, about 6 feet away, then dash back to splash in the water coming out. Sometimes the button gets stuck or kids push it repeatedly. Then the corner of the sandbox fills with water...enough water to splash feet, dig moats, and get very, very messy.

I've seen two patterns emerge at this sandbox, especially around the water. The most common one is the Forbidden Zone pattern. Toddlers and babies, in particular, are shuttled away from this Forbidden Zone of sand and water. Many of them never get a chance to touch either one. Some brave, well-meaning parents let their little ones explore a few moments, until the first splash of water gets on those oh-so-cute clothes. Then the game is over in a split second, ending with cries of defeat, loss, and frustration. From expressions on the parents' faces, I'm guessing they feel pretty deflated, too.

The other pattern I've seen is one of Oh Well, Here We Go. Parents remove their child's shoes gently and sometimes pant legs get rolled up. Often these kids are accompanied by a few sand toys to share. They make their mess and when it's time to go, they use the running water to rinse off the sand. Some just play in the water the whole time, getting soaked to varying degrees. The only remorseful parting cries are those from the kid who wants to play longer.

Today I met one of these mothers who admitted to having once been a Forbidden Zone mom. I never would have guessed, watching her 3 year-old daughter romp in the wet sand, caked up to the knees. She didn't even bother taking off shoes or rolling up her pants. Instead, her mom helped fill the bucket with water over and over again. Munchkin and the little girl took turns pouring water through a funnel. Some of the water spilled all around them, some splashed in the sand, and a good portion splattered all over Munchkin and the little girl. The girl and her mother just kept filling the bucket for us. Eventually Munchkin and the little girl were wading ankle deep in sand and water, stomping, splashing, kicking.

"Wow, that's cool that you let her get all messy," I remarked to the girl's mom.

"Well, you know, if you'd talked to me 3 years ago, it'd be different. But eventually I thought, you know, why fight it? She loves getting messy!" the girl's mom explained.

I smiled deeply. I recognized the personal evolution. From Blech! What a mess! I don't want to clean that up! to What's wrong with messy? While I don't enjoy cleaning up Munchkin's relentless messes (spilled milk, pee on the floor, crushed cereal under foot, etc., etc.), I have gotten better at dealing with them. Thanks to a suggestion from Hobo Mama, I now exaggerate any annoyance to a point that just makes us both laugh. I also allow Munchkin ample opportunity to get messy within safe boundaries, like this park with the awesome sandbox.

Watching this woman and her sand-covered daughter reminded me of something else about messes and children: acceptance. It's amazing what a little acceptance will do for a mother. Of course, having a spare change of clothes handy helps, too.

What are your views on letting kids get messy? Please do tell, I'd love to hear from you!

When Gratitude is Better Than Praise

2011-10-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

I try to avoid overuse and misuse of the phrase "Good job!" when talking to my son. This type of "empty" praise is a value judgment that can lead to an array of self-esteem, autonomy, and relationship issues (check out this article for a primer). Therefore, I'm always looking for more constructive and meaningful things to say. Like many great ideas, this one came about while I was on the, uh, porcelain throne...

Usually, I tend to let empty TP rolls pile up in the bathroom before I take them to the recycling bin because I get lazy or immediately distracted by my messy toddler. Once, I decided to give Munchkin a chance to do it for me while I was - ahem - occupied. When the toilet paper roll ran out, I handed it to him and asked if he could please take it to the recycling bin (if he could get me a new roll, that would be even better!). In our house, this task means carrying the empty roll down the hallway, through another room, opening a pocket door, putting the empty TP roll in the bin, then closing the pocket door using the hard-to-grab latch. This is a multiple-step task that requires dexterity, memory, and the ability to stay focused on task - no easy feat for a young toddler! I didn't really expect Munchkin to actually make it all the way to the recycling bin and back, at least not without unloading a stack of papers or other mess. But I thought 2 minutes of privacy might be worth the chance.

To my surprise and delight, he did it! He placed the empty roll in the recycling bin, closed the door behind him and came back to inform me. I felt the urge to say, "Good job!" because I was so impressed. I resisted, although I'm sure I let out a "Wow, you did it!" When I realized I was also incredibly grateful for the help, I added, "Thank you, Munchkin! That's very helpful."

This got me thinking. I realized I had a new and incredibly valuable new tool in my arsenal of unconditional parenting techniques.

Instead of offering praise for Munchkin's helpful "achievements", I offer him gratitude and appreciation whenever appropriate. Anytime he "accomplishes" a skill or task, especially a new or difficult one, that is helpful to me or others in some way I say "Thank you, that's very helpful. I appreciate it." I don't exaggerate the gratitude, I just say it simply and honestly.

It makes so much sense. When an adult does me a favor, I don't flatter them by saying "Nice work, you're a good helper!" No, I say thank you. Why would I treat my toddler any differently? If I want to teach him to be helpful, it seems like being gracious and appreciative will go a lot further than telling him "good job." With honest gratitude from me, he may begin to feel the joy of giving instead of the joy of getting his ego stroked.

Here are a few examples of typical toddler situations where I find saying "thank you" is more appropriate than saying "good job":

· putting waste in the trash, recycling bin, etc.

· picking up toys

· opening or closing a door

· picking out shoes or clothes

· putting clothes in the laundry bin

· putting clothes in the washer or dryer

· returning an item to its stored location after use

· selecting an item from its location for use

· carrying groceries or other items to or from the car or bike

· helping wash vegetables

· pouring rice into the rice cooker

· when I ask "Can you help me to...?" and he is able to, and does

· and of course...flushing the toilet

On the flip side, I avoid showing disappointment or disapproval if he can't or won't do the favor I've asked. After all, favors are just that - favors. They aren't obligations.

The best part is that it feels good to say thank you to him. It feels right. It feels genuine and real and respectful. I don't get that feeling from saying "good job." I'm guessing he doesn't, either. With a healthy dose of genuine appreciation for his helpful efforts - not empty praise - it's likely he will grow into someone who enjoys helping others. And I bet he'll do a "good job" at that, too.

Do you have useful alternatives to saying "good job"?

Punishment and Praise at the Playground

2011-10-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

The other day at the playground, I heard it happen again. It came out in that pseudo-gentle, condescending tone with an understated, forced calm.

Courtesy Flickr

It was the threat of a "time-out".

Ineffective, invalidating, meaningless time-out.

"Uh-oh. Does someone need a time-out? Come over here and sit," the boy's mother said.

Little Tommy had cried because he wanted the ball in my son's hand. Tommy lay on the ground, quite upset. At his mother's prompt for a time-out, Tommy obediently moved over 3 feet from where he was crying, presumably into time-out position. His whining and complaining didn't stop, despite his mother's instructions to settle down. He repeatedly tried to move back towards me and Munchkin.

I offered my own words of validation for Tommy: "You want the ball, but Munchkin is having a turn right now. It's really hard to wait, isn't it? When he's done, you can have a turn." (incidentally, Tommy ended up waiting about 5 minutes, after which Munchkin happily gave him the ball).

I said nothing more, but I did have two immediate thoughts:

1) Tommy is two and a half. He's crying because he wants something he can't have at this moment. Crying seems like a pretty natural and age-appropriate thing to do in the situation.

2) What behavior was he supposed to exhibit to in order prevent the time-out?

But I get it. His mother wants to teach him to interact nicely with other children, so she punished him for...what, exactly? For acting his age? For behaving in a "normal" but socially unacceptable way (for adults, that is)? For being sad? Maybe his mom really just wanted him to withdraw from the situation, to find entertainment in something else. Maybe what she meant is that he should be patient while waiting for his turn. I wondered how Tommy interpreted the time-out.

About a half hour later, I heard something else that struck me just as hard. It came out in that mellifluous, exaggerated cheerleader voice, with an overstated, hyper-excited positive tone.

It was praise.

Empty, blanketed, unattached praise.

"Good digging, Tommy!" the boy's mother exclaimed.

I watched silently and had two immediate thoughts:

1) He's two and a half. He's in a sandbox and has a shovel. Digging seems like a pretty natural thing to do in that situation.

2) What would "bad" digging look like? Is there a way for a toddler to dig in the sand that's incorrect or morally reprehensible?

But I get it. His mom wanted to praise him for...what, exactly? For acting his age? For behaving in a "normal" and socially acceptable way? For having fun? Maybe she really just wanted to connect with him. Maybe what she meant was that she was happy to see him enjoying himself in the sand, not throwing it. I wondered how Tommy interpreted her remark.

Now, I can't read minds and I don't even know Tommy and his mother. But I'm pretty sure that without reading any research about the harm of both praise and punishment Tommy is already making his own conclusions about how he is treated. I imagine it's something like: Mommy isn't nice to me when I cry, but she's nice when I'm happy.

Or maybe he's reasoned: If I express my unhappiness about coveting another child's toy, then I make my mom uncomfortable. Instead, I should ask politely and then patiently wait my turn...or I'll end up in a time-out. If I'm having fun and not causing any trouble, then I make myself and my mommy happy... then she compliments me and I feel even better.

Sound crazy? Far-fetched? Too judgmental? Perhaps.

Like I said, I can't read minds. But I can wonder about the child's perspective. And I do, I always wonder...

What are your thoughts? How do you think children perceive praise and punishment? Do their perceptions matter as much as parental control?

Poor People, Wealthy Ways

2011-10-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Money Matters
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

We have a small family, a small apartment, and even a small dog. We support ourselves on a very, very, very small budget. While there are constraints and stress due to finances, I mostly appreciate our simple, frugal existence. Despite, or perhaps because of, having very little money, I am able to model the behaviors and values I want to teach my son.

I want to teach him that our time together matters more than a career, paycheck, or prestige, so I chose to stay home and raise him instead of going back to work.

I want to teach him the value of life not materialism, so we engage in free or inexpensive activities like hiking, biking, the library, and spending time with friends.

I want to teach him to reuse over and over and over again before recycling, so we buy used as much as possible and are active on Freecycle.

I want to teach him to leave a small footprint, so we live in a 1-bedroom apartment without heating, air conditioning, a washer or a dryer.

I want to teach him to take care of the air he breathes, so we bike to our destinations as often as possible and drive a fuel efficient car.

I want to teach him that people are already beautiful, so I don't spend time or money on hair, clothes, make-up, or jewelry.

I want to teach him that food comes from the earth and animals, so I cook from scratch as much as possible.

I want to teach him that most of what surrounds us in this land of plenty is excess, not necessity...so we indulge in few luxuries.

Even if we could afford to do things differently, I wouldn't significantly change my lifestyle. Finding meaning outside of consumerism is a way of life for me. Parenting my son this way has provided some of the most profound and transformative moments of my life. What's more, my actions today affect the planet that I leave for my son tomorrow. By caring for his earth, I show him the true depth my love.

