tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post3765755660983188527..comments2023-04-01T17:33:15.547-07:00Comments on MaMammalia: Reconsider Your Requests (Unconditional Parenting Principle #2)Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-48388402112420414702012-11-26T22:14:42.986-08:002012-11-26T22:14:42.986-08:00Excellent question! For me, I find that HOW I make...Excellent question! For me, I find that HOW I make my request is a huge part of it, but not the whole of it. If I'm calm, clear, and use a tone of voice and words that honor and respect my son's personhood, the outcome is much better. With something like tooth-brushing, I focus on how much I care about his health. I let that sentiment guide me and create the mood around brushing teeth. Then it's not a matter of "do this or get punished," it's a matter of my son trusting my knowledge and realizing that I care deeply about him and his health. Yes, even toddlers get that idea! Of course, they also like to play games and test our commitments. It helps if you can be a bit silly and creative about brushing teeth. We've had countless games over it and just when I think we've finally got a good one forever, we have to invent a new one! This gives me some good ideas for further posts ;)<br /><br />However, nothing I say or do is going to work if my relationship with my son is out of balance, if we are not well connected to begin with. For instance, if I lose my temper with him in the morning, he might put up greater resistance about something later in the day. If I find a few moments to reconnect with him first, including an apology, he will usually come around. Then he is more likely to LISTEN to how much I care about his teeth and BELIEVE that my caring is genuine. I plan to write more on this topic as well! <br /><br />I hope this helps!Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16330964289844889151noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-41356532839799875392012-11-26T13:57:50.528-08:002012-11-26T13:57:50.528-08:00But what if they still say "no" and it&#...But what if they still say "no" and it's something they have to do? My daughter throws a fit everytime I ask her to brush her teeth. I have tried many different gentle parenting techniques and I still don't know whether to punish her, bribe her, force her, or just let it go? She will have rotting teeth in no time! All the websites I refer to say the same things about positive parenting which I try to do, but what if she still says no?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-50611547647955038082012-03-09T20:48:13.754-08:002012-03-09T20:48:13.754-08:00You raise such an important issue: how do we recon...You raise such an important issue: how do we reconcile differences between our own parenting style and how the rest of the world treats our children? So far, I haven't had to deal directly with that issue myself, but I know it will arise. I think I would first offer the other caregiver or teacher some suggestions of how we deal with that particular issue at home. Hopefully, they will be open to it. <br /><br />Maybe in your case the reason they didn't go for it and instead suggested the progress chart is because they are trying to focus on positive reinforcement - very common in preschools. Simply cutting off snack time sounds like a punishment to me. However, with the right words and tone of voice, it's possible to set a firm, yet compassionate limit. Something like "I don't want you to disturb the other children because it's not fair to them. I want everyone to be quiet during this time. Please settle down. We can laugh and be silly when we go outside." If the caregivers have your son's respect and trust, he may be more willing to appease them because he will genuinely care about them and the other kids. If he trusts that he will get his silly time it may also be easier. Rewards & punishments won't teach him those lessons! <br /><br />Another issue here may be impulse control. Kids get better at controlling their impulses ( even to makes jokes!) as they mature. Four is still pretty young to expect complete control but you might look into how you could help him develop it -- unconditionally, of course! Talk to the preschool about it and see what they have to say. If you can work together, you have a better shot.<br /><br />Finally, one thing I remind myself is that I am the mother and I love my son unconditionally. The rest of the world doesn't and I can't expect them to treat him as such. If someone else uses rewards to motivate him, it will only highlight to him how pure and true MY love is for him. He doesn't have to jump through hoops to receive my attention or love. I'm not saying I'm happy with the way most educators and caregivers use rewards and punishment, I'm just saying it won't ruin my son or our relationship. If I thought it would, I'd move him to another environment.<br /><br />Good luck!Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16330964289844889151noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-14841168581248342842012-03-07T20:16:35.584-08:002012-03-07T20:16:35.584-08:00My husband and I are trying to follow the Uncondit...My husband and I are trying to follow the Unconditional Parenting principles at home (not always easy, I must admit), but we are running into issues at preschool. The teachers are pressuring us to take steps that we don't support to curb certain behaviors - acting out over and again to try to make the other children laugh and this is causing disruptions. I don't think it is that big of a deal, normal 3-4 year old behavior, but the teachers do and they are pressuring us to let them offer progress charts with rewards at the end. I don't think that is appropriate, but haven't come up with a more appropriate suggestion other than, 'If he goofs off at snack time, then he doesn't get to have snack at that time. Simple as that.' They don't care for my suggestion. <br /><br />Any suggestions on how to get an almost 4 year old to save his joking for the playground? I need some good options that will serve the needs of my son, but also bring peace to the classroom. What suggestions have you given your child's teachers that the teachers will accept? Thanks for the guidance!HDMomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16258380665855112329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-63215485581753079482012-02-29T21:09:29.097-08:002012-02-29T21:09:29.097-08:00Great insights about control! Many parents seem un...Great insights about control! Many parents seem unaware that some conflicts stem from a power struggle that they could easily solve by giving up some control. Like you said, that can be hard to do, especially if you've been conditioned otherwise. We get so many societal messages to "control" our kids that some of those messages get internalized! It's when I take a step back that I realize I don't agree with those messages. I'd rather have a good relationship with my kid.Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16330964289844889151noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-27039760291225523302012-02-29T08:12:35.947-08:002012-02-29T08:12:35.947-08:00"Genuine respect goes a lot further than fear..."Genuine respect goes a lot further than fear." This really resonated with me and is in line with my thinking that children are also people with preferences and feelings. I often noticed in my own relationship with my son that he resists requests that are not sensitive to his needs at the moment. I would not expect my husband to drop everything when I suddenly make a request if I did not respect what he was already engaged in at the moment, so how does it make it right to treat my son differently? I think that the underlying problem is exactly what you pointed to: need for control. Being a parent gives you some authority and many take advantage of that and use it to manipulate their kids into complying to their every whim not realising how insensitive they might be. It is difficult learning to become aware of whether we are justified in our requests or if we are simply looking to control the situation unnecessarily.FabulousMamaChronicleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00555022025559998636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-20051337771049890102012-02-04T10:28:43.701-08:002012-02-04T10:28:43.701-08:00Glad you enjoyed it, Catherine!Glad you enjoyed it, Catherine!MaMammaliahttp://mamammalia.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-51313188364714986322012-02-03T19:53:49.677-08:002012-02-03T19:53:49.677-08:00What a great post and a timely reminder! Thank you...What a great post and a timely reminder! Thank you!!Catherinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17513911177615259519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-80922412234056718212012-02-03T13:57:38.575-08:002012-02-03T13:57:38.575-08:00Dionna, I know what you mean. Many people tend to ...Dionna, I know what you mean. Many people tend to think of parent requests as an either-or, me-or-them negotiation. Obviously, it sometimes is (I can't breastfeed while driving), but most of the time it's not. Understandably, it can be hard to relinquish control. It's scary and most of our cultural messages tell us we SHOULD control our kids. I've found more freedom by trying to see things otherwise. And NVC is useful for interacting with adults, too!Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16330964289844889151noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5352349300184483080.post-30055627306027140232012-02-03T05:18:34.938-08:002012-02-03T05:18:34.938-08:00When I've talked to parents about Kohn, this i...When I've talked to parents about Kohn, this is one of the biggest sticking points. It can be so hard for parents to release control (even when that control comes at a price), especially when it can seem like the kids are "getting their way." But I appreciate that you've paired Kohn with NVC - that way it's not just "letting kids get their way," but the focus is on meeting everyone's needs.Dionna @ Code Name: Mamahttp://codenamemama.comnoreply@blogger.com