Courtesy paintinsilove.com

The one big change I'd like is to leave our dark, suburban apartment. I think our dream home would only have one more bedroom but LOTS of space outdoors (and a man cave for my husband). I could spend hours outside unschooling Munchkin, keeping a vegetable garden, observing and caring for animals, hiking, and watching the native grass grow. I could set an even better example of how to live fully and freely. I'm pretty sure Munchkin would blossom and grow as well if nature was out his back door instead of down the road. We would both be more in tune with our humanity, with our earth, and with each other.

Until we can afford to move to a home more in sync with our values, I will continue to mother my son in poverty by monetary standards, but in wealth by my own ethical standards. And I will always try to teach my son how to be rich without money.

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon October 11 with all the carnival links.)

Money Matter$ — Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy shares her experiences on several ways to save money as a parent.
A different kind of life... — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares her utopian life and how it differs from her current one!
Show Me The Money! — Arpita of Up, Down & Natural shares her experience of planning for parenting costs while also balancing the financial aspect of infertility treatments.
Material v Spiritual Wealth - Living a Very Frugal Life with Kids — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her family's realizations about the differences between material and spiritual wealth.
If I Had a Money Tree — Sheila at A Gift Universe lists the things she would buy for her children if money were no object.
Financial Sacrifices, Budgets, and the Single Income Family — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of living within your means, the basics of crafting a budget, and the "real cost" of working outside of the home.
Overcoming My Fear of All Things Financial — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares how she is currently overcoming her fear of money and trying to rectify her ignorance of all things financial.
Confessions of a Cheapskate — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that her cheapskate tendencies that were present pre-motherhood only compounded post-baby.
Money Matters — Witch Mom hates money; here's why.
Money? What Money?! — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts describes how decisions she's made have resulted in little income, yet a green lifestyle for her and her family.
What matters. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life might worry about spending too much money on the grocery budget, but she will not sacrifice quality to save a dollar.
Making Ends Meet — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares about being a working mom and natural parent.
Poor People, Wealthy Ways — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses how existing on very little money allows her to set an example of how to live conscientiously and with love.
The Green Stuff — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares how natural parenting has bettered her budget - and her perspective on creating and mothering.
Jemma's Money — Take a sneak peek at That Mama Gretchen's monthly budget and how Jemma fits into it.
5 Tips for How to Save Time and Money by Eating Healthier — Family meal prep can be expensive and time-consuming without a plan! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips for how to make your cooking life (and budget) easier.
Belonging in the Countryside — Lack of money led Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales towards natural parenting, but it also hinders her from realizing her dream.
Total Disclosure and Total Reform — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl gets down to the nitty gritty of her money problems with hopes that you all can help her get her budget under control.
Save Money by Using What You Have — Gaby at Tmuffin is only good with money because she's lazy, has trouble throwing things away, and is indecisive. Here are some money-saving tips that helped her manage to quit her job and save enough money to become a WAHM.
Two Hippos & Ten Euros: A Lesson in Budgeting — MudpieMama shares all about how her boys managed a tight budget at a recent zoo outing.
ABBA said it — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen ponders where her family has come from, where they are now and her hopes for her children's financial future.
Money vs. Time — Momma Jorje writes about cutting back on junk, bills, and then ultimately on income as well ~ to gain something of greater value: Time.
An Unexpected Cost of Parenting — Moorea at MamaLady shares how medical crises changed how she feels about planning for parenthood.
5 Ways This Stay at Home Mom Saves Money — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares 5 self-imposed guidelines that help her spend as little money as possible.
Frugal Parenting — Lisa at My World Edenwild shares 8 ways she saves money and enriches her family's lives at the same time.
Conscious Cash Conscious — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares her 5 money-conscious considerations that balance her family’s joy with their eco-friendly ideals.
Money, Sex and Having it All — Patti at Jazzy Mama explains how she's willing to give up one thing to get another. (And just for fun, she pretends to give advice on how to build capital in the bedroom.)
Money could buy me ... a clone? — With no local family to help out, Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wants childcare so she can take care of her health.
Spending Intentionally — CatholicMommy loves to budget! Join her to learn what to buy, what not to buy, and, most importantly, where to buy.
New lessons from an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a follow-up guest post from Sam about the latest lessons their four-year-old's learned from having his own spending money.
How to Homeschool without Spending a Fortune — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares tips and links to many resources for saving money while homeschooling from preschool through high school.
It's Not a Baby Crisis. It's Not Even a Professional Crisis. — Why paid maternity leave, you may ask? Rachael at The Variegated Life has some answers.
"Making" Money — Do you like to do-it-yourself? Amy at Anktangle uses her crafty skills to save her family money and live a little greener.
Money On My Mind — Luschka at Diary of a First Child has been thinking about money and her relationship with it, specifically how it impacts on her parenting, her parenting choices, and ultimately her lifestyle.
Spending, Saving, and Finding a Balance — Melissa at The New Mommy Files discusses the various choices she and her family have made that affect their finances, and finds it all to be worth it in the end.
Accounting for Taste — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life shares their budget and talks about how they decided food is the most important item to budget for.
Money Matters... But Not Too Much — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting shares how her family approaches money without putting too much of a focus onto it.
Parenting While Owning a Home Business — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Lauren at Hobo Mama lays out the pros and cons of balancing parenting with working from home.
Crunchy Living is SO Expensive...Or Is It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about her biggest objection to natural living - and her surprise at what she learned.
Mo' Money, Mo' Problems — Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how a financial accountability partner changed her family's finances.
The Importance of Food Planning — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro discusses how food budgeting and planning has helped her, even if she doesn't always do it.
Kids & Money: Starting an Allowance for Preschoolers — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses her family's approach and experiences with starting an allowance for preschoolers.

How to Wash Hair With Baking Soda and Vinegar

2011-09-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by a recent post from Jazzy Mama to try washing my hair with baking soda. I've been curious to try this alternative to regular shampoo for awhile so I leapt at the challenge.

Well, maybe not leapt, but walked carefully and intentionally towards. As with most new things I do in life, I started with some research on the subject. I had lots of questions because, honestly, I'm pretty careful with my long, wavy hair. I love my locks. What could baking soda and vinegar to do to my beloved hair??!! How much baking soda? How much vinegar? Will it get clean? Will I still need to condition my hair?

My research answered all my questions, although there seem to be as many variations on baking soda and vinegar hair wash as there are commercial hair products! Here, I've distilled them down (no pun intended) and compiled the results in an easy to follow format. I've also included a nerdy little table with examples of how much baking soda and vinegar some people use (with links, of course).

If you're not already a regular user of baking soda and vinegar or part of the no 'poo revolution, I urge you to give it a try. I was skeptical that it would work on my hair type (dry, except at the crown), but after my first attempt, I was hooked! My hair immediately felt lighter and healthier. It felt much better than I expected...much better than any number of shampoo and conditioners I've tried. I'll keep playing with the concentrations, but I have no doubt that no 'poo will work for me long term. I'm sure it can work for you, too!

Here's all you need to know to wash your hair with baking soda and vinegar:

Baking soda Hair Wash

Ingredients: Good old household baking soda (sodium bicarbonate) and water (tap, distilled, filtered, rain...)

Quantity: Proportions vary from a paste to 1 Tablespoon in 1.5 cups water. Use less baking soda for dryer hair, more for greasy hair. See chart below for some examples.

Preparation: Mix the baking soda and warm water with a cup and spoon, shake it up in an old shampoo bottle, or use whatever works for your mixing needs. Most prepare the mix right before using, others make a stock and reuse it (note: if you're a baker, you know that the chemical reaction from baking soda starts when it mixes with the wet ingredients; seems like it's best to make the soda 'shampoo' fresh each time).

Hair Washing Instructions: Wet hair thoroughly, then massage the soda mixture into roots and scalp. Ends may be avoided, especially for long or dry, brittle hair (ends will get clean from run-off). Rinse well and avoid contact with eyes. The Dry Alternative: Work soda (~half a handful) into hair before getting into shower, then rinse it out well in shower (but see baker's note above).

Frequency: Use baking soda every time you wash your hair OR use it occasionally to remove build-up.

Vinegar Hair Rinse

Ingredients: Use apple cider vinegar (ACV) or white vinegar. Organic ACV has dead yeast and bacteria (good for hair?). Note that some ACVs don't use corn syrup instead of apples, so be sure to check the label. Avoid "sticky" vinegars, such as balsamic.

Quantity: Amounts range from 1 undiluted tablespoon applied directly to wet hair to a 25% solution (poured or sprayed on wet hair). Use more vinegar for dry or frizzy hair, less vinegar for oily hair. See chart below for some examples.

Preparation: Vinegar may be poured directly from the cap or mixed with water in a cup, bottle, or spray bottle.

Hair Rinsing Instructions: There are four ways to rinse with vinegar:

1) after applying the baking soda and rinsing it out (as you would regular shampoo and conditioner), OR

2) after the baking soda wash, but before rinsing the soda out, OR

3) skip the baking soda altogether and just rinse hair well with water first, OR

4) spray it on your hair before applying the baking soda.

In any case, rinse and wet hair thoroughly, then apply the vinegar. Avoid eyes. If the baking soda has been washed out of your hair (or not used), then rinsing the vinegar out with water is optional. Note that using vinegar at all is optional as well!

Frequency: Use it every time you wash (with baking soda), or just once in awhile as needed, such as when hair is dry, frizzy, or needs some shine.

General Notes

· Baking soda is a mild abrasive that cleans hair very well without removing natural oils.

· Vinegar helps seal the hair shaft, adding extra shine and softness. Lemon juice may be used instead of vinegar.

· The odor of vinegar will rinse out and quickly dissipate from hair.

· Baking soda and water will not create a sudsy lather like regular shampoo. It will feel a bit gritty, but the grit will rinse out in the shower.

· If you use baking soda and vinegar on your hair at the same time, you will hearing fizzing and popping as the two compounds react to clean your hair.

· Users of baking soda and/or vinegar all say the same thing: they love it more than their old shampoo!

· You will not need to use regular shampoo or conditioner if you use baking soda and/or vinegar on your hair.

· It takes at least 2 weeks for hair to adjust to the new regime. During the transition period, your hair may be icky (unusually greasy or dry, not feeling clean, etc.). It may also take some experimentation to get the right soda and vinegar concentrations for your hair type. Hang in there, it will get better!

· One advocate of baking soda hair wash made the transition slowly over the course of a year: she gradually switched to baking soda by adding small amounts to regular shampoo to increase lather. Over time, she was down to just a drop of shampoo and mostly baking soda, then eventually only baking soda.

· Users of baking soda and/or vinegar repot that they need to wash their hair less frequently than with regular shampoo. Some only wash their hair every 4 or 5 days, others who skip the baking soda only use vinegar once a week or less!

· Concentrations of either baking soda or vinegar can be adjusted over time or according to conditions. For example, if your hair is extra dirty, wash it with a bit more baking soda. During drier times of year, you can increase the vinegar to keep your hair from getting frizzy.

· The type of water in your shower may affect the results. With softer water, you might not need the vinegar rinse very often, if at all.

· Baking soda and vinegar are considerably cheaper than commercial shampoos and conditioners, they are composed of fewer chemicals, and there is less packing per unit used.

Examples of Quantities Used for Baking Soda and Vinegar Hair Wash and Rinse

Baking Soda Mixture	Vinegar Mixture	Source
1Tbsp baking soda + 1 cup of water	2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar	Jazzy Mama
1/2 cup baking soda + 2-3 cups warm water	--	Rowdy Kittens
1Tbsp baking soda (~ half a handful), applied to dry hair before shower	25% vinegar	Health Home & Happiness
1/2 cup baking soda + 3 cups warm water	1/2 cup apple cider vinegar	Wise Bread
1-2 Tbsp baking soda + 1-1.5 cups water	1-2 Tbsp vinegar + 1-1.5 cups water	Bright Hub
----	1 capful of apple cider vinegar mixed in a full beaker of water	Druid Network
1-2 Tbsp baking soda, applied to wet hair	Occasionally spray with vinegar before applying baking soda.	The Common Room
Few teaspoons baking soda with enough water to form a paste	1-2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar + 1 cup water	Suite 101:

Do you have an alternative to commercial shampoo and conditioner that you absolutely love? Please share it here!

Turning a Whine Into a Smile

2011-09-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days when your little one just won't stop whining? You know....when every request is intense and needs immediate attention, every bump or mishap is a catastrophe, and every sound out of his mouth is an ear-piercing pitch that grates on the nerves? Those are hard times!

When Munchkin is in one of these moods, my patience wanes with each whine. Still, I try hard to figure out what's bothering him so I can meet whatever unmet need is haunting him (or help him cope without it). Sometimes it's something obvious like teething or illness, but there are plenty of times when I'm not sure what's going on with him.

I guess some of the stuff I've been reading from Aha!Parenting really works because I recently figured out that I could stop the whining when its cause is not physical. I did this by helping him feel connected, competent, and accepted. It was incredibly simple.

First, I took a moment to re-center myself. I was getting flustered with the whining, so this was a crucial first step. I have a favorite chair where I go for deep breathing...it works magic! One thought that really helps me is to remember that it's not his fault he's cranky. He's just a little kid, a toddler with immature coping skills. After relaxing into myself, I could then think clearly and act with compassion, rather than react with irritation.

Next, I spent a few moments connecting deeply with my son. For us, this met nursing. But not just nursing. I looked him in the eye, caressed his hair, and talked to him. "Not feeling well, are you? Having a hard time? I know..." It only took a few simple words of validation. I held him close and let him feel my acceptance of his mood. Of course, genuine acceptance was crucial and I could do that once I was calm and focused.

Then I sensed that he also needed the flip side to connection: independence. All morning, Munchkin had been very sensitive about doing things himself and was getting easily frustrated when he failed. Each event spurred a new episode of tears and whining. To bolster confidence in his independence, I made a point of providing tasks for him that I knew he could accomplish...turn off the bathroom light, put an item in the trash, hold my keys, etc. Instead of lavish praise for his deeds, I sincerely thanked him as I would any person: "Oh, thank you, Munchkin! That's very helpful, I really appreciate it."

In addition, I calmly acquiesced to all kinds of strange preferences Munchkin expressed ("Not that bowl, this one"). That's right, I went against 'conventional' and mainstream advice for dealing with a whiner (check out page 2 of this Parenting article: it says to ignore the kid or the whining will get worse!). Instead of shunning my son, who was clearly upset, I "caved" by making him more comfortable. Naturally, I maintained our normal household limits, but I let him be picky and whine about the little things. Most of the time, these little things don't really matter. Giving my toddler a sense of personal power when he's feeling low does matter.

Most importantly, I didn't react negatively to his whining. I didn't tell him to say please or ask nicely. I let him know that it was hard to understand him when he whined, but I did so without shaming him or acting irritated (only possible when I'm calm and centered!). I didn't get annoyed or take it personally when he became insistent. I didn't withhold love or privileges or fulfillment of reasonable requests. I firmly stood my ground: the ground where I'm on his side, where I assure his safety, where I love him unconditionally, where I accept his whining.

And then he stopped whining. For good.

Just like that. Incredible! All I had to do was genuinely connect with him, provide him with the opportunity to exhibit competence, and truly accept his foul mood. For me, the real key was centering myself. The rest came easily from the place of peace I'd created within myself.

Why did these strategies work? I think it's because gentle, unconditional parenting really is effective. Maybe Munchkin's cause for whining had been emotional pain. Maybe he missed me (he'd spent the first hour of the day with Papa while I got to sleep in). Maybe he was feeling incapable in this big world where Mama, Papa, and the big kids can do all that cool stuff (we'd met some new playmates a few days prior). Maybe he felt left out or ignored (Papa isn't as playful in the morning).

Whatever it was, I managed to get through to him and help him out of it. He was able to re-center himself, too. Best of all, he knows that when he's hurting inside, he can rely on me to help him through it. I won't demand a change in behavior without considering his needs, no matter how annoying that behavior is.

And for the record, no, the whining did not get worse or return. His whines turned into smiles and we enjoyed the rest of the day together. Since then, he has not "tried to use whining to get his way". Conventional parenting wisdom debunked! Not surprising, though. When my son whines, he's not trying to annoy me or manipulate me. He's trying to ask for something but doesn't have the words to do so. I'm glad I listened.

Now, if I could just apply this gentle approach every time we have one of those days...

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please feel free to leave a note.

Book Review: The Emotional Life of the Toddler by Alicia Lieberman

2011-09-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I am not being compensated in any way to write this review. This review is designed to serve as a brief summary of the book, to inform, and to encourage readers to pursue the topic further.

Overview

The Emotional Life of the Toddler describes just what the title promises. This book offers a sensitive and in-depth look at toddlerhood, with the aim of helping parents gain awareness and skills for dealing with this age group. This book is informative and well researched, yet easy to read and highly palatable. You can leaf through it to the relevant parts, or read through the whole thing without it sucking up too much of your valuable time. Although The Emotional Life of the Toddler is dated (published in 1993), it is still relevant to today's parents.

Dr. Lieberman's body of knowledge surrounding toddler emotions is thorough, and her tone is empathetic and respectful (likely because she has research and clinical experience in infant mental health and early childhood trauma). The result is a book that is particularly relevant to anyone interested in Attachment Parenting or other type of gentle parenting style. Regardless of parenting style, The Emotional Life of the Toddler is relevant for any family with a toddler. The book offers sound advice and a solid foundation for understanding and relating to a very young child.

Three of the chapters are devoted to temperament, or personality types, among toddlers. I found these sections revealing as well as humorous. The author's intimate knowledge of each temperament allows the reader to feel connected and understood.

In addition to straightforward descriptions, Lieberman uses a series of brief case studies to illustrate some of her points. I found these vignettes helpful, but with limitations. Some case studies serve as excellent examples, while others seemed too idiosyncratic to be generally applicable. Still, I enjoyed reading them and learning about the complexities of toddler emotions.

Another odd aspect of the book is that the author devoted an entire chapter to divorce. While this is a topic that affects many of us, and it certainly affects toddlers, this chapter felt a bit out of place in this book. I would have rather seen a chapter devoted to a more general discussion of tension in the home or fights between parents, with divorce included in the discussion.

Nonetheless, The Emotional Life of the Toddler is an indispensable addition to any parents' library. Overall, I loved this book and I highly recommend it to anyone with a toddler or infant approaching toddlerhood. Two thumbs up!

Highlights & Take-Home Messages

· The hallmark of toddlerhood is the dichotomy between independence and dependence. The toddler continually seeks a balance between exploration of the world and a safe, loving connection to parents.

· A secure base from the parent supplies the physical and emotional scaffolding upon which the toddler develops confidence to explore the world and grow into his own separate person. The most effective secure base provides love, affection, protection, and respect for the toddler as an individual. A sound secure base also allows the toddler to explore the external and internal world of emotions.

· Toddlers have intense, vivid, and very real emotions that are hard for them to express and cope with. How toddlers are treated in response to their emotions impart lifelong lessons in how to manage those feelings.

· Temper tantrums are essential to healthy emotional development. Toddlers benefit when parents provide emotional support and guidance through a tantrum, rather than punishment, ridicule, or disregard for the toddler's feelings . Lieberman says it beautifully:

"The temper tantrum...is a wonderfully eloquent if seldom appreciated expression of the toddlers' inner experience. It represents his inner collapse as well as his proud protest at finding out that his will does not reign supreme...

Tantrums take a child to the very bottom of his being, helping him to learn that anger and despair are part of the human experience and need not lead to lasting emotional collapse. If the parents can remain emotionally available even while firm in their position of denying something, tantrums also teach a child that he will not be left alone..." (p. 39)

"Managing a tantrum involves nothing less than the formation of character." (p.40)

· Problems between parent and toddler commonly arise due to disagreements over what is safe (exploration) and what is an appropriate level of connection (emotional or physical).

· Problems are best resolved (and prevented) through development of a partnership between parent and toddler. A goal-directed partnership is useful in finding compromise and meeting the needs of both parent and child. For example, picking up the toys together is a way to engage in a goal-directed partnership.

· Exercising benevolent authority, rather than using shame or fear, is an effective way to ensure toddler compliance. (Read this and this for more information and for examples of how to gain toddler compliance and manage defiance).

· Sensitivity to the child's feelings and needs, helping the toddler find words to describe feelings, as well as being silent when words aren't enough, are powerful ways to encourage the partnership. (Read this for suggestions on how to effectively speak to a toddler).

· Parents' anger and frustration over the toddler need not destroy the partnership or disrupt the secure base. Toddlers learn that intense emotions are acceptable and tolerable. When they see their parents recover from outbursts, followed by an apology and explanation, the partnership is restored.

· There are 4 general toddler temperaments: Easy, Slow To Warm Up ("shy"), Active, and Difficult (very rare). Temperaments are not permanent or immutable. A child may exhibit signs of more than one temperament which may change over time. A child may not necessarily retain the same temperament throughout childhood.

· Each temperament will respond differently to different parenting styles so it's important to understand and work with a toddler's individual personality.

· "Active" toddlers need a physically safe environment with only a few clear, consistent boundaries. Thorough baby-proofing and the parents' level of energy and patience are main concerns.

· "Slow to Warm Up" toddlers need time and space to acclimate to new people and environments. Providing support for the child's pace of adaptation is a central concern for parents.

· Problems may arise when the parent either doesn't understand or feels uncomfortable with their child's temperament. For example, an outgoing parent may pressure a shy child to interact with others before he is ready. A fearful parent may struggle to give an active toddler enough freedom to roam.

· Toddlers have immature cognitive development. Fears and anxieties usually arise because they make incorrect conclusions about reality. Issues related to permanence (objects, people, body parts, etc.) are common sources of toddler fears. Operating from a secure base, parents can help toddlers learn what threats are real in order to alleviate anxiety. Minimizing or ignoring fears, or using ridicule and blame will aggravate those anxieties and strain the parent-toddler relationship.

· Play is an important and powerful way for toddlers to work through their fears and anxieties.

· Toddlers enjoy "messy" play as an avenue for exploring their newly discovered bodily secretions (urine, feces, mucus, blood, saliva, etc.). Finger paints, play-dough, water, dirt and the like all serve as valuable representations for this phase of discovery (and they're easier to clean than poop on the wall!).

· Conflicts between parents don't have to disrupt the secure base for a toddler as long as both parents put the needs of the child ahead of their interpersonal issues.

· Quality child care may be provided by someone besides the toddler's parents. Factors that influence the quality of childcare include: stability of care, caregiver training, adult-child ratio, group size, and the presence of another adult.

· Toddlerhood shares some features in common with adolescence. With an established secure base, an attitude of partnership, and a habit of parent-child communication, parents of toddlers are likely to build effective skills that can be used when similar issues arise again ten or so years later.

Learning To Share By Taking Turns

2011-09-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

As the mother of a toddler, I have become quite familiar with the ubiquitous parental chant, "Share, share, share!" I understand the sentiment behind the word: we want our children to be giving, to treat others with kindness, and to play fairly. We want to teach our kids to get along well with others.

Still, the instruction to "share" doesn't sit well with me and I've never used that language with Munchkin. Part of it is because I don't subscribe to the idea that telling Munchkin to give another child his toy will instill him with empathy or generosity (more on this issue later!). But mostly, I realized that the problem for me was the misuse of the verb "to share". According to dictionary.com, the verb "to share" means:

3. to divide and distribute in shares; apportion

4. to use, participate in, enjoy, receive, etc, jointly: The two chemists shared the Nobel prize [emphasis mine]

5. to have a share or part; take part (often followed by in)

6. to divide, apportion, or receive equally

Sharing, then, means dividing up or to taking part in at the same time. You can share a banana. You can share a drink. You can share a bed. You can share a ball if you pass it back and forth as part of a game.

From what I have observed, this is not what parents are usually asking of their children in social settings. When a mother tells her child to "share" his toy, what she really means is that he should give it to the other child to play with. For adults and older kids, this use of the word "share" is understandable. We know that "sharing" a toy involves taking turns, not splitting up, giving away, or simultaneous use. Older children understand that the other kid will play with it for awhile, and that eventually he'll get his bike or car back. On the playground, kids call this taking turns. When kids actually share a toy or activity simultaneously, it's called playing together. For simplicity, people tend to refer to all of these acts as "sharing" because they all embody the essence of sharing: kindness and fairness. However, this mix-up of wording is a real problem for younger kids.

Toddlers, babies, and very young children don't understand all these nuances of the word "share". To them, the command to share simply means what the parent's request suggests: "Give your toy to the other kid." For some, there is even the added ultimatum, "or I'll do it for you." This command to share naturally leads to resistance. I think this is partly due to confusion in the immature mind. Consider the toddler's thought process: When I share my cracker, I don't get it back. If I share my toy, it might be gone forever, too. How do I share the couch if I am sitting on it...do I have to move first? A young toddler can't be expected to fully grasp the distinction between sharing, as in a snack, AND taking turns, AND playing nicely side by side -- especially when adults inaccurately label each one as "sharing".

Even as a child begins to understand that the toy will eventually come back to him, it seems an added and unnecessarily difficult challenge to "share" when the child must also do mental hurdles around language. Moreover, lessons in possession and playing together happen slowly and often painfully for the toddler. We ask a lot of their unripe cognitive, emotional and social abilities when we simply ask them to "share".

Young children need precise language in order to understand what's asked of them. I think we can make it a lot easier on toddlers and preschoolers to learn about sharing by saying what we really mean. When I realized what we are truly asking of children when we say "share", I began to use the correct language to describe it. Instead of talking about "sharing", I describe and gently suggest actions related to taking turns:

I think your friend would like a turn with the shovel now.

She is having a turn with the car now. When she's done then you can have a turn.

Not now, Johnny. Munchkin is having a turn. Munchkin, when you're done with your turn, would you like to give Johnny the ball?

There, he's done with the scooter. Would you like to have a turn now?

Then I follow through on my words and give each child who wants a turn a chance to take their turn, even if they become interested in something else. Munchkin may get upset for a moment, but once I reassure him that he gets a turn also, he settles down. He recovers remarkably quickly without fighting about it. He believes my words because they have observable meaning.

This shift in language has been so effective with Munchkin that I've started using it in other situations. I can now use turn-taking to set personal limits and boundaries between me and Munchkin: You can have a turn holding the vacuum when I'm done with my turn. It's my turn to choose the music...after this song, then you can have a turn listening to your song. It's my turn to go for a run...when I'm done, you can get out of the BOB and have a turn running, too.

I still use the word "share", but I try to use it correctly in reference to things we partake of together: Sure, I'll share my water with you. Do you want to share your grapes with him? Look, you two can share the piano; there is room for both of you to play together at the same time.

The suggestion to "take turns" instead of "share" is more than an issue of semantics. For a toddler who struggles with age-specific issues of permanence, separation, and ownership, the words "have a turn" are powerful, indeed. This promise to take turns reassures Munchkin that he still has a right to the coveted object or activity, just not right now. He knows that taking turns doesn't mean relinquishing the object indefinitely. It means a temporary separation, just like when mama goes to the store without him.

While Munchkin waits for his turn, he is also learning a bit about patience. He is learning to let go and to receive again. And with some encouragement and patience from me, he might just learn to share.

Questions? Comments? Yes, please!

Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want...Playfully

2011-09-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the September Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how challenging discipline situations can be met with play. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

Getting an active toddler to move along in a timely fashion isn't always easy. There are novelties over here and shiny things over there to investigate. Often, my toddler becomes curious about some discovery along the way, something that could capture his attention for 10 minutes if I let him. Ordinarily, I like to encourage this discovery and exploration. However, there are times when I really need to get from Point A to Point B in less than half an hour. There are times when I have a specific direction in mind that he doesn't necessarily find interesting.

Fortunately, I discovered a useful strategy for getting Munchkin to go where I want him to go. When he was still just over a year old, we used to play a hide-and-seek game at our library. I would run from stack to stack, hide behind it, then say "Boo!" when Munchkin approached (yes, we have a very kid-friendly library!). I quickly figured out that I could use this game to lure him towards the exit when it was time to leave. I simply ran between pillars and poles on our way out the door. He loved it and followed me each step of the way, giggling all the while.

These days, I still use this game to get Munchkin to move when and where I need to go when we're out and about. Any place that has pillars, poles, walls, signs, trees, or other obstruction is amenable to the hide-and-seek steering strategy. I've even mixed it up a bit. Sometimes instead of "hiding" behind a pole, I weave in and out of adjacent poles, or simply spin around it holding on with one arm. Munchkin thinks this is hilarious. He runs to catch up and attempts to mimic my movements.

I find this strategy so much easier than repeating, "Come on, let's go. Over here. This way. No...not that way...this way. Let's go, we need to go now or we'll be late... " Sigh. Chase child, pick him up, sometimes with a giggle, but often with a cry of resistance and fury (of course, we've gone this route before, too!). This type of banter gets exhausting and is likely to leave me feeling frustrated. I still resort to it sometimes, but when I remember our hide-and-seek game, things go more smoothly and the tension melts.

Yes, I look silly holding bags of groceries while I duck behind a pole half as thin as me. To passersby, my hiding place may be absurd and ridiculous. To Munchkin, it is an invitation to play, to follow, and to connect with me. I get to have a little fun and be freed of the stress of running after a toddler with my arms full. I get to smile and see my son erupt in laughter instead of tears. We both forget that it's about me trying to get him to go where I want. Best of all, I actually get from Point A to Point B in a reasonable amount of time. Fun and practical, what a deal!

Do you have a special game that helps you through difficult parenting situations? Please feel free to share it here!

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

On being a more playful parent — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares how the Playful Parenting book impacted her.
Parenting a toddler through play — Alicia at I Found My Feet lists some examples of how she uses play to parent through everyday tasks and challenges.
Splashing in Puddles — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how she learned to get dirty and have fun with her little boy.
Say Please — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life explains how they taught their son manners by "play," showing that actions speak louder than words.
No Nanny Needed — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life wishes parenting through play was her only responsibility during the day.
I'll Run Away With Gypsies — Nikalee at Spotted Pandemonium maneuvers physical and emotional obstacles while spinning playful tales, jumping through hoops, and inspiring the kids to clean the living room.
A Promise To My Daughter — Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure writes a poem for her daughter promising to use play instead of anger when facing difficult situations.
Parenting Through Play — Not Always Easy But Always Rewarding — Amy at Peace4Parents discusses how play hasn't always come easily to her, the power of appreciative observation, and how her family learns together through play.
Imagination Plays a Role in Our Parenting — Tree at Mom Grooves shares how parents can use play to set the foundation for communication and understanding.
A Box of Crayons — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction talks about how a simple box of crayons has become a wonderful parenting and teaching tool.
The Essential Art of Play — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her favorite lessons available for young ones through play.
The Art of Distraction — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a list of distracting alternatives to harsh punishments in tough parenting situations.
Grace and Courtesy Games at Home or School — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has ideas for grace and courtesy games that help you encourage courteous behavior without reprimanding your child.
I am woman, hear me roar! — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares how one simple sound can diffuse an argument in an instant.
Getting Cooperation Through Play — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about respecting the worldview of a preschooler by using play to encourage connection and cooperation.
Playful Parenting = Extra Energy?? — Momma Jorje didn't think she had the energy for playful parenting. See what she was surprised to learn…
Dance Party Parenting — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen learned how to be the parent her children need through play.
Wrestling Saved My Life — Wrestling is as vital to her son's well-being as babywearing once was, finds Hannah at Wild Parenting.
Parenting through play — By playing with her children, Tara from MUMmedia is given amazing opportunites to teach, train and equip her children for life.
Parenting Through Play Starts in Infancy — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Issa from LoveLiveGrow shares that though she only has a 3-month-old, playful parenting has already started.
Play Before Sleep — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how playing and singing with her son before he falls asleep helps calm her frustrations that tend to arise at night.
Playful Parenting — Or 5 Lessons My Son Has Taught Me About Parenting Through Play — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama has learned to be a better parent by following her toddler's lead in play.
Hurry up! Hurry up! I mean it! Quack, quack, quack! — Kellie at Our Mindful Life leads a trail of ducklings
On the Road: Learning to Play — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers her inner adult through a summer of playing with her children.
Preventing Tantrums Through Play — Gaby at Tmuffin explains how she keeps her household happy by not taking things too seriously.
Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play — Lily, aka Witch Mom, redirects unwanted behavior in a toddler using games and play.
Exaggerating for effect — Lauren at Hobo Mama has learned how to ham it up.
Handling Big Emotions with Role Playing — Zoie at TouchstoneZ plays at tempering her parental frustrations while helping her children handle some big emotions
How To Herd Toddlers by Talking Pictorially — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama demonstrates how talking in pictures is a playful way to engage your young child in transitioning from one activity to the next.
Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want…Playfully — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how a game of hide-and-seek can be used to steer a wandering toddler in the direction of her choosing.
Playful Parenting: Chores That Do Themselves — Remember chores when you were a kid? If chores were this fun for Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey, she wouldn't have needed any reminders!
Clown School Express: Playing away Fears — MudpieMama describes how she helped her boys confront their fears about starting kindergarten by playing with trains.
Practicing Playful Parenting — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle realizes that playfulness is the best way through the day and seeks more ways to practice it.
Today, Tomorrow and Every Day — Starr at Taking Time addresses her children in a letter sharing with them how improtant it is that they spend their childhood playing.
Learning Through Immersion — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares how she helps her daughter develop naturally without focusing on teaching, but rather by immersing her in their family's way of life and making her an active part of her environment.
Play Here Now — Jessica at Instead of Institutions learns and relearns and tries to remember the value of play.
Play: A Wonderful Parenting Tool — Mamapoekie from Authentic Parenting offers a list of examples on how to use play in real-life parenting situations.
Playful Parenting — a Book Review — Erica at ChildOrganics shares simple yet sage advice from Dr. Cohen on how play can change your child's life.
Mock Threats: Turning Real Frustration into Playful Parenting — Threatening is not an effective discipline strategy, but Dionna at Code Name: Mama explains how parents can turn their frustration into playful moments by making "mock threats."
I'm Sick of Yelling — I Want to Play — Alicia at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts realizes she needs to change the way she's parenting and is forming a new plan.
Sing-along, Brush-along Songs — Shana at Tales of Minor Interest shares a few songs to make brushing her three-year-old's teeth more fun.
Monster Voice — Ever have those frustrating moments with your kid(s) when you just want to scream? Amy at Anktangle shares a silly strategy for getting through those difficult times.

Mopping Made Easy, Inexpensive, and Green

2011-09-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

I don't like to spend a lot of time cleaning the house. Not that I have that much time to do so with a toddler on my tail 24/7! On top of that, we live on a tight budget and I am constantly concerned about the environmental impact of the products I use. Still, I like a clean home so I'm always looking for shortcuts and ways to be more efficient and ecologically conscious. When I accidentally discovered this simple, cheap, "green" way to mop, I was thrilled and have been mopping this way ever since.

Here's what I do:

Instead of filling up a bucket with water and your favorite cleaning product, put only a little bit of water in the bucket, just enough to rinse out the mop head. Fill an empty spray bottle with a 1:1 dilution of water and distilled vinegar (I'm sure a 10% or 25% dilution would also work). Spray the diluted vinegar directly onto the floor and wipe with the wet mop. Repeat in small sections, rinsing out the mop in the bucket as you go along. When I'm done, I give the bucket and mop head a quick rinse.

Wow, how easy! I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out! Not only is this way easier, it's inexpensive. It's also a great way to mop if you get interrupted frequently due to a curious and active toddler. The best part is that my little one can help out and I don't have to worry about him getting into harsh, toxic, unnatural chemicals.

Notes about vinegar:
You can use another green cleaning product, like Dr. Bronner's, but vinegar is less explensive. Distilled vinegar is natural, non-toxic, the smell dissipates quickly, it's safe for children to handle, and it has a zillion other uses (OK, maybe only 1001 uses). I use my 50% vinegar spray bottle for cleaning almost everything.

It is extremely important that you use an empty spray bottle that hasn't been used for anything else. Mixing compounds can create toxic fumes or even explosions. Play it safe and smart with a new, unused bottle.

Every bit of time or money you save makes life easier. Every chemical you save keeps your family and the planet healthier. Go ahead, give it a try!

Comments? Questions? I love them!

Doing errands with a toddler: Slowing down to speed things up

2011-08-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

Running errands isn't much fun

Recently, I had a big errand-running day with Munchkin. We were out for about 2 hours and made 5 stops. We did it without buying any new toys (and yes, we went through the toy aisle, twice), without treats or "incentives", and without a meltdown or tantrum. Even when we got back home, Munchkin never had his typical post-outing meltdown.

Maybe for some seasoned moms, this is no big thing. For us, it was a big deal. I have to admit, I'm incredibly proud of us! Usually, I can only manage 1, maaaaaybe 2, stops in a single outing before Munchkin comes undone. He gets overstimulated. He gets tired, but never falls asleep away from home. He gets hungry, but is too distracted to eat when we're out and about. He gets disconnected from me because he is so captivated by discovering the world. When we return home, he usually has a breakdown, whining and crying for comfort to soothe all those mixed up feelings.

For me, running errands with a toddler can be tense and stressful. I try to balance my need to complete tasks with his needs, but that doesn't always happen. I feel hurried to get everything done before he gets too tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. Then I really feel the pressure when we get home and he has his meltdown. Since I often have to take him with me, I've been working on making our outings less demanding for both of us.

On the day in question, I must have hit the mark. Maybe Munchkin was just having a really great day. Still, I keep reflecting on what I did to help our errands go so smoothly. Because I definitely want to repeat this pattern!

I gave advance notice of what we were doing next. Munchkin could prepare himself for what was about to happen. It was also a useful way to set a limit ahead of time and to let him know he was included in my plans: this IS what we're doing and you ARE coming, too.

I didn't rush him. I let him take his time exploring the toy aisle, picking up and replacing shampoo bottles, and wandering about the store carrying and kicking a ball through most of it. Funny, it actually took less time this way than trying to persuade him to do these things on my time scale (I'm an in-and-out kind of shopper).

I reconnected with him frequently. Between stops, or when we were getting in and out of the car, I was present and authentic. I talked and listened to Munchkin, gave him hugs, and looked him in the eye as I buckled him in. It was clear that we were doing this errand together.

I made time to sit and have a snack together. I spotted a bench outside one of the shops and I thought it would be a good place to take a break. I always carry snacks with us on outings, but I usually let him eat in the car (you know, to save time, ha!). Eating on the bench was much better. Not only did Munchkin get to refuel his body's needs, he also got some valuable time to connect with me. Now that's what I call efficient shopping!

Overall, it seems that my keys to success were being more patient, being fully present, and staying connected. I might not be able to repeat this every time we run errands, but at least now I have a benchmark. I know that I can do it. I can get stuff done without Munchkin coming undone. All I have to do is slow down and things go a lot faster!

What do your errand days look like? I'd love to hear from you!

It's OK For Parents to Feel, Too

2011-08-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

When my son is hurt or in pain, I offer hugs, kisses, and space to cry if he wants to.

When he is angry or frustrated, I help him find safe ways to express himself, like punching the couch instead of hitting himself in the head (oh, toddlers!). Then I guide him to re-center himself by taking deep breaths, for example.

When my son is scared, I figure out what frightened him and then work to either keep him safe from it in the future or show him that it won't hurt him so he won't be afraid of it again.

When my son is happy, I smile and allow him time to enjoy his joy.

When my son has feelings, I want to encourage him to experience them. I want him to know that emotions are not to be feared, that they don't have to overwhelm an experience, and that he is capable of recovering from even the strongest, darkest feelings. I want him to have the skills and internal resources to express his emotions in healthy ways, without bottling, lashing out, shame, guilt, or resentment. I want him to know that I will love him and be there for him no matter what he feels.

Why, oh why, then, is it so hard to do the same for myself? I'm getting better at it, but I still have a ways to go before I am as consistently gentle with myself as I am with my son.

It seems that as parents -- and especially mothers -- we become so focused on allowing our children emotional expression, yet we deny ourselves the same unconditional love. We are still unable to truly experience our feelings. We over-eat to stuff them. We exercise to run away from them. We busy ourselves with jobs or activities to avoid quiet moments for the soul. We clean the house instead of our hearts. We focus on caring for others instead of ourselves.

This system of parenting won't work. It's too hard to support someone else through intense emotions when you've got unresolved feelings of your own in the way. Eventually, there will be a collapse or a blowout. In fact, I'm pretty sure emotional suppression is what gets in the way of practicing unconditional, mindful parenting each and every moment.

That's certainly the case for myself, anyway. It's when I literally forget myself that I run into the biggest parenting hurdles. Therefore, I have resolved to use the same (or similar) phrases and actions on myself that I use with my son when I notice strong feelings well up inside of me. I'm going to focus on loving myself unconditionally through my feelings, too. This make sense when I consider that my son will learn the most about emotional freedom and expression from the way I handle my own. That is, my feelings aren't just OK, they're essential for good parenting.

Are you better at handling your child's emotions than your own? Have you found a way to handle both? Leave a note...I'd love to hear from you!

Handy Parenting Resources: the Fridge Lists

2011-08-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

Some of my readers have said they'd like to put up some of my posts on their refrigerator for easy reference. Here, I've distilled these lists down a bit so you can print them out for just this purpose and still have room on the fridge for your child's artwork and photos. I call them the "fridge lists." Enjoy!

MaMammalia's Fridge Lists

MaMammalia's

8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance

(the Fridge version)

1) Appeal to your toddler's natural empathy. "It hurts my ears when you... " bang on that, scream, etc., or "I can't understand you when you..." whine, yell, cry, etc. or "Ouch! That hurts!"

2) If at first you don't succeed, try again in 1 minute. Or 30 seconds, or 5 minutes, or 15. Be quiet while waiting. Let him finish what he's doing.

3) Provide an attractive alternative. Make the exchange respectfully and be sure to validate any disappointment or anger.

4) Use humor and playfulness. Get creative, laugh, and watch your tension melt!

5) Be emotionally available prior to your request. Before you ask... play, hug, smile, nurse... connect.

6) Enlist the help of your toddler. Ask him to help carry something, pick something out, put something away, etc.

7) Say "gentle" instead of "no touch." Save the "don't touch" for seriously dangerous items.

8) Avoid using punishment for non-compliance. Work on developing alternatives to yelling, spanking, and time-outs.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

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MaMammalia's

10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance

(the Fridge version)

1) Try a gentle approach first. (See the Gentle Strategies list)

2) Use toddler-appropriate language: correct pronouns, precise phrasing, and age-appropriate.

3) Demonstrate confidence in your request through your tone of voice.

4) Offer legitimate choices. Come up with 2 different ways to fulfill your request, then give your toddler the choice. Avoid false choices.

5) Take action. "I won't let you..." or "Please do not..." hit the dog/throw toys/run in the street, etc. , then enforce the words peacefully by holding up a hand or standing in the way.

6) Validate the child's feelings. "I understand that you are angry because I won't let you..." or "It's OK for you to feel angry at me for..." or "Are you sad that...?" Avoid judging, criticizing, minimizing, or blaming.

7) Consider the child's unmet needs. Start with physical needs (hunger, thirst, fatigue, overstimulation, pain), then consider emotional needs (acceptance, respect, independence, connection).

8) Reconsider your request. What's the worst that would happen if you just let it go?

9) Work on your relationship. Do you need to reconnect with your child, or yourself?

10) Avoid bribery, threat of punishment, or withdrawal of privileges.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

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MaMammalia's

What To Do When Stress Interferes With Mindful Parenting

(the Fridge version)

Take a break to just breathe. Say "I need a moment" then sit or lay down for some deep breathing. Afterwards, reconnect with your child through a hug, eye contact, or kind words. Repeat as needed!

S--l--o--w d--o--w--n. Do one thing at a time, paying close attention to your actions, thoughts, words, and feelings. Avoid judging or evaluating yourself, just notice your own experience.

Put the problem on the shelf, along with other items not appropriate for children. Create boundaries around your thoughts, e.g. "I'll think about this after she goes to bed".

Look your child in the eyes when you talk to him. It will keep you connected.

Let go of guilt. If you haven't been your best self...Forgive yourself, apologize to your child, decide on changes to make, commit to them, and move on.

Get some rest. Nap or close your eyes for a few minutes.

Get out of the house. Take a walk, get some exercise, do a simple errand.

Chat with a friend. Get it off your chest.

Give yourself space to feel angry, sad, etc. Schedule time and space away from your child to experience your emotions. Validate your feelings and honor your experience.

Want more explanation? Get the complete article

Like this type of list? Visit MaMammalia for more: http://mamammalia.blogspot.com/

Hidden Talents

2011-08-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the August Carnival of Natural Parenting: Creating With Kids
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how they make messes and masterpieces with children. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

I have always admired crafty folks because they possess a type of creativity I seem to lack. When it comes to arts and crafts, I have far more interest and desire than I do skill or knowledge. I was hoping that with my son, I would have the chance to explore my own craftiness and discover hidden talents in both of us.

I started with the basics, crayons. At this point, Munchkin is more interested in eating the crayons than coloring with them. Inserting and removing them from the container is also a fun game.

Munchkin is not inspired by crayons

I also tried non-toxic, washable pens. Decorating his hands and face was far more amusing to him than putting pen to paper.

I decided to skip the finger paints and other drawing/coloring media for now. Oatmeal or yogurt provide similar results, with at least a bit of nutrition!

Munchkin eating his 'artwork'

With the Play-Doh Fun Factory, we had some luck. Munchkin liked the mechanical aspect of pressing down on the lever, watching the Play-Doh emerge, balling it up, and then repeating the process. He was deeply focused for a good 20 minutes!

Insert play-doh, then...

...squish!

Then there is creative building and construction. Munchkin is getting more skilled with the Mega Bloks and takes pleasure in stacking them "up, up, up!" ~~Natural wood blocks are at the top of my list of toys-to-buy-next.~~ Good thing I won the Beka Blocks from the NPN giveaway!

Still, I've been feeling like we're pretty boring in the creativity department. That is, until I began to look for ways that Munchkin is creative on his own, rather than how he is "creative" at an artsy activity I put together for him. For instance, he made a point of showing me how he could line up his cars in a row. Pretty imaginative for a 19 month old who's never been stuck in gridlock traffic!

Munchkin's car creation

Munchkin's pièce-de-résistance, however, was an innovative creation so exciting that he ran to get me from the other room.

"Dat! Dat!" he urged me, beckoning me to take his hand and follow him. I let him lead me to his design, something he was immensely excited to show off. He pointed and said, "Wah-oow!"

I exclaimed "Wow! Look what you did! You put the flags on top of your tractor!" He grinned and chuckled with self satisfaction. I was, indeed, quite proud of him. Proud, partly because he had invented a novel "hat" for his tractor. Mostly, I was proud because he had initiated the creation on his own and he displayed unadulterated delight in his own accomplishment. He expressed himself purely.

Tibetan prayer flags on top of tractor

I realized then that a sense of fulfillment and the freedom of self expression are what I most want to provide for him when it comes to creativity. I care less about how or what he produces than I do about whether it brings him joy to create, and whether the activity engages him.

Of course, we'll keep working on the arts and crafts. I'll do my best to present him with a variety of opportunities for creativity. At the same time, I'm going to marvel at and encourage the unpredictable, creative ways he finds to be creative...his hidden talents.

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Family Draw Time Art Show — Kate Wicker shares art (and inspiration!) from her family's cherished tradition of family draw time.
The Rules of Creativity: Learning to Create with the "Non-Creative" — Zoe at Give an Earthly shares how she learned to accept her "non-creative" child and claims that anyone, child or adult, can be creative given the right handling and environment.
Creating With Kids: 4 Ways That Work For Us — See how Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings nurtures creativity with her kids through craft projects, outdoor creative play, celebrating the creative process, and setting up "little spaces of beauty."
Creating memories, not things — Mrs. Green from Little Green Blog reflects on life with a ten year old and how 'creating together' has evolved from 'things' to memories.
The Gift of Creation — It may be hot, but Kellie at Our Mindful Life is already thinking about winter.
Hidden Talents — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how providing the opportunity for creativity sometimes means learning to look for hidden talents in unusual places.
Creating Joy — CatholicMommy at Working to be Worthy shares how she and her one year-old son create joy for their community.
How to do Crafts with Kids — Gaby from Tmuffin guest posts at Natural Parents Network and describes how to keep things simple when doing crafts with kids for magical (easy-to-clean, and tantrum-free) results.
Sugar & Spice & Baking on the Kitchen Floor — Carrie at Love Notes Mama enjoys making a mess in the kitchen with her daughter.
Young Scientist Makes Purple Potion — Hannah at Wild Parenting loves being a lab assistant for the young scientist in her life.
Making a butterfly house — Lauren at Hobo Mama demonstrates the proper way to build a wooden butterfly house with a preschooler.
Nurturing Creativity — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares the enjoyment she feels in nurturing the creativity of her children.
Home School Music - Sparking A New Generation Of Musicians — Based on her musical background, Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey talks about how she creates with and teaches music to her children.
Creating (im)perfectly Together — Mudpiemama shares some of the highlights of a summer spent building everything from ships to hoops but most of a lesson on letting go of perfection.
Family Soccer Kick Around — When her children wanted to play soccer, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children helped organize something that would work for her family.
Creating Memories Together on Skype — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells how you can create memories online with adult children or anyone who lives in another city or country.
We'll always have Halloween: Creating costumes for kids — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama is not the craftiest mom on the block, but she does make a mean homemade Halloween costume.
Let's Make Juice! — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment shares about the benefits of juicing with kids, as well as a quick recipe.
Everything's Better When It's Homemade — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro praises the art of homemade goods.
Creating the Opportunity for Art — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares how her family has created an environment conducive to art.
10 Easy and Functional Crafts Preschoolers Can Do with Minimal Assistance — Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers ten easy crafts preschoolers can do while sitting near parents — but they don't need a lot of parental help. Added bonus: all of these ten ideas double as something functional (gifts, decor, educational).
Creating with Kids: Singing Together — Ana at Pandamoly details the important role music takes in her household and provides a quick (and easy!) tutorial for creating fun songs to sing together!
Create This — jessica at instead of institutions considers different aspects of creativity including those without an end product.
Make Your Own Pocket Bib — A tutorial from Amy at Anktangle on how to make two simple and quick bibs to keep your little one clean at the table.
Creating Together in the Kitchen — Despite not feeling "crafty," Momma Jorje finds a way to create and connect with her toddler.
An Artist-Mama's Perspective — In this post, Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the differences between her choice of artistic outlet and her son's, and how they embrace those differences together.
Heart of the Home — Jona at Life, Intertwined shares some highlights of cooking with kids.
Getting creative with kids — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares how much she enjoys watching her daughter getting creative.
Creating with Children - The Nature/Seasonal Table — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama celebrates the rhythm of the natural world with her toddler through the creation of a seasonal nature table.
How Involving My Kid Saves My Sanity — The Happy Hippie Homemaker explains how involving her toddler in projects allows her to get more done, while providing valuable opportunities to teach and to bond (added bonus: amazing oatmeal raisin cookie recipe!).
In the Kitchen with Kids — Cooking with Real and Pretend Food — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle engages her kids in the kitchen with culinary creations of both real and pretend food.

Breastfeeding is so much more than...

2011-08-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

Here's another little contribution to celebrate World Breastfeeding Week:

Munchkin climbed up on the bench, asking for some assistance. I helped him maneuver around until he settled down next to me with his little legs dangling over the edge of the wood. He swayed his legs back and forth.

"Na-na," he said, and made the sign for food. Na-na is a word he made up when he was less than a year old to designate food, eating, or hunger.

I pulled out some snacks. He nibbled, then climbed on and off the bench a few more times. We talked about the leaves and the California buckeyes ripening in the tree above us. Munchkin made his way through most of the snacks I'd packed, and finally resettled again next to me. He scooted up close to me so that our bodies were side by side, touching. I sighed that blissful maternal sigh of I can't believe how wonderful this is.

"I love you," I told him, putting my arm around him for a gentle hug and kiss. He smiled and finished the last bite.

"Boo?" he inquired gently.

"Really? You want the booby now?"

I'd never nursed him in our apartment's courtyard before. I felt a moment of cultural-conditioning discomfort when I remembered that the groundskeepers were about that day, mowing the lawns and trimming the hedges. Whatever, I thought, and dismissed my discomfort with a shrug. Then I felt true embarrassment, in front of myself, because I had never nursed him here before...here under the tranquil shade of a tree, here with the dreamy wind, here with the birds for a soundtrack.

"Boo.."

"OK, come on over here," I said. He climbed into my lap and again I helped maneuver him into position. He looked me in the eye and I smiled down at him.

That was the moment I really got it. That was the moment when I truly understood extended breastfeeding. Munchkin wasn't hungry. He'd just eaten. He wasn't thirsty. I'd given him water. He wasn't seeking physical affection. We were already cuddled together. He wasn't seeking love. I had just told him. He wasn't tired or cranky, in pain, teething, uncomfortable, lonely, sad, scared, confused, none of it. He just wanted a bit more, he wanted it. In obliging him, I could also partake of this nebulous, mystical, transcendent, experience of breastfeeding beyond infancy. I could have a little bit of it, too.
***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!
You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

Celebrate World Breastfeeding Week: Breastfeeding a preemie

2011-08-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week with the Natural Parents Network, I'd like to share a glimpse of our breastfeeding journey. Please forgive the amateurish poetry -- I don't do this often. Sometimes prose just doesn't do the trick. Eventually, I'll be able to really write about it...

Still

I still cry to think how you were too small,

too weak,

too early

to suckle

Still, I held you to my breast,

I let you smell me and fumble around

all the wires,

all the tubes,

all the waiting nurses

Still, I refused the bottle and formula

you sucked

you grew

you came home

Without the feeding tube you stopped growing

because of reflux,

because of weakness,

because of my frazzled nerves

Still, I pumped every few hours and helped you learn to suck

with nipple shields

and SNS

and physical therapy

and kind helpers

Together, we were determined to overcome the

bad latch,

blisters,

bleeding,

plugged ducts,

and sleeplessness

Still, I nursed you at my breast and watched you grow

slowly

certainly

healthy

After 4 months, breastfeeding was "established" and we could do it

without props

without pain

without interventions

Still, I wondered how long our mamatoto* would last:

six months,

one year,

or two?

Today, at 20 months, I nurse you like a pro

in the bed,

at the table

on a bench

Still, my breast and it's magic milk are made

for hunger

for connection

for easing tears

Still, I can't imagine giving this up anytime soon

we've worked too hard

we've come too far

we are mamatoto,

still.

*mamatoto is a Swahili word to denote "mother-baby". My understanding is that it refers to the nursing mother and infant dyad as a single, connected unit, rather than as two separate individuals.

***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!

You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance

2011-07-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

When I wrote about gentle strategies for gaining toddler compliance, I knew there was more to it. Sometimes, you have to do something your toddler refuses to do (like brush his teeth). Sometimes, a toddler refuses just for the sake of refusing. During those trying times, how do I assert myself and still remain the compassionate, responsive mother I want to be?

Part of the answer lies in what Alicia Lieberman, author of The Emotional Life of the Toddler, calls benevolent authority. The idea is to confidently protect my son and make wise decisions for him when he cannot. If my concern and competence are genuine, Munchkin will feel safe -- even if he doesn't get what he wants. He may protest, but when I exercise benevolent authority it can actually avert a full-blown temper tantrum.

However, this is not the same as the "because I'm the mom and I said so" attitude. It's the difference between "authoritative" and "authoritarian" parenting styles. Consider "Please get down from there now. I don't want you to get hurt, "(authoritative) versus, "NO! I told you not to climb on that!" (authoritarian). The trick is to be firm, respectful, and loving all at the same time.

I've been experimenting with strategies based on benevolent authority to gain compliance from my toddler in non-negotiable situations. It works. I still encounter typical toddler resistance, but without much toddler drama. We bounce back quickly and remain connected. The beauty of these strategies is that they are based on mutual respect and are intended to build trust between parent and child.

Here are 10 loving techniques I find helpful in dealing with a defiant toddler:

1) Try a gentle approach first. There are a number of kind ways to put a request to a toddler. I previously compiled some gentle methods to cultivate cooperation to use as a starting point.

2) Use toddler-appropriate language. Effective communication is an essential component to any conflict resolution. I show respect for my son through language by using correct pronouns, precise phrasing, and age-appropriate speech (read this for some examples).

3) Demonstrate confidence in your request through your tone of voice. If my request is reasonable, necessary, or urgent, this tone comes naturally. On the other hand, it takes some practice to master this skill when I'm feeling low on patience or uncomfortable being assertive.

4) Offer legitimate choices. Try coming up with 2 different ways to fulfill your request, then give your toddler the choice. This approach helps a toddler feel independent and empowered in a situation in which he really isn't. For example: "Do you want to walk to the car yourself or do you want me to carry you?" or "Do you want to put it back yourself or do you want me to do it?" I find choices like these miraculous for getting out the door or leaving a store without a new toy (or tantrum). Avoid proposing "choices" in which one alternative is a punishment, removal of privilege, or a bribe ("Do you want to stop throwing toys or do you want to leave the park?"). Such false choices are manipulative and will undermine your toddler's trust and respect for you (the basis of your benevolent authority), which could lead to even more defiance.

5) Take action. Sometimes the gentlest thing you can do is, literally, step in. A great way to do this is to use a phrase I picked up from Suchada at MamaEve, "I won't let you..." as in I won't let you hit the dog/throw toys/run in the street, etc. I enforce the words peacefully by holding up a hand to block a strike or by simply standing in the way. Using assertive words and nonaggressive actions to back them up lets your child know you mean what you say. When you stop what you're doing to interact (i.e. connect) with him, he knows it's important! In addition, it builds trust because it lets him know you will protect him from harm.

6) Validate the child's feelings. Acknowledge and accept your toddler's emotions surrounding his defiance. When he feels connected and understood, he is more likely to trust your decision and not have a complete meltdown. I'm practicing phrases like, "I understand that you are angry because I won't let you..." or "It's OK for you to feel angry at me for..." or "Are you sad that...?" to let him know I care about his perspective. I also want him to know that being angry at me won't stop me from loving him (or get me to buy that toy). Avoid judging, criticizing, minimizing, or blaming him for his reaction.

7) Consider the child's unmet needs. Often toddlers "act out" because of an underlying need. Start with physical needs (hunger, thirst, fatigue, overstimulation, pain), then consider emotional needs. Answering emotional needs is tricky and may require some detective work, but the benefits are substantial and often immediate. I've seen Munchkin do a complete turn-around after I took the time to connect with him for a few moments on one his needy days.

8) Reconsider your request. Is it really that important? What's the worst that would happen if you just let it go? Letting go of a disagreement isn't a sign that your child has "won". It's a sign that you care enough to put your relationship ahead of getting your way (the same holds true for dealing with husbands!). It also shows that you're able to overcome your own control issues (often, that's all it is). Consider, "Fine, I give up! Have it your way and look ridiculous in your PJs!" versus, " I guess it doesn't really matter if you wear PJs to the park. Let's go have some fun!" To gain more compliance over the long haul, try to stay focused on developing a long-term relationship with your child, rather than on winning power struggles.

9) Work on your relationship. If you hear "No" more frequently than what seems normal for a toddler, consider your connection with your toddler. Dr. Laura at Aha!Parenting suggests that chronic defiance is a sign that the relationship needs repair. Until the parent-child relationship is healed, it won't really matter which disciplinary actions are taken. The good news is that relationship repair can happen right now since toddlers are centered on the now (as opposed to say, teenagers!).

10) Avoid bribery, threat of punishment, or withdrawal of privileges. While these tactics may be effective in the short-term, the long-term consequences are negative -- for your relationship, for your child's self esteem, and certainly for your benevolent authority. Love, trust, and respect are better motivators than fear.

These methods won't stop a toddler from being defiant. In fact, once we are better able to deal with it, defiance is something we can learn to love about our toddlers. As for me, I'm starting to look at Munchkin's "No" as an opportunity to learn more about who this little guy really is. I'm also learning more about myself and how assertive yet compassionate I can be.

What effective and caring ways do you use to handle a defiant toddler?

Looking for more tools for handling life with a toddler? Check out some of my other toddler-friendly posts:
8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance
Speaking Respectfully to a Toddler: Easy Phrases for Big Effects
Doing Errands With a Toddler
Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want...Playfully
Learning to Share By Taking Turns
Handy Parenting Resources: The Fridge Lists
and many more!

Want to hear stories from other moms of toddlers? Check out this video put together by Annie at PhD in Parenting.

Just Who Do I Think I Am?

2011-07-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite projects on MaMammalia are what I call "how-to lists": how to gain toddler compliance, how to deal with stress while parenting, how to practice unconditional parenting, and many others in the works. I enjoy writing these posts even though they are time consuming to put together. Still, I can't help but notice this gnawing feeling, this critical, arrogance-zapping voice that says, "Who the hell are you to give out child rearing advice?" I'm not a childcare expert. My background is in biology, not child development, psychology, or anything related (unless you count animal behavior). I'm just a mom. I only have one kid, and I haven't even been doing that for very long. I am by no means the model mother for peaceful parenting.

My life's companion

So, who do I think I am?

In addition to being a full-time mom, I think I'm a writer, researcher and analyzer by nature. I'm driven to study, critique, record, and create -- not as a hobby but because it's who I am. In essence, the how-to lists are for me. Composing the how-to lists requires me to do extensive reading, to think deeply about the topic, and to question my own parenting practices. I learn a great deal from writing these posts. Through writing, the concepts are driven deep down into my psyche so I can draw on them when I really need them. I post them on my blog because I have a feeling that someone might benefit from them. I have a feeling that someone has something to add that could benefit us all. I also have a feeling that someone will be offended or off-put, and ask the same question I did of myself: Who is she to tell me...? That's a risk I'm willing to take. After all, I can't stop being me.

Expectations, Acceptance, and...Laundry

2011-07-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

I dread laundry day. It's not so much because of the hassle of doing the laundry, but because of how I behave. Granted, laundry day is a major event because we don't have a washer or dryer. You'd think that by now I would have adapted, knowing that with a toddler in tow no task goes uninterrupted. When it comes to laundry, I have failed miserably in this regard. The problem is that I get fixated on the idea that I just want to finish the damn laundry and it leads to all kinds of negative fallout. I've been hung up on what I see as the only benefit of using our apartment complex's laundry facility: I can do multiple loads in under 2 hours!

This singular benefit has been severely compromised by my drive to fulfill it. I get flustered. I lose my patience. I raise my voice. I feel resentful because Munchkin's needs repeatedly interrupt me. I become insensitive and set unrealistic expectations for him. I feel angry that laundry is such a pain in the butt. The worst of it is that I keep making the same mistake over and over again, every laundry day. So I need to figure out why. I need to figure out what I can do differently because I really can't take this anymore. And Munchkin certainly doesn't deserve my frustration. Over laundry!

To address this issue, I started by writing about the process of doing laundry. It sounds mundane, but going over the details of this task allowed me to see that 1) it's understandable why I find it frustrating, and 2) I have the power to reduce my frustration. I figured out the specific points in laundry day during which I feel the most aggravated. It turns out that my desire to complete the task in 2 hours has been causing me to lose connection with Munchkin -- and myself.

I thought I had planned laundry day in a way that met both of our needs. During the wash and dry cycles we run around outside with the dog, collecting pine cones, rocks, and flowers. In reality, our 2 hour adventure is punctuated by sorting, loading, hanging, and transferring clothes. I've been doing these myself, only allowing Munchkin a few token moments to assist. No wonder he is so demanding while we're in the laundry room. No wonder I get so irritated. No wonder we end up in a pile of tears and apologies larger than the stacks of unfolded laundry!

I've been selfishly unaware of Munchkin's need to work together. I've been hogging all the fun to myself in the name of time and efficiency, and then getting annoyed because he feels left out. It's not like brushing my teeth or pooping where I really need to do it myself. I can find ways to have him more involved so we can stay connected while doing laundry. For instance, I can hold him up to insert the coins or push the start button. He'll love that! Laundry may take more time that way, but if it means less tension and more fun for both of us, then it's worth it.

My new laundry sorter

Next, I figured out that with some better planning, I can avoid some of the almost comical missteps that were getting me bent out of shape. Step 1: I went out and bought a 3 bag laundry sorter on wheels. I've got a few other logistics to work out. I'm also working on a Laundry Day Plan with more flexibility and time to complete the task.

Finally, I realized that my biggest hurdle, and the one that I have the most control over, is my attitude toward laundry day. Yes, it's a less than an ideal domestic situation, but I can't change that right now. What I can do is accept my situation and let go of unrealistic expectations. For now, laundry won't go as smoothly as I'd like, it's going to take longer than I want it to, and clean clothes are going to sit around for awhile. And really, it's OK for wet clothes to sit for an hour or two before they are hung to dry, and a cart piled with clean, wrinkled, unfolded clothes sitting in the middle of our hallway isn't nearly as important as our emotional well-being. I'm going to think about that next laundry day instead of how to be more efficient. I may never grow to actually enjoy laundry day or Zen out over it. I will, however, make a concerted effort not to ruin another potentially wonderful time to connect with my son. This connection could turn out to be the true benefit of doing laundry without a washer-dryer, a benefit I have finally begun to see.

Speaking Respectfully To a Toddler: Easy Phrases For Big Effects

2011-07-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

The way we speak to children (or anyone!) can have a dramatic effect on the response we get from them. Toddlers in particular are most responsive when they feel independent yet connected. In order to show respect for my toddler as an individual, I need to talk as if he is a competent listener. In order to connect, I need to be honest in what I say.

I didn't have good role models for healthy communication so it's a big challenge for me to find the balance between assertiveness and responsiveness. However, I've found that with just a few simple adjustments to how I talk, Munchkin is more likely to listen and respond to my requests. These verbal skills are also in line with my desire to be a responsive, attached, and unconditional parent so I feel good about them. Here are some of the speech patterns that have improved my communication with my toddler:

I use toddler-talk, not baby-talk. A specific type of baby talk called parentese is a natural and healthy way to communicate with infants. However, toddlers are not infants. They don't need really parentese anymore. They need clear, succinct language. The British Council has some great suggestions on how to use parentese with an older child who isn't fluent in the language you're speaking (i.e. a toddler or non-native speaker). This is pretty much how I talk to Munchkin. It feels more natural and I'm able to maintain this speech style throughout the endless hours we spend together. I save the sing-songy cadence, higher pitch, and embellished syllables for play time (or play used to gain cooperation).

I use appropriate pronouns. The common parental phrase, "We don't..." is vague and poses the risk of inviting the response, either in words or behavior, "Well, maybe you guys don't, but I do!" Instead, I say what I mean: "Please don't..." or "You may not..." or "I won't let you.."

Referring to myself or Munchkin in the third person isn't assertive or demonstrative of the way people really speak to each other. Frankly, it's also a bit condescending (how would it sound if I talked to adults that way?). Instead of "Mommy doesn't like it when..." or "Do you want Mommy to help you?" I say "I don't like it when..." and "Do you want me to help you?"

When I started using correct pronouns awhile back, I noticed an immediate difference: I felt more confident, more respectful, and more natural. I also noticed that Munchkin became more responsive to my requests. For a toddler coming to terms with his own autonomy, the distinction between "you" and "I" is profound. I think he appreciates the respect it grants him when he hears those words from me.

I use precise wording. I try to be as accurate as I can with my words when talking to Munchkin, especially when making a request. I say specific things like "Will you please stop running so I can put your shirt on?" or "It's time for Mary to have a turn with the ball now" or "Please do not throw sand." I avoid abstract statements such as "I need you to cooperate" or "You need to share" or "Stop misbehaving". Generalizations make the task seem larger than it is to a toddler, and they make it difficult for him to determine what he is actually supposed to do. It shows respect for the listener and for myself when I kindly and plainly ask for what I want rather than insinuating. The best part of being precise is that it requires me to really think about what I'm asking of Munchkin. What behavior or action am I talking about? Is it really something worth pointing out? Am I just annoyed, embarrassed, or feeling out of control? Is it critical that he do it now? Can I let it go or is it a teachable moment?

For me, this way of talking to my toddler has been highly effective. We are better connected for it. I've noticed that Munchkin is less likely to connect with another adult who radically changes the way she speaks when addressing him. He immediately picks up on the obvious difference between speech directed at him and another adult. He seems to sense when he's being talked down to and isn't very responsive to the speaker. I'm guessing he's grown accustomed to being spoken to with respect for his personhood and developmental abilities. I like that about him. And yes, I'm just a little proud of it, too.

There are certainly many other communication skills I can and will work on. Starting with the basics at least gives me a good foundation and, more importantly, the confidence in my ability to speak to my son with love and respect.

What speech patterns to you use that improve communication with your child?

My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting

2011-07-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

"It's easier to raise a son than it is to change a man." -Author unknown

After reading Kohn's amazing book, Unconditional Parenting, I took the author's advice to heart: I contemplated my long-term goals for my toddler son. What kind of person do I want to raise? What kind of relationship do I want to have with him when he's an adult? I surprised myself a little when my answer to the first question didn't include success or happiness. What I really care about is that Munchkin grow up to be a good person. I also hope that we will maintain a strong, healthy connection. Good person, good relationship. That's it.

That's it, huh? Upon deeper reflection, I realized it's a tall order. I hope my son will grow up to be empathetic, compassionate, conscientious, honest, considerate, loving, hard-working, self-sufficient, confident, assertive, patient, independent and self-aware. Plus, I hope he will still love me, respect me, and come around because he wants to, not out of an obligation to see his mother. Whew!

Where to begin with such lofty goals? I started with some of the basic principles of Attachment and Unconditional Parenting and worked from there. I have three overarching ideals: show respect in order to earn respect, model the behavior I want to see, and be responsive rather than controlling.

Many of the parenting practices I have adopted, or hope to adopt, make up the heart of my blog. Each practice warrants its own post, but for now I'd like to share my toddler-friendly starter kit. These are just a few highlights of the parenting practices I'm using that I hope will further my long-term parenting goals:

Avoid the system of rewards and punishment to change behaviors. Instead, I focus on underlying needs and feelings that may have led to my son's "misbehavior" (including tantrums). I'm building a repertoire of things to say instead of the empty "good job" type of praise.

Set the stage for partnership by looking for opportunities to compromise and loving ways to encourage toddler cooperation.

Respect a child's body, space, and time by asking before touching, not taking objects out of his hands, and not interrupting when he's focused on something (with obvious exceptions to avoid danger).

Encourage personal responsibility and self-care by setting an example (or at least trying to!) and providing age-appropriate tasks. Remember that self-care includes sleep, diet, exercise, hygiene, personal boundaries and mental, social, and emotional needs.

Build two-way communication by teaching and learning baby sign, practicing Elimination Communication, and learning about Nonviolent Communication to express feelings, needs, and requests. But mostly, just learning to listen to him.

Allow room for meaningful choices by permitting him to listen to his body (he chooses when and what to eat), and by acting as a "satellite" during free play.

Reinforce a strong attachment bond by co-sleeping and breastfeeding...indefinitely.

Teach empathy before manners by modeling empathy and good manners, not by pressuring him to share or to say please, thank you, or I'm sorry. Empathy takes time to develop so I'm patient and trusting in this endeavor.

Maintain realistic expectations based on the child's age by learning about child development at each new phase of our journey.

Admit mistakes and apologize to show that I'm human and fallible and willing to admit it.

Be willing to make changes in light of new information or when the status quo doesn't work. One of the most amazing aspects of parenting is that we get to raise ourselves with our children. We get to evolve and change and transform into the person we want to be so that we can raise little people to be who they want to be. This means I am open to revising my practice if conditions warrant it.

Accept the child for who he is instead of who I want him to be. I can provide the nurturing ingredients, but in the end I have to acknowledge that he is his own person. The rest of the world will also have an influence on him that I can't control. Munchkin will grow in his own way, in his own time. I will just keep on loving him, unconditionally.

What are your long-term parenting goals and how do you hope to fulfill them?

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon July 12 with all the carnival links.)

Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured's parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
First Year Reflections — As her daughter's first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom's parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
Connection, Communication, Compassion — She's come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
My Parenting Inspirations - Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It's the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter's life.
On Children — "Your children are not your children," say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.
My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she's using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it's important for her daughter's growth.
What's a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
Parenting Philosophy? Eh... — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there's no right answer when it comes to parenting.
Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they'll need.
Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she's doing.

When Stress Interferes With Mindful Parenting

2011-06-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

As part of my journey towards mindful mothering, I've been working on living consciously in spite of stress in my adult life. When things are going well, mindfulness comes naturally. It's easy to let go of thoughts beyond the now as I watch the creative antics of a very silly toddler. But enter turmoil, conflict, "problems" and my thoughts follow those events, trying to catch them, get an answer, find resolution, solve the problem. And peace...well, peace eludes me ever more when I don't give myself a chance to experience it just when I need it most.

The challenge to be mindful through stress is even harder when I don't have the luxury of time away from my son. Yet that is precisely when I most need to focus on staying present. Absorbing thoughts make me less patient, less attentive, and certainly less fun to be around. My son, like many other kids, picks up on this and will test every limit I set to see if I'm paying attention. This begins the cycle of him acting out and me getting even more flustered and attached to my negative thoughts .

After 18 months, I'm still getting used to this balancing act, but I have a few tools to help me stay present through stressful days.

Here are some of the things I remind myself to do when stressful thoughts interfere with mindful parenting:

Take a break to just breathe. Sometimes a bit of space is all that's needed to get back to the here and now. Say something to your child like "I need a moment", then go sit down in a comfortable place to do some deep breathing. After this exercise, be sure to reconnect with your child through a hug, eye contact, or kind words. Repeat as needed!

S--l--o--w d--o--w--n. Do one thing at a time, paying close attention to your actions, thoughts, words, and feelings. Avoid judging or evaluating yourself, just notice your own experience.

Look your child in the eyes when you talk to him. Eye contact and that special look from your little one can be more powerful than any other remedy.

Let go of guilt. If you've been less than your idea of a good parent because you're stressed out, don't succumb to the ubiquitous mommy guilt. It will only prevent you from making lasting, positive changes. Forgive yourself, apologize to your child, decide on changes to make, commit to them, and move on.

Get some rest. Join your little one when he goes down for a nap. If a nap isn't possible, at least lay down and close your eyes for a few minutes (often just 5 minutes will do). Surprisingly effective...even with a toddler climbing on top!

Get out of the house. Fresh air and a change of scenery can help jar you back to the present moment. Vigorous exercise is also great for dealing with stress. (I love my BOB!)

Chat with a friend. Sometimes sharing with someone else helps "get it off your chest", at least enough that you can put it aside to be truly present with your child. Beware of long conversations, however, that will have the opposite effect!

Put the thoughts on the shelf, along with other items not appropriate for children. Stressful thoughts are a lot like persistent toddlers: they repeat themselves over and over again. To stay present with your child, create boundaries around those thoughts (e.g. "I'll think about this after she goes to bed"). You can even try using the same strategies/phrases you use with your children for boundary setting!

Give yourself space to feel angry, sad, etc. It's unhealthy to leave thoughts on the shelf indefinitely. In some cases it may be actually be healthy to share feelings with your child ("I'm feeling sad today") . Just be sure to take the child's own emotional development and needs into account and avoid using a child for emotional support. For adult size thoughts and feelings, you may need time and space away from your child. Find a way to process your emotions through writing, meditation, talking to someone, crying in the shower, screaming in the car (without a child and while parked, of course), whatever. Validate your feelings and honor your experience. This goes a long way toward freeing yourself from invasive thoughts during precious time with your child.

Like I said, these take practice. Sometimes they work wonders, and other days....I just keep practicing.

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For a short, printable version of these tips, check out my Fridge Lists

What works for you? What do you do to stay present with your child when you're feeling stressed